New Orleans’ Disgrace-in-Chief has finally resigned but who could take his place? Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a time for being selfish. We cannot hog all of the talent at our disposal. In Volunteer fashion, I volunteer Chief Spanky to go home and fix the shithole that is New Orleans.

Having succeeded in increasing Nashville’s murder rate, rape rate, traffic fatality rate and instead focusing on selective enforcement of traffic laws to the tune of a whopping 77% increase in tickets over the previous year – I know this may come as a shock – but New Orleans needs you more than we do Chief Spanky.

We’ve loved the antics of the entire department under your Reign of Error. The taser deaths. The media whoring. The shooting of the elderly in our Parks on Movie Night. Taking on any betting on games of chance outside of the State Lottery with Swift & Brutal Justice(tm). The covering up for officers getting drunk and running over students while letting them drink water before they have to take a breath test hours later.

It takes real nerve to pay undercover informants to have sex with strippers and then arrest a local ad man for placing advertisements for strip clubs. Thankfully Chief Spanky then eliminated the scourge of naked, gyrating titties fleecing my pockets of ducats that rightfully belong to Metro’s Meter Maid division. Thank you for protecting me from myself.

I love that I now no longer fear going downtown out of worrying about getting a DUI but now rather out of fear of getting shot.

Don’t get me wrong. We’ve had our fun and I didn’t even bring your son’s legal issues into it either.

But the resignation of New Orleans top cop leaves a gaping hole that only a hulking tube of manmeat like you could ever fill. We will miss you Chief Spanky.

Au revoir!

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