Nine-One-One Are You Hearing Me? I am Speaking To You! Hello?June 30th, 2005 at 10:30 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes
Lucky for you sick freaks, one of my Nashville sources was able to get his hands on a transcript from a recent 911 call from a hysterical muslim to the Nashville Metro Police Department after discovering a soiled copy of the quran at a Nashville apartment complex:
* Ring Ring *
Hysterical muslim: Where are you? Why don’t you answer? The pain is shooting out my eyes at what I am seeing with my own eyes!
* Ring *
9-1-1 Emergency Dispatcher: 9-1-1 emergency. What is the problem?
Hysterical muslim: Praise allah that you’ve answered! Look at it! Just laying there. Excrementated!
9-1-1 Emergency Dispatcher: Sir! Please slow down, I can barely hear you with the wailing in the background.
Hysterical muslim: Please! We are all wailing in pain and sorrow! Send someone quick! It’s just laying on the ground… lifeless. This is an act of barbaric aggression!!! I cry out to allah! Look at it! The butt stink of 1,000 infidels has besmirched the pages! The chapter and verse that commands me to slay the unbelievers is besmudged with fudge!
9-1-1 Emergency Dispatcher: Sir – who is lifeless? Is someone injured? Has someone been attacked? Please help me by speaking clearly…
Hysterical muslim: My holy book – the book of which I dare not speak its name for fear of using improper enunciation and defiling it verbally! It has been defecated upon and rent asunder! This is an assault on all that is righteous and holy and sacred! Oy!
9-1-1 Emergency Dispatcher: Your book is hurt? Are you serious? This is 9-1-1 – we don’t have time for stuff like this…
Hysterical muslim: Please do not belittle my religion with your hate speech! The holiest of holy books has been shat upon! This is not your “Peoples” magazine! This is not your precious Tom Cruise Television Guidebook! Send a policeman at once!!!
9-1-1 Emergency Dispatcher: Is this you, Randy? This has to be you, Randy….
Hysterical muslim: I will tell you one more time – send a law officer immediately or I will send you a fatwa so fast it will make your head spin! Well, maybe not spin, but fall off completely after your neck is sawed through with allah’s knife of social justice. Can you not see that I am serious! Can you do any less?
9-1-1 Emergency Dispatcher: Uh….. um….. allright… we’ll send an officer right over. Do not move the book, I repeat, do not move the book, or you could cause further injury.
* Click *
Hat tip: Leo Oshkosh