I mean really, cut the crap. You’re embarrassing yourself as well as the rest of us.

Or did I miss the part where Tenet was actually receiving the Federal Medal of Failure?

Well, I may have gotten my ass kicked in the bloggies, but they can’t take away my dignity. I’ve already done that for them.

One award I did win – and well-deserved – laziest blogger. As soon as someone starts forking over some of that mad blog money, I’ll quit slacking off. Until then, learn to love it.

Much like Jawa’s Hot Lesbo Star Wars Chick Pundit, my endorsements resulted in few winners. This is why I’m officially endorsing Fahrenheit 9/11 for best picture at this year’s Academy Awards.

So thanks to Kevin at Wizbang and his crew of jolly misfits for giving us a reason to fling mud at each other.

That took long enough. Special thanks to Lisa at Elegant Webscapes for the slick new design and moving me away from that awful Blogger. They were very hurtful towards me, you know. (Actually, for a free service, they’re pretty good, all things considered.)

A few things you should know:

• I have not yet updated all the posts prior to Dec. 1 for the relocated images. I am going to do that as I go along. For now, all of December is up-to-date and I’ll get to the rest when I have time. Posts without graphics should be good to go.
• Speaking of archives, I haven’t checked to make sure every single post transferred correctly from Blogger, so if you notice quirkiness, drop me a note. I doubt I’ll actually check them all.
• I’m in the process of setting up categories. I’ve only categorized December – I’ll try to have everything labeled with some type of categorization at some point.
• Everything is subject to change on a whim. Don’t be surprised if the headers or other organization changes. Surely you won’t go into convulsions if things aren’t set in stone for a while. If so, you need to leave up out of here.
• All the old Haloscan comments & trackbacks are gone. There was really no way to convert them, so we’ll just have to start fresh. I’ve heard horror stories about WordPress being a haven for spammers so if montoring comments becomes a real pain in the ass, I may drop them. Also, if I do some accidental trackbacking to any of you nice blogfolks, I apologize in advance.

Now that all this madness is better organized, I’ll try and get back to regular blogging. I know that both of my readers are hanging on my every word.

The French, led by their spineless, corrupt leader, Jacques “The Worm” Chirac, are seeking to outlaw “sexist and homophobic” comments. That’s right, you call somebody an ass-pirate, and you’re going to jail for up to a year. Then you’ll find out what ass-pirate really means.

Chirac is trying to force the law into the French law books without any political lubricant whatsoever, which is causing a great deal of pain and discomfort for French lawmakers.

As freedom of expression disappears in the EU – you can bet your sweet ass that the United Nations will use this type of legislation to globally police the internet – making blogs like this one a thing of the past.

This is one of the many reasons why I recommend that, as soon as we’re finished in Iraq, we annihilate France. France is nothing more than a festering open sore on the anus of humanity – rest assured we’ll be doing the rest of the planet a favor.

Or, if we’re really lucky, the islamofascists will do it for us, since they’re on the verge of taking over that worthless hell-hole anyway. It would certainly be a waste of taxpayer money to deplete our munitions reserves by flattening those bastards.

Via Fuck France.

Right-Thinking Girl did it yesterday.

Some Iraqi bloggers did it just the other day as well. Also see Armies of Liberation, LGF, Kesher Talk.

So when does Preston Taylor Holmes get to meet the President? Well, hell, I wouldn’t invite me either. I’ve got a bad attitude.

Bill at INDC has posted part two of Dances With Moonbats – Moonbat Extreme!

Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities brings us another choice billboard and a national protest this Sunday – because Bush was Selected, Not Elected!

Go enjoy the moonbattery. Besides, what else are you going to do, college football season is over, so now Saturdays are back to sucking.

UPDATE:

Check out 51 Capital March’s southeastern instructional page. Aside from the organizers’ inability to spell Tennessee, there is a list of dos and don’ts for all the DU types that will be in attendance. It’s a time like this I wish I still lived in Nashville, so that I could do my own moonbat resarch! If any of my Nashville homies have time tomorrow, go down to the capital and take some photos for me.

