Earph Day
April 22nd, 2006 at 9:55 pm by Preston Taylor HolmesLet’s see. I almost completely forgot about Earph Day. Where we celebrate this big blue marble of ours and attack the Republicans for trying to blow it up!
Here are some of the things I usually do to celebrate Earph Day:
- Go out and take a shit in the yard. You know, like a dog. Dogs are good custodians of the Earph, aren’t they?
- Rifle through my neighbor’s recycling bin, take a few things out and put them in the regular trash can.
- Go out to Oak Ridge, stand in front of the nuclear plant and shake my fist, shouting “damn you to hell!”
- Go to the back yard, take off all my clothes and hump a tree, all the while yelling, “damn you, Katherine Harris, damn you!” in a mock Al Gore voice.
- Linking to Feisty’s Earth Day make-your-own-menstrual-pads-to-be-at-one-with-the-earth post. Holy crapples.
April 23rd, 2006 at 1:57 am
My hippie neighbors are having a freakin’ EARPH DAY party! Can you believe that crap? I think they are celebrating by smoking some of the lettuce they grow.
Preston, maybe you can come over and take a shit in THEIR yard?
April 23rd, 2006 at 8:50 am
No, no, I’m relying on you to spread earth day cheer by going over and shitting in the middle of their drum circle.
April 23rd, 2006 at 9:06 am
PTH, while the shitting thing is symbolic of your annoyance and all, you do realize that shit is an effective organic fertilizer and you’d probably make them all HAPPY by taking a fantastic dump on their lawn? Hell, they’d cheer, get out the yard rakes and spread it all over the damn place.
Ironically, a more diabolical scheme would be to sneak in under cover of darkness and use chemically-enriched commercial FERTILIZER on their lawn. That’d REALLY piss ‘em off.
April 23rd, 2006 at 10:18 am
Good point, Feisty, as usual. I should have remembered this from the Tenacious D “Jesus Ranch” episode where they used the commune’s fecal matter to grow mammoth baked potatoes.
“I’m takin’ a walk in the woods
It’s nice outside,
smells of shit…”
April 23rd, 2006 at 10:44 am
Thanks for the advice y’all…after Church I plan on renting a Hummer, driving to a Home Depot 50 miles away (although there is one just down the street), loading it with the most chemically complex fertilizer I can find, and dumping it across their lawn.
One problem. Since they are all still passed out in the back yard, am I liable if they wake up, try to smoke it, and choke to death?
April 23rd, 2006 at 12:04 pm
I usually celebrate Earph day all year long…I save all of my fast food garbage, empty smoke packs, and porn catalogs I get in the mail, then when Earph day actually arrives, I typically grab a friend, load them in the car with me and we clean the son-of-a-bitch out along the interstate (usually screaming “EVERYDAY IS EARTH DAY!!!” at the top of our lungs as the armloads of refuse get catapulted out the windows and sunroof). It’s also my little contribution to inmate rehabilitation, because I’ve heard from a lot of people that it’s the highlight of a prisoner’s week to go wear the orange vest and pick up shit from the side of the road.