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Snaggletoothed Limey Scolds Wistful Sailor

February 6th, 2006 at 12:01 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

In a fit of 80′s Police-related musical nostalgia, a Long Island sailor decided to send out a few messages in a bottle. He wasn’t prepared for what he got back for his trouble.

Captain Harvey Bennett of Long Island cast off five plastic bottles last August, hoping that at least one of them would deliver its message to foreign climes, the local East Hampton Star newspaper reported.

“I recently found your bottle while taking a scenic walk on the beach by Poole Harbour,” read the letter, which was signed by one Henry Bigglesworth of Bournemouth on the south coast of Britain.

“While you may consider this some profound experiment on the path and speed of oceanic currents, I have another name for it: litter,” the letter said.

The irate Bigglesworth then went on to expound on his less than flattering view of the residents of the United States in general.

“You Americans don’t seem to be happy unless you are mucking about somewhere,” he said.

Let’s set aside for a moment that this man’s name is HENRY BIGGLESWORTH – surely he used this as a comical nickname instead of his real name, whatever that may be.

But, despite Bigglesworth’s disdain for the country that opened a can of whoop-ass and turned Britain into the 51st state, he has a point. It turns out that Bennett, the bottle-launcher, has spent way too much time sending messages across the sea.

Bennett, 55, a self-confessed serial message-in-a-bottle sender, told the newspaper it was the first time he had ever received an angry response.

“I kind of felt like no good deed goes unpunished,” he said.

Um…. tossing message-filled bottles into the Atlantic really doesn’t qualify as a good deed, at least not according to my traditional understanding of good deeds. Next time you send out a bottle, Mr. Bennett, I recommend you include this message:

Dear Whatever-Third-World-Country-This Is,

Though you’ve probably never seen one of these,
it’s called a bottle. Feel free to marvel at it.

Share the technology with the other cavemen nearby.

Perhaps, one day, your country will cobble together
the intellect to create something equally as staggering.

I know that’s doubtful, but perhaps… perhaps….

Sincerely,
America

Now that’s a good deed.

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3 Responses to “Snaggletoothed Limey Scolds Wistful Sailor”

Rhod Says:
February 6th, 2006 at 4:38 pm
As a recovering Anglophile, I can tell you that Bigglesworth is by no means an exception. England is rotten with his kind…and a “scenic walk on the beach at Poole Harbour”? Is this guy blind?
"John Galt" Says:
February 6th, 2006 at 4:45 pm
Having once visited Bournemouth I can assure you the beach is neither scenic nor a delight to walk.
Rhod Says:
February 6th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
John:

I’m surprised that Bigglesworth found the bottle with the note, considering how many bottles there are at any one time. Maybe Biggle was gathering with his shopping cart.

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