Tomorrow marks the end of voting for the 2004 Weblog Awards. Thank goodness it’s almost over. Friendships have been ripped apart, feelings have been bruised, alcohol has been gobbled down like spring water. And that was all just last night at the dinner party Mrs. Holmes and I attended!

I’m flip-flopping again and urging everyone to vote for Six Meat Buffet in the Best New Blog category, as I’m trailing Jane’s Armies of Liberation by a mere fraction of a percent. And after Jane’s Armies were exposed, can you really bring yourself to vote for her?

It’s Six Meat’s last stand, so get over there and vote.

In other bloggie news, The Gleason Power Hour starring Sean Gleeson had 177 votes disqualified for reasons unknown. Reports are that Sean has recruited a host of lawyers and televangelists to help with his campaign to avenge the fallen 177. Go help him out.

Yep, according to the Gayometer, I’m 43% gay. And I’m secure enough in my heterosexuality to admit it.

Why don’t you go take the Gayometer test and find out your own percentage, smart guy?

Incidentally, 43% is also the percentage of the popular vote that President Clifford hoodwinked in the 1992 election. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Thanks to 39% E.N. for the tip

Yeah, it’s a feelin’ stupid Friday

Are you in a band?

If the answer is yes, I hope it’s not this band:

Anyway, if you’re tired of your band missing out on clutch cargo gigs because you’re known as Apoplectic DeathBall, you need a new band name.

“But it’s so hard to come up with a band name,” you say. Pish posh!

Simply use this BAND NAME GENERATOR.

And while you’re giving your band an extreeeeeeeeeeeeeme makeover, you may want to peruse this photo gallery to help with ideas for your new band’s official press photo.

Yep, we’re here to help you rocket to superstardom.

I am declaring blogwar on all introspective bloggers – starting with those who have entered the squared circle at BATTLE OF THE BLOGS.

Sure, I’m guilty of it too, but now that I’ve seen the light (thanks, Froggy), I’m comin’ after the rest of you (metaphorically, of course).

Exhibit A: BamaPachyderm. I’m posting this while she’s out of town so she can’t defend herself.

Exhibit B: Cranky. I’ve already assaulted you on this one.

Exhibit C: Sharp as a Marble. You are actually allowed to quit blogging because you’re blog is so visually pleasing that it’s worth visiting for the design alone.

Exhibit D: Gleeson. Talking to oneself is one of the earliest signs of brutal insanity. Seek counseling.

Exhibit E: Allah. Well, he already quit, I just wanted to link to him for no reason because I’m sure he needs the traffic.

I will be adding other introspective bloggers for verbal assault as they’re brought to my attention.

UPDATE:

Sean from Gleeson Industrial Polluters, Inc., points out that he was *not* talking to himself, but was hearing two voices talking to each other in his head.

While I did realize this, it was more fun to imply that he was going insane. Nuance duly noted and apology submitted.

Also posted at Battle of the Blogs

Can someone remind me again why the hell I voted for this guy?

The Bush Administration joined the rest of the tin-horned dictators in the United Nations yesterday in pledging support for its secretary-criminal, Kofi Annan.

Like many conservatives, I held my nose and voted for President Junior in support of the war on terror and against Lurch’s vision of one-world surrender-socialist utopia. I really didn’t expect the horrific stink to be so overwhelming so soon after the election.

This post has been submitted for punishment under the Commissar’s iron-fisted bloody blogosphere rule.

Don’t bring a rifle to a tank fight – Aaaarrrgggghhhh! has video of overmatched insurgent going off to meet his 72 virgins. Hope they don’t mind the charred carcass.

Chad engages in truly inspiring investigative journalism.

Jeff at BA sends Maureen Dowd a Xanax-laced Christmas card. Yeah, I said Christmas, Maureen.

International House of Jawas provides this link where you can vote for Team America: World Police in the People’s Choice Awards. Go vote for it. It’s the funniest movie of the decade.

