The Regrettable Sexuality Of Mick Jagger
October 18th, 2005 at 8:45 pm by CrankyWith Rolling Stones mania sweeping the country like it’s 1969 all over again, this might be a good time to examine a phenomenon that has baffled the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, Gene Simmons and Prince.
What has made this man sexy over five decades? Is there an end in sight? Can I throw up now?
Let’s examine this question throughout the years, shall we?
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Mick – The Sixties
Representative lyrics: Under my thumb
A siamese cat of a girl Under my thumb She’s the sweetest, hmmm, pet in the world It’s down to me Oozing “bad boy” sensuality, Mick couldn’t get no satisfaction. |
| The Disco Years
Trade the Heroin for Coke, the ’70s are here! Sex, drugs and Rock and Roll have been upgraded to marriage to models, more drugs and Rock with a dance beat.
Representative Lyrics:
I’ve been holding out so long I’ve been sleeping all alone Lord I miss you I’ve been hanging on the phone I’ve been sleeping all alone I want to kiss you Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh |
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The 80s – Aging Like A Fine Wine
Music pundits were asking the looming question, “should rockers approaching 40 still be rocking?” The answer was yes. If anything, these first-wave rockers where getting as sophisticated as the medium allowed. Jagger was still sexy, but occasionally one could catch a glimpse of a pigeon-chested pale Brit. These instances were quickly dismissed as impossible and attributed to “bad ganj”. Representative lyrics: And it’s one hit to the body, it comes straight from the heart
One voice calls out my name. It sure went straght to the mark One punch and you knocked me down, tore my defenses apart One round took me out of the game, you did me some permanent harm It took just one hit…it ain’t enough for me. It’s hurting me, baby |
| Sell The Mutual Fund, We Need Cash For The Stones Tour!
The Stones quietly slipped past midlife and into their 50′s. Voodoo Lounge proved that kidney stones is no deterrent to rocking. Most people could take or leave the albums, but looked forward to the tour. Mick’s sex appeal began to resemble the attraction that a busty blonde might have for a octogenarian billionaire.
Representative Lyrics:
Love is strong and you’re so sweet You make me hard you make me weak Love is strong and you’re so sweet And some day, babe we got to meet The influence of heart meds begin to take their toll. |
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| Thank God For Megan’s Law
Today, one can hear call-ins to rock stations exclaiming that the Stones put on an awesome show at the local mega-arena. There is a certain creepy feeling, however, that creatures long since passed still roam the Earth. Although, these above mentioned callers still find Mick sexy, one is deeply shaken by the thought of a grandfather saying this to anyone: One time you were my baby chicken
Now you’ve grown into a fox Once upon a time I was your little rooster But am I just one of your cocks … So put your lips to my hips, baby |
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Great Stones resource.
October 18th, 2005 at 11:44 pm
Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in the sex and drug-crazed 60′s and 70′s, but I have NEVER thought Mick Jagger or any of the other Rolling Stones was ever anything remotely close to sexy. I’m sure they have all been dead for quite some time,too. They were just pickled and put on display. I’m sure Disney animation studios has something to do with the fact that they can still “perform”.
October 19th, 2005 at 11:20 am
This is what happens when you have a drug like Viagra ™ on the world wide market.
Men can still get laid (though not by their aging wives, of course – their “duty is done”), and still think they are 20 something years old.
And to think, it’s now being covered under insurance!
Oh, the humanity!
October 19th, 2005 at 11:41 am
So lemme get this “straight”….you’re saying Jagger is, um, sexy? Perhaps the very first picture would qualify, but after that. Um. No.
I don’t get it. I just want to give the man a sandwich and maybe hook him up to an IV of lipids and total parenteral nutrition in an undisclosed remote location somewhere.
October 19th, 2005 at 12:09 pm
I hear through the grapevine that Jagger actually has an advertising campaign coming out for Viagra ™. Even going back and using one of the old songs in the commercial.
What a drag it is getting old
“Things are difficult today,”
I hear ev’ry father say
Father needs something today to get him up
And though he’s not really ill
There’s a little blueish pill
He goes running for the shelter of a father’s little helper
and it helps him feel great, and to get his weeny straight
“Things are difficult today,”
I hear ev’ry father say
Sitting limpless on his bed is just a bore
So he jumps up from his wife, who won’t be fun tonight
And goes running for the shelter of a father’s little helper
And it helps him get it up, for the girl he’s ’bout to fuck.
Doctor please, some more of these
Outside the door, he takes four more
What a drag it is getting old
And it helps him get it up a bit, even though he’s old as shit”
That’s gonna be awesome!
October 19th, 2005 at 12:35 pm
Outstanding. I love creative commenting.
October 19th, 2005 at 9:37 pm
Agreed. Great comments. dsmith, OF COURSE! How could I have missed that? Bravo
October 20th, 2005 at 9:22 am
The Portrait of Dorian Jagger
Cranky has some questions about the half- century-long run of Mick’s kavorka. (Sooper Sekret Message to Gordo: We rather like big, red, empy rectangles, thank you very much!)…
October 20th, 2005 at 11:39 am
owwwwwww wwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! My eyes hurt now.
October 20th, 2005 at 1:27 pm
I think I need a wire brush and a gallon of cheap vodka.
October 20th, 2005 at 8:45 pm
Sorry Brian and Jane. But it was necessary. Mick offended the Neocons… and we took action.
October 20th, 2005 at 9:50 pm
Mick offended me when I was liberal. But then, I was only like, 10 or so.