I guess I’ll update this as I add random commentary (refresh for updates). What do you care? Surely you didn’t expect actual content from me tonight.

First and foremost – to all you illegals who “skipped work” today, you weren’t missed. The industrial machine kept on rolling just fine without you. Hell, take the rest of the week off. That’ll give you more free time to shit on our country.

Holy crap – I just looked at that Mandisa story, Cranky. What the hell is that thing?

So I was working out at the YMCA tonight (don’t laugh), and while I was slogging away on the treadmill, they had the TV on ABC’s Wife Swap. The only clips I’ve seen of this show was when they had some “crazy” Christian lady who went all nuts on everyone. Was that Wife Swap or some other knock-off reality craphole?

Anyway, I did find it surprisingly interesting. There was one family – we’ll call them the “Christian” family. They were highly structured, almost cartoonishly all-American traditional familyesque. The other family was ruled by a fat, hippie matriarch who let the kids get away with whatever they wanted – the father could have cared less.

So * gasp * imagine the culture shock when these two ladies swapped spots!

The Christian mom tried to clean up the fat beast’s family with stricter rules and regulations, family mealtimes, etc. The fat would-be-wiccan tried to annihilate the rules and regulations of the Christian family by allowing them to do whatever they want, whenever they want. Specifically, televisions in the kids rooms, no filtering of the internet, free reign for pubescent teens.

The gargantuan woman’s parenting styles had turned her own daughter into a filthy whore, her son into a no-good layabout and their younger sibling into a disaffected stranger. Further proof that kids actually need guidance and values, and not the free-range idiocy of the blubbery hippie’s parenting style.

The most surprising part to me was that ABC didn’t make the Christian family out to be complete freaks – and emphasized the best part of the show, which was the scene when the corpulent hippie mom tried to get the family to join her on the couch to eat their dinner and they rejected her by choosing to eat together as a family instead. She felt the sting of being both obese and ostracized at the same time – two of her primary motivations for voting Dim-O-Crack all her life.

How is Jack Bauer going to get out of this bank vault situation?

Oh, that’s how.

Paying bills sucks. And that’s a bi-partisan observation.

You know what else sucks? Having to add a stupid little $0.02 stamp to all these $0.37 stamps so that these checks will make it to their proper recipients.

I think I have bird flu. I used to have Byrds flu when all I did was sit around and listen to Roger McGuinn records. But now it’s just bird flu. You don’t need a 12-string Rickenbacker to have bird flu. Byrds flu is more fun with a 12-string Rickenbacker. Why am I still talking to you people?

One last thought – about that Duke Lacrosse “Rape Scandal” over which the Old Media was creaming their jeans for the past few weeks. Sounds like the stripper may have been trying to set them rich white boys up. If the DNA don’t fit, you must acquit! Do you think all the pro-murder O.J. fans will enjoy my rhyme to commemorate this potential Anita Hill-esque attempted-race-baiting hate-crime failure?

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