Michelle Malkin notes that President Junior is keeping Norman Mineta as Transportation Secretary. Junior keeps flushing the toilet, but some of those nuggets just won’t go down, will they Junior?

Jen tells us that a Norwegian court has acquitted a rapist because he said he was “asleep.” The judges could not “rule out the possibility”. Now there’s a justice system we should emulate. Government-approved sleep-raping is soon to be all the rage in Norway – right next to Neo-Nazism.

Until tomorrow…

No, not literally, you silly ass. This isn’t freaking death metal.

American Digest, using Allah’s resignation as a catalyst, is floating a Blogger Death Pool contest.

Many of us still miss Allah’s wit and wisdom, but, unfortunately for us, Allah has hung it up for good and he “ain’t never coming back” according to this comments thread over at PW.

Allah explains his departure rather thoroughly in this comments thread at American Digest – read the post too, it’s pretty damn insightful.

So who’s it gonna be next? Allah’s out. Which one of the other big dogs is going to wake up and say “fuck a bunch of blogging, I’ve got other shit to do!”? It will be interesting to watch and see. Or it will be really tedious. Not sure which.

12/10 UPDATE:

Chad at In The Bullpen asked a question about Johnny Walker Red in the comments section of this post, and lo and behold, his questions were answered. We can disqualify JWR from the Blogger Death Pool as he has returned.

The eurolanche continues…

Will it ever end? Also, can anyone translate these comments for me?

The Global Language Monitor has released it’s year-end Top 10 Politically Correct Word List of 2004. The number one PC-Police thought crime: MASTER/SLAVE.

The Top 10:

Ever wonder what P.C. actually stands for? Persecution Complex.

Gunman kills four, wounds two onstage during a live performance at Columbus, Ohio nightclub Alrosa Villa.

Having played in a variety of bands and at a variety of venues, this is not at all surprising. Even the bigger shows with decent security were extremely lax, making it easy for this kind of thing to happen.

Unfortunately, bands now have to deal with assassins as well as stage-divers. I have to believe that this shooting will have a major impact on the way club and theater-level touring bands think about the way they do business.

UPDATE:

More blogging: Say Uncle, A Small Victory, Digger’s Realm, Backcountry Conservative, Outside the Beltway, Interested Participant.

This is too much. Scott Peterson’s mommy asked jurors today not to fry him like so much bacon.

The money quote:

Hmmmm…. a whole family wiped out? Perhaps she hasn’t considered that Scott took care of wiping out 2/3 of the family himself – including her own grandson. This has to qualify as idiotic quote of the week.

It reminds me of when the Menendez boys – you remember – they shotgunned their parents in self-defense while the parents were eating ice cream and watching television?

One of the moronic jurors in that trial said that (paraphrasing) she felt so sorry for the Menendez brothers because they were now suddenly orphaned. THEY SHOT THEIR PARENTS WITH A SHOTGUN, DUMBASS!

It’s no wonder the criminal justice system is in such an atrocious condition. This is probably one of the sharper jurors out there in juryland.

Some folks over in the EU’s socialist utopia have taken notice of little fretty and I’ve had a Eurolanche! (That’s a traffic spike not quite as big as an Instalanche or a Drudgealanche, but still good nonetheless)

So welcome, all you folks visiting from Scandanavia (or close to it) at http://www.rob.nu/ and http://home-1.tiscali.nl/~kuifje/. Sorry about all that stuff I’ve said about the EU. (Just kidding, I meant it.)

(via Ravishing Light)

I don’t know how I stumble onto stuff like this.

There’s more where that came from.

You’re fat!

In fact, so much so, that you’re breaking the seats on luxury ocean liners.

Cavernous Americans breaking chairs on the Queen Mary 2.

Stupid intolerant Euro-skinnies!

Well, not really, but he did have his first ever CHRISTmas program this morning, which I was fortunate enough to attend. He was a bear in the “living nativity” scene. Had there actually been a bear at the birth of Christ that fateful day, things might have turned out much worse, but thankfully some artistic liberties were allowed for this particular reenactment.

