Real Life, King Missile Style
February 24th, 2006 at 8:53 pm by Preston Taylor HolmesThe lyrics to King Missile’s “Detachable Penis,” (lyrics by John S. Hall, reprinted without permission):
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover,
and my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It’s detachable.
This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home when I think it’s going to get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out when I don’t need it.
But now and then I go to a party,
get drunk,
and the next morning I can’t for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment
and I couldn’t find it,
so I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn’t seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
coz for some reason,
I leave it there sometimes,
but not this time.
So I told them if it pops up
to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don’t like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man
and I really hate to have to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast.
Then as I walked down Second Avenue toward St. Mark’s Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted 22 bucks,
but I talked him down to 17.
I took it home,
washed it off,
and put it back on.
I was happy again.
Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don’t know. Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.
and my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It’s detachable.
This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home when I think it’s going to get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out when I don’t need it.
But now and then I go to a party,
get drunk,
and the next morning I can’t for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment
and I couldn’t find it,
so I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn’t seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
coz for some reason,
I leave it there sometimes,
but not this time.
So I told them if it pops up
to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don’t like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man
and I really hate to have to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast.
Then as I walked down Second Avenue toward St. Mark’s Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted 22 bucks,
but I talked him down to 17.
I took it home,
washed it off,
and put it back on.
I was happy again.
Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don’t know. Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.
Now for the real-life, less amusing, more painful, detachable penis:
A man walked in and asked a female clerk if she could use the store microwave to warm up something he had wrapped in a paper towel.
Concerned about an unusual odor from the oven, the clerk opened the microwave to check on the item and out tumbled what appeared to be a severed human penis, wrapped up in the paper towel.
Police were called immediately and the man ran out of the store empty handed.
“Hopefully, they’re looking for the person this belongs to,” said Sandy Furman, of McKeesport.
If anyone has seen a penis-less man (well, other than Barney Frank) flailing about in a distraught manner, please contact McKeesport Police.
hat tip to Tiny E
February 24th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
OMG, you found Peter. The last time I saw him was 2 days ago. We had a heated argument and he stormed out saying ” I’m a HEADING to the GET-GO mart to cool off.” I asked him not to leave, considering he was so bad OFF he could hardly STAND on his own.
If you talk to him, tell him he is sorely missed.
February 25th, 2006 at 12:00 am
Boy, he took that “Meat Buffet” part a bit literally.