Hot, steamy, breaking news action…

President Junior set to announce his nominee to replace exiting SCOTUS ninny Sandra O’Day O’Connor at 9pm ET tonight.

My sources close to the White House have tipped me off to the identity of the nominee. If you would like to wait until tonight to find out, then you can skip the rest of this post. Otherwise, the answer is below the jump.

President Junior will announce tonight that his nominee is none other than internationally-known puppeteer Rick Lyon!

Sources close to the President say that he is not worried about Lyon’s lack of legal expertise, as his predecessor Sandra Dee O’Connor pretty much did whatever she thought the polls said, effectively tossing the U.S. Constitution aside and acting on a variety of poll-driven whims.

“We might as well nominate a Susan B. Anthony Silver Dollar and just flip it for each vote,” according to one anonymous source. “With a Supreme Court that now looks to international law to justify its decisions, what the hell? Might as well nominate a tiki torch or a bag of Skittles.”

Lyon’s body of puppet work is vast and impressive – including credits on PBS’ “Sesame Street” (showing his appreciation for diversity), Disney’s “The Big Book of Pooh” (showing an appreciation for the traditional family and its values) and Comedy Central’s “Crank Yankers” (evidence that he is in touch with today’s youth and has a sense of humor).

“These personal characteristics are far more important than an understanding of what the Constitution’s framers intended,” according to yet another anonymous source within the President’s inner circle – adding to worries that SCOTUS is moving further away from applying the U.S. Constitution to modern-day judicial issues and more towards a do-whatever-you-feel-like judiciary.

The Senate is expected to be particularly hard on Lyon due to his puppeteering of raunchy nude puppets on “Crank Yankers,” which could cost him votes in the Senate, particularly from members of the dreaded religious right. Hopefully there will be no Anita Hill-types to derail Lyon’s nomination, as an already-sharply divided country couldn’t possibly bear a lengthy and bitter confirmation battle.

For his part, Lyon has been unavailable for comment. As for myself, I believe there is a pubic hair on this can of coke. I am traumatized. Please call a nurse and/or psychologist.

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