Garage Sale Live Blogging
April 22nd, 2006 at 10:41 am by Preston Taylor HolmesI bet this is a post you never thought you’d see. Oh well, I’m stuck here manning the garage sale, so might as well take advantage of the wireless router, eh?
Current action: One female shopper, fairly attractive, bordering on milfy. Perusing the hardbacks. Will update with breaking news as it happens. Update: Borderline milf leaves without making a purchase. Oh well, at least I got to ogle her whilst she browsed.
Had a guy earlier looking for guns/knives. I said, “if I had any guns or knives for sale, I’d be pointing them at you, mister…” I didn’t mention the Ruger SP-101 that I’m keeping in my pocket for protection. And for shooting shoplifters.
For more,
A fairly attractive couple just came back and bought the drapes they were contemplating earlier. Nice rack. Wow, I hope my objectifying of women shoppers doesn’t make you people think I’m a misogynist.
A two-year-old kid just had trouble parting with the dollar he’d been holding. I know the feeling. Buyer’s remorse is even more painful at age two. But at least he got a new book out of the deal.
Things are VERY quiet now. Where are you, shoppers? Oh well. At least the sun is out. Wait – a buyer! I just marked a table down from $15 to $6. Mrs. Holmes says everything must go, and that means everything. Uh oh – a gang of three women are here. Can’t tell if they’re hetero or not. Will let you know. Update: Hetero. I’d do one, but not the other.
Here come some troublemakers. Lookout. Update: They didn’t steal anything. Whew.
Just sold some VHS movies to a guy in an AC/DC hat, Beth will be glad to know. Pink Floyd’s The Wall on VHS for $1. It doesn’t get any better than that, baby.
Whoever that is visiting from Indonesia, welcome. Unless you’re one of those jihadis.
That goes for you from Phoenix too. Things are so slow around here, I’m checking the site-meter to see who’s visiting this ridiculous post, you see. And whoever that is from La Vergne, yo, whassap?
Well, after a serious drought, a couple of cars have pulled up. Maybe these chumps will take some of this crap off our hands. Update: Sold! An egg slicer and a knife sharpener!
Just had a visit from a milf and 2 kids. Leggy, she was. I told her to come back anytime. Just like that. I said anytime. I think it creeped her out.
Currently lurking: 15 visitors. Why don’t you people de-lurk and say something? Looks like another dry spell is upon me. Please don’t make me go read my SQL Server Reporting Services book.
I was just made for sales. I think I should change careers. I just got rid of two books by lying through my teeth about how great they were. Chumps.
Did you hear that John al-Querry is actually considering running for the White House again in 2008? I say go for it, Lurch. If you couldn’t beat President Milquetoast Mushmouth Junior, how do you think you’re going to beat a decent candidate? And that’s assuming the GOP can cobble one together. Which is fairly doubtful.
Oh, the green suitcase? You can have it for $10. Cheap bastard.
Who is that visiting from Foley, Alabama? Are you one of those hot Bama Southern Belles? If so, delurk with your phone number. If not, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
Well, just had in the Four Horsewomen of the Apocolypse. It seemed like they might have trouble squeezing into the garage at the same time. One of them was eyeing the refrigerator pretty hard. I had to let her know that the food in the refrigerator was not for sale. She grunted something that I’m not sure was made up of words.
Now we’ve gone international on the site-meter. We’ve got someone from Brighton, West Sussex (England), Tokyo, Alberta (Canada), and Portland, Oregon, which I don’t include as part of the United States.
Holy shit, can you tell I’m bored? If someone were to come over here and offer me $50 for everything, I’d let ‘em have it at this point. I may just have to have an early afternoon Negro Modelo to ease the pain.
Well, since my battery is about to die, just like this garage sale (they’ll be buried in graves next to one another) I’m going to close this exciting post now. Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you found this as bizarre and uncomfortable as I did. I may or may not post any more this weekend. Who knows. Depends on what the kids allow me to do. What do you care? You didn’t even come to my garage sale.
April 22nd, 2006 at 12:18 pm
How much is that framed velvet painting of dogs playing poker? I’ll give you $10…
April 22nd, 2006 at 12:23 pm
For you, Billy, you get it for $5. $5 and two smacks in the mouth because I like ya.
April 22nd, 2006 at 12:32 pm
Does the leather outfit come with whips?
April 22nd, 2006 at 12:37 pm
For you – cat-o-nine-tails is included. Only because I know you’d use them well.
April 22nd, 2006 at 1:20 pm
Nice day for a sale. Guess I’d have to get a wonderbra to go to yours though.:???:
April 22nd, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Aw, c’mon Michele. I’m just playin’. I’m not really inappropriately eyeing the female shoppers. I’m a gentleman. Give or take a few manners.
