A Personal Message
December 29th, 2005 at 12:11 pm by Preston Taylor HolmesTo the hippie in the red hatchback who just pulled out of Panera Bread on Kingston Pike:
I tried to stop you and tell you that you’d left your large Coke on top of your car, but you didn’t listen. You were in too much of a hurry to get to your Hellbender Press editors’ meeting, I guess.
When you turned right onto Kingston Pike, your Coke fell right off of the top of your car and you kept on going. Not only was this a waste of $1.29, but the styrofoam cup that you left lying by the curb is damaging the environment even as I type this message to you. I only do it because I care. Please go back and pick it up before a wild animal eats it and dies.
And to the woman in the blue sedan who tried to tell you the same thing – I salute you for your efforts.
I suppose that’s what we both get for trying to preserve the fragile Kingston Pike strip-mall ecosystem.
Stupid hippie.
UNRELATED UPDATE:
Unrelated personal note to Mrs. Holmes. Please scratch Juan Reyes off of the potential babysitters list. Thanks.
December 29th, 2005 at 12:18 pm
This morning there was a fox dead in the road. It was trying to eat the dead racoon left over from yesterday. Stupid ecosystem.
December 29th, 2005 at 2:57 pm
I’m happy so long as there are no dead “Swamp Rabbits” spotted.
December 29th, 2005 at 3:56 pm
Something similar like that happened to me a few months ago. I was behind this mercedes and noticed his keys dangling from the trunk lock. I beeped at him and he looked in the mirror and gave me the finger. I wanted to follow him just to see the look on his face when he found his keys hanging off his trunk.
December 29th, 2005 at 4:01 pm
Hopefully they fell out into the road and he never found them.
December 29th, 2005 at 4:28 pm
you sir, Preston Taylor Holmes, are the re-incarnation of JRR Tolkien! Your colorful word pictures of Kingston Pike made me feel as though I were there, feeling your travails as though I were in the car with you. I’ll admit, my heart sunk at the thought of a small woodland creature losing it’s like over the pettiness of an Administration’s wild, unchecked power-mongering, and the eternal struggle of man vs. gravity.
You sir, Preston Taylor Holmes, are a national treasure. This was a work of art. No, this was magnificence. NO! These words are too small, in the light of your radiance.
Therefore, I shall coin a new word, worthy of your greatness, “scrumtralecent.” Your scrumtralecent story was so moving, touching, and….scrumtralecent, that even God Almighty only deigns but a moment to lick the boots of the wordsmith that is…Preston Taylor Holmes.
December 29th, 2005 at 4:40 pm
Is God a bootlicker, or is that just you?
December 29th, 2005 at 4:47 pm
JRR Tolkien is dead? Who gets all his movie money?
And Chip, I think Mac is been unnecessarily mean with his sarcasm. He has a soft spot for hippies which I’ve obviously trod upon.
December 29th, 2005 at 7:00 pm
OIC… By the way, what were you doin’ at Panera Bread? Is the stuff they sell in the bags at the grocery store not good enough for your discriminating tastes? Or is just next door to some place cool where people who are cool actually go?
December 29th, 2005 at 8:26 pm
PTH,
Is it possible that another wild animal has been attracted to the hippy/coke/ecology story? Methinks it is a polecat who goes by the name MacStansbury. Pepe le Pew he ain’t.
December 30th, 2005 at 12:07 am
JLJ, I have no idea what you just said, but…I still have no idea what you just said. I think you said something about a skunk? NOT SCRUMTRALECENT!
and, yes, I have a soft spot for hippies…in the back of my van…say, do you know what a “roofie” is? just drink this…