I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! Liza Minnelli fell out of bed today and hit her head on the floor. Speculation is running rampant that she was actually tossed from the bed during a particularly vigorous love-making session with Michael Jackson, Elton John and a Cocker Spaniel, but so far none of the other parties have come forward to claim responsibility. There is no word on whether the blow to the head caused Minnelli to regain her sanity.

Elsewhere, Susan Sontag, legendary writer and celebrated whitey-hater, died today at age 71. Sadly, Susan didn’t live to enjoy the next terrorist attack on the United States, that bastion of evil and home to so many of the white race, that “cancer of human history.” How mutedly ironic that she succumbed to cancer herself. Perhaps she brought it on herself by unintentionally being white, or even as a consequence of her specific alliances and actions.

Last, but not least, George Carlin, in news that shocks absolutely no one, is headed to rehab. Mrs. Holmes asked me just this evening why the hell this is news… and I don’t have an answer. Hell, Carlin was probably doing hits of acid as he narrated stories about Thomas the Tank Engine and friends. He’s the quintessential drugged-out hippie and it’s part of his schtick – why bother with rehab? It’s only going to hurt ticket sales. Only a handful of people want to actually see Carlin perform these days, and even fewer want to see him perform sober.

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