April 22nd, 2006 at 1:27 pm
hmmm.
April 22nd, 2006 at 1:32 pm
P.S. didn’t figure Preston as a revolver man. Prefer the Ruger P90 for our household. We sold a mauser broom handle once at a garage sale, so it’s not unheard of in this area.
April 22nd, 2006 at 2:02 pm
Well, Michele, if you must know. My carry weapon is the Glock 27. But it’s nice to have the reliability of the revolver around the house for such occasions. The Mrs. has a lady S&W revolver that she prefers. It’s lightweight.
April 22nd, 2006 at 2:05 pm
Is that a Commodore VIC 20? How much?
April 22nd, 2006 at 2:56 pm
I’m not a big fan of the Glocks. Their handles are too short for me, although I’ve always heard good things about them from their owners.
April 22nd, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Glocks are top-rack washable, so they are easy to maintain. Sorry Preston, couldn’t resist.
April 22nd, 2006 at 3:33 pm
At one of the last garage sales I went to, they had a homemade, ceramic bust of Elvis that had been modified into a lamp. Was wondering if you have one of those lying about?
April 22nd, 2006 at 4:27 pm
Exador, they make a grip extender, which I have. Adds 1 to the clip as an added benefit.
Funny, Michele – the guy I took a class from in Nashville hated Glocks. He said (1) city police forces use them because they’re the lowest bidder and (2) they’re plastic. All I know is I like the way they feel, shoot and my accuracy is better with them.
And Coma, the Elvis lamp went early this morning. Sorry, too late.
April 22nd, 2006 at 5:40 pm
I just bought a nail-puller online. Does that turn you on, PTH?
I want to be able to slam that thing down HARD and remove nails from my wood without damaging the surrounding wood. Mmmm. So hot.
April 22nd, 2006 at 5:47 pm
Honestly, I have no problem with the fact that they’re plastic. I’ve just heard so many stories about the Glocks trigger pull being too light, and consequently a lot of poeple shooting themselves in the foot. A child (4?)in Tennessee (I think it was Nashville) got a hold of his father’s Glock and shot him to death. I know his dad was an idiot for leaving it out, but I couldn’t see a four year old being able to pull the trigger unless it was very weak.
April 22nd, 2006 at 6:03 pm
Hubby says get a Sig.
April 23rd, 2006 at 12:15 am
Republican values at work — lying to enrich one’s self, no matter how trivial. Nice to see a winger so open about his values.
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 8:47 am
Hey JP,
Two things – (1) get a sense of humor (2) don’t you have some pictures of your cat to take?
Twat.
April 23rd, 2006 at 10:41 am
Two things – (1) get a sense of humor (2) don’t you have some pictures of your cat to take?
1.) I have one… and it doesn’t include lying to people to get some pocket change out of them. Again, nice to see just how cheaply GOP values are sold. Lip-service, only. Lie to make some pennies on a paperback. My, oh my. See, we know what you are… now we’ve settled on a price!
2.) Yes, I do.
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 11:27 am
Marking a table down from $15 to $6? Pink Floyd for a dollar??? How’s Roger Waters supposed to pay for Peace in the Middle East on that budget?
Preznint Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Ha-Ha-criminal war profiteer!
You’re the Halliburton of yard sales. You’re the FEMA of antiquing. Threatening aging tang to hand over their country cooters and waving your big, unregistered gun in their faces.
Racially profiling shoppers and giving better deals to Caucasian/non-hispanics. Disenfranchiser! Disenfranchising with your franchise.
I see through your GOP lies Preston.
/cuckoo, cuckoo
April 23rd, 2006 at 11:51 am
It’s good to see that Republic Party cultists are finally being open about their embracing of moral relativism. Lying’s okay, if it’s only to make a dime off a crappy old paperback, y’see. It’s so much better than that moral absolutism that GOPers used to demand.
Then again, if someone would lie to me to sell me a crappy old paperback for ashtray change, I have to wonder: What wouldn’t they lie about?
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 12:29 pm
It’s good to see that NobodyIsTalking is so jumping on a Sunday morning that their free-range trolls are wandering off the reservation.
April 23rd, 2006 at 12:55 pm
Evade and insult. It’s all you have, in defense of lying to make a lousy, thin dime.
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 12:58 pm
JP, you seem to be stuck on that who lying for a dime thing. Are you an anti-Semite?
April 23rd, 2006 at 12:59 pm
Smantix – have you seen Jesterton’s “blog”? I think we should go easy on him. There’s a serious possibility of a medically-diagnosed retardation there.
Jesterton, given your clinical status as simpleton, I withdraw all insults heretofore flung at you.
April 23rd, 2006 at 1:09 pm
JP, you seem to be stuck on that who lying for a dime thing. Are you an anti-Semite?