Yep, I’m always a proud papa, but even more so this morning.

Everyone else is doing it, and yes, I always cave to peer pressure. I’ll try to keep it brief. I’ll only mention the contests in which I’m voting – if I don’t know any of the blogs, why should I vote in that category, and who the hell would notice or care? I guess I could wait for one of those dim-o-crack buses to come around and drive me to the polls and tell me which buttons to mash, but I keep looking and they never show up.

Best Overall: LGF (I was visiting LGF before I realized it was a blog. However, I’m still waiting for a t-shirt, which I ordered 6 freakin’ months ago!)
Best New Blog: INDC Journal (I would vote for Rusty cuz he’s my true favorite, but he says not to, so I have to go with INDC to try and defeat Kerry Spot, which is really BIG MEDIA and not a blog. Plus, I’ve been an INDC fan since before I started my stupid blog, so it’s a genuine vote. I am also smitten with Beth & Jane, and I’m still surprised to even be in the contest…)
Best Group Blog: The Command Post
Best Humor Blog: Beautiful Atrocities (Protein Wisdom and Iowahawk are both brilliant as well, but B.A. qualifies as modern art)
Best Liberal Blog: South Knox Bubba (Cuz he’s local and at least we agree on Vol football and the 2nd Amendment)
Best Conservative Blog: La Shawn Barber
Best Election Coverage: The Corner (Since I can’t vote for my own drunken election night live-blogging)
Best Journalist Blog: Michelle Malkin (She’s far and away the best. What the hell is Keith Olbermann doing in this one?)
Best Culture Blog: Llama Bitches
Best Sports Blog: Fanblogs
Best Military Blog: Froggy (With Blogs of War a close second)
Best Online Community: Fark (Because they’ve caused me to lose control of my bladder from laughter)
Best Blog Design: I’m alternating my daily votes between Just a Girl and Demure Thoughts
Best Essayist: VDH
Best Latino/Carib/South American Blog: In Search of Utopia (Cuz David is only 75% moonbat and is a pretty cool guy. He didn’t pay me, I swear.)
Best of the 100s: Ace (Cuz he slices like a f**king hammer)
Best of the 100-250s: In the Bullpen
Best of the 250-500s: Digger
Best of the 500-1000s: Maybe I Think Too Much
Best of the 1000-1750s: Cranky Neocon (I couldn’t decide between Cranky, Gleeson and Sharpy, so since Cranky was bringing up the rear I thought I’d help him out)
Best of the 1750-2500s: South End Grounds

Linkwhoring is hard work. Now go over there and vote exactly as I’ve dictated. Or Die! Or whatever. And whatever you do, don’t go and visit this battling blogs blog.

2,400 Americans were killed on this date in 1941, in what is now the second-worst attack in our nation’s history.

National Geographic has an excellent memorial website here (via Jeff Quinton).

Other folks remembering Pearl Harbor today:

Michelle Malkin
Solomonia
The MUSC Tiger
Froggy
The Commissar
Say Anything

Or is this just another moronic comment from another of President Junior’s ship-jumpers?

When announcing his resignation last week, Thompson spake thusly:

Thankfully, someone as quick-witted as Borowitz was paying attention. He has some follow-up from Thompson’s statement that you may have missed.

All 12 finalists for the open position of President at Tennessee State University are black, thereby setting a new precedent of approved exclusion nationwide.

So, let me get this straight. Why do so many universities with overwhelmingly lily-white student-bodies wind up with minority presidents? Surely they’re not fit to lead either, by this logic.

Is that because of an inherent student-body bias against whitey? I guess I’m confused. Oh, wait, it’s revenge for those three cracker-ass crackers who were the finalists at UT-Knoxville. That makes it acceptable.

Luckily for TSU, the Old Media considers an all-black final dozen “diversity-rich,” so all is still well in the world of academia.

On a related note, Theresa Heinz-Kerry, another prominent African-American, did not put in an application for the position, and was consequently not considered for the job.