An Army of One
May 5th, 2005 at 8:42 am by Preston Taylor Holmes
I was trying to enjoy a run-of-the-mill television program the other night, when, lo-and-behold, who came on my television to tell me of a “new” campaign to end global poverty, aids and starvation? The usual celebrity suspects reminding me that I should feel tremendous guilt for not turning my entire paycheck over to the World Bank every two weeks for redistribution to countries like The Ivory Coast and Ghana.
There was Bono, Bill Gates, Tom Hanks, Justin Timberlake (whoever the hell that is), Puff Diddy, George Clooney and others telling me that I’m not doing enough for Burkina Faso, despite the excessive amount of foreign aid my country hands over to the turd world out of sheer goodwill.
The campaign is named after Pepsi’s “One” cola – though the brand-name tie-ins are downplayed on the organization’s website – www.one.org.
And doesn’t it all sound very nice? End poverty, end Aids, end starvation. Such a neat little package – and the PSA emphasizes that “it’s not about money”, though when you finally visit the website, you learn that it’s just another attempt to grift another one percent off the top of the United States’ annual GDP. Their pledge:
Look how much the rest of the world adores us for our already-too-generous global hand-outs. In fact, some of them love us so much, that they’re trying to kill all of us, while others simply attack us through the European press and the United Nations. If we’ll just hand over another one percent of our GDP, we’ll finally be viewed as the good guys, celebrated globally and carried around the baseball diamond by all the other kids on the team. Right? Bullshit.
This is just another attempt at moving towards the one-world-socialist-utopian-government all these lackwitted celebs fantasize about as they perform acts of public social masturbation. So to Bono, and the rest of you furrowed-brow concerned celebs, I give you one — one finger, one simple phrase – fuck off.
May 5th, 2005 at 1:54 pm
and while saying said pledge, that song from the coke commercial, ever so lightly, plays in the background, “i’d like to teach the world to sing…”
do you ever wonder what kind of world these people live in? i mean, really wonder. it must be so peaceful and loving. everyone loves everyone and we all get along. there are no diseases. nobody works. we all just play. oh wait, that’s right, one would have to be on some really good drugs to actually believe a world like that exists or could exist by simply taking from the “rich” and giving to the poor.
May 5th, 2005 at 2:02 pm
God I can’t stand these fucking hippies. Haven’t they ever heard of the Prime Directive? Fuck these turd (funny) world countries and shit. They still have fucking tribes! If you liberal rich assholes want to ’save the world’ why don’t you start here? Instead of all that Tsunami relief for countries that didn’t want our help – how about dumping the kind of money into charities here? Wouldn’t you rather see an american child survive being hungry and poor than some fly riddled African kid? The African kid is just going to grow up and throw spears at moving vehicles, the American kid might actually be the one spooning crushed peas into your mouth at the retirement home.
Fucking self righteous bastards. I hope Bono’s dick gets chopped off on his next trip to the turd world. Retards.
May 5th, 2005 at 7:42 pm
I thought he was just telling the celebs they’re #1….
May 5th, 2005 at 9:25 pm
I so loathe the cross-breeding of politics and pop stars.
It’s like gin and marshmallows. Fine by themselves, and they have no business being together.
Yech.
And by the way, I do more to support third-world countries than anyone else I know. My maid is from Honduras and I know for a fact that she sends at least half her paycheck (that has my name on it, mind you) back home. Is that tax-exempt for me? Hell no.
May 5th, 2005 at 11:02 pm
I HATE Bono and the God-complex he has on. I truly think he believes he is God. Well, at least he acts like it. Oh, and I don’t like his singing much, either. Did I say that I hated Bono?
May 5th, 2005 at 11:03 pm
Oh….and in that picture, he almost looks like Hitler with his arm up high. WTF? Oh, and did I tell you that I HATE Bono?
May 6th, 2005 at 8:32 am
Raja of Knowing When To Hold Them
Today’s dose of NIF – News, Interesting & Funny … It’s Friday!
May 6th, 2005 at 8:47 am
So, Merri – do you have the new U2 record? Considering the big-hitter producers they called in, it’s pretty weak. Oh, I forgot, you hate Bono. Sorry.
May 6th, 2005 at 10:39 am
I’m wondering why they don’t call it “Oneworldorder.com”
May 6th, 2005 at 11:52 am
Is this “Merri” person another Boudica?
Hmmmm…..
May 7th, 2005 at 9:47 am
Is this pic real? I like it.
May 7th, 2005 at 1:09 pm
Love your sense of humor and I love the picture of President! Thanks for the laugh today.
May 7th, 2005 at 2:32 pm
Oh my god, that was an awesome post! I saw the one.org web site and almost shat myself. Celebrities need a lesson in global economies before trying to allocate a “measley” one percent of our GDP. Friggin’ commies.
Good argument, my friend. Good one.
May 7th, 2005 at 2:52 pm
How ’bout we start a campaign called “Two”? Two. For number two. Take a crap on the rest of the world.
May 7th, 2005 at 3:09 pm
That’s why they call it the “turd world”, 6H. I’ll join your TWO campaign and raise you one, making the campaign Number THREE. We should match the celebrities’ diarrhea of the mouth with our own actual diarrhea. That’s what #3 is, right? I can’t keep them straight really.
May 8th, 2005 at 9:01 am
They have my permission
to spend their own money.
Wonder how much they would collect?