Actually, I’m a floor wax and a dessert topping! *sheesh*
Stuck? Well, that’s why I came here. To me, lying for personal gain is so perfectly encapsulating of GOP “values,” and Preston just shows how cheaply he’ll sell a basic value (in this case, honesty). Of course, I note that no one defends this, which is good. Instead, hurl some insults, please. It doesn’t change what I’ve identified as the typical GOP “values” mindset one iota.
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 1:14 pm
Actually, JP it appears that you came “here” to get more attention than your pathetic website gets.
It’s kind of like the obnoxious kid with a snotty nose who hangs around the football team and cheerleaders…he might get picked on, but at least someone other than his mother is giving him some attention.
April 23rd, 2006 at 2:48 pm
given your clinical status as simpleton
Heh! A graduate of The Dr. William Frist Telediagnosis Correspondence Course! Ahhhh-Waaaaa!
What’s even funnier is how proud you were to announce your “values” of lying “through [your] teeth” to make a few pennies. Hey, do you lie to make change on Sundays, or would that be in conflict with some other pseudo-value to which you pay lip-service?
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 4:51 pm
I know Jeff. That Frist correspondence course pales to what you picked up at the Columbus College of Art didn’t it?
April 23rd, 2006 at 4:55 pm
C’mon, guys… defend the value of lying to make a couple of dimes to rub together.
What? You can’t?
Dang.
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 5:45 pm
Smantix, he has us.
We tried everything and still he dogs us like Woodward and Bernstein. I’m afraid Garagesale Gate is not going way.
What say we draw up the Articles of Impeachment and oust Preston?
Curse you Jeff, you’re just too intrepid for us!
April 23rd, 2006 at 5:56 pm
Hahahaha!
Like I said, much to your credit, no one has even tried to defend the lying for personal gain. I’m glad we all consider liars scumbags; at least we can agree on that.
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 6:56 pm
That’s traitor-talk Cranky.
Just because Jefferson is older than you *doesn’t* mean you should take everything he says seriously. Christ knows no one else does.
Even though Preston (our Preston) was installed by the USDA in a controversial 5-4 vote, this is a blog of laws. Laws that maintain order. Laws, that, if need be, can mete out punishment.
This insurrection, like Jeffroham’s employment, will not last. I’m warning everyone not to cross this rubicon.
April 23rd, 2006 at 7:05 pm
Preston better fucking lie to sell his shit, because if he doesn’t kick up the weekly vig, I’ll remove his kneecaps.
There, you got your defense, now go stroke your pussy again, Jeffiepoo.
April 23rd, 2006 at 7:30 pm
Smantix.
Preston Lied, People Died!
He committed a crime and scored a dime!
He sold the sh*t and wouldn’t quit!
This is just what the Nazis did! I now share Jeff’s concern that we’re on the moral slippery slope from this “innocent deception” to leading the country into war on false pretenses.
No rest until there’s an arrest!
April 23rd, 2006 at 7:51 pm
No justice, no peas!
(nicely done Gordo, or shall I say…Jesse?)
April 23rd, 2006 at 7:58 pm
“innocent deception”
Okay, you moral relativist. At what amount of money does the line from “innocent deception” to “a lie I wouldn’t excuse” get crossed?
Let me guess: The second it comes from someone that isn’t a member of the Republic Party cult.
.
April 23rd, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Prior to deciding on a yard sale, we had recently learned from the British government that hot milf was seeking to purchase paperbacks in Knoxville.
Did they obtain the paperbacks they were looking for? Who’s to say? Our source spent the whole time drinking RC colas and eating moon pies – going “native” as they say.
Regardless, attempts to leak this information to the press has threatened our national unity.
I propose that we hold a predetermined outcome, bi-blogger Garage Sale Commission to determine what paperbacks were sought and exactly how hot this milf was.
April 23rd, 2006 at 8:12 pm
I am so there! Rove called. He wants in too.
April 23rd, 2006 at 8:30 pm
How could I deny the Kegmeister from joining in?
Besides, he and “Vespa” may have some ideas as to how we can ixnay the eakerlay.
You go to war with the blog you have. Not the blog you wish you had.
April 23rd, 2006 at 10:32 pm
You’re the Halliburton of yard sales. You’re the FEMA of antiquing. Threatening aging tang to hand over their country cooters and waving your big, unregistered gun in their faces.
Holy fuck, that was hilarious.
And Preston, your paperback sales techniques are akin to Nazi Germany. It’s like luring the jews to the railroad yard with some trumped up promises meant to deceive, rob them of their precious money…then kill them. It’s totally the same thing. Biggot. Liar liar pants on fire!
April 24th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
got any trains?