Not the porn! Leave the porn alone for the love of criminy!

What did those dildos ever do to you? Or is it what they didn’t do to you that’s got you ticked, Mr. or Mrs. Sex Shop Terrorist?

Back when I lived in Nashville, we used to live at The Grove apartments on Elmington Avenue. We would often drive by the park there at Elmington and West End, where we would see scenes like these:

The wife (then fiancee) and I would say to one another, oh my, what a throwback to the days of yore…, then we’d head down to Baja Burrito for a big fat chicken burrito.

Anyway, the Tennessean, known nationwide for its cutting-edge journalism, reminded me of these bloated battlers with a feature this week.

I never got the whole D&D thing or Lord of the Rings, so maybe I’m just too uneducated to really appreciate this group’s brand of absurd ritual. But, I suppose it is like pretty much any other sporting event, as long said sporting event uses a Nerf™ brand sport ball.

I find the whole “very athletic” thing odd, because when we would come upon these Ogre battles, it was often a mix of morbidly-obese and pencil-thin combatants, moving in a grotesque ballet of flying foam swords and cellulite. On the other hand, they did wear the heavy costumes in the heat of summer, which has to help shed the pounds.

I’ll go ahead and save Brittney the trouble and make this point: at least it’s better than real war!

The insanely funny Dan Riehl exposes the Democratic party’s culture of corruption.

Interestingly, he contrasts it with the imagery of a boxing match – metaphorically illustrating the bare-knuckle nature of partisan politics and calling attention to Harry Reid’s conflict of interest.

Brilliant work or the product of a sick mind? You be the judge.

It’s filthy hippies covered in pepper spray! An improvement, I can assure you!

More here.

Today’s Lesson: Know your heroin.

If we’d only legalized smack, we wouldn’t have had to suffer the not-so-tragic-loss of 48 drug addicts in the last 10 days.

(via LGF)

I love starting the day off with good news. Four paleswinians were wiped out as they set up to fire rockets into Israel, under the watchful (and sympathetic) eye of the Anti-American Associated Press.

I wonder if Bilal Hussein was in the area. Would have been nice to have taken him out at the same time. Oh well. The least the AP photographer could have done was jump in front of some of those IDF bullets – that’s the only real way to demonstrate genuine solidarity. Lighting the fuse and running is nice, but show some stones, journalists!

Tragedy? No, Progress.

From the New York Times’ editorial pages:

Can you believe the nerve? Well actually, they were on their Republicans-and-other-racists-would-stop-you-from-voting tear. The actual words they used are below. Sadly the only hint of keeping elections honest is this qualifier, “Protecting the integrity of voting is important, but”

1. minority groups
2. poor people
3. less educated voters

Two of the most confusing editorials from Today’s Wall Street Journal. When Scaife told me not to cash my current check till Friday, I thought he was kidding – but now, my phone isn’t ringing at all. What gives ya’ll?

John Fund is trying to smuggle a solution across the border for our current immigration woes with a Dylan-esque “give me shelter from the storm”:

That’s why it’s good news that the glimmer of a workable compromise surfaced this week, courtesy of Rep. Mike Pence of Indiana, (who) [...] says the only bill that can pass in this year’s hothouse environment may have to be one that couples stiffer border enforcement with a no-amnesty guest-worker program.

His proposal (which can be found here) would have the U.S. government contract with gold-standard private employment agencies such as Kelly Services to establish offices called Ellis Island Centers in countries that supply the most illegal alien labor today. The centers would provide an incentive for illegals to leave the country and apply for guest-worker visas in the U.S. that would be granted within a week by matching workers with jobs employers can’t fill with American workers.

How do we know these are jobs “Americans don’t want to do?” Were they ever advertised? This is an attempt to make illegal labor not conform to US labor laws while granting legitimacy to companies to violate US labor laws. How does the American worker compete with that?

Preternaturally, Lindsey Graham, the answer to the question no one asked, offers his unwanted opinion as he is yet another “finger on the pulse” kind of guy. And his other hand is on Hillary’s, eh, let’s go with leg:

As for the politics, South Carolina’s Sen. Lindsey Graham told the Los Angeles Times that if congressional Republicans can’t get a bill passed, “we will do to Bush on immigration what Democrats did to him on Social Security. It would be a signal to the country at large that we as Republicans, who own the whole government, can’t solve hard problems.”

(ed. – Now who’s making threats and stomping their feet?)

For all its limitations, Rep. Pence’s proposal is an innovative idea that can be used as a platform on which to build upon in the future. In the current political storm, it may be a port worth seeking shelter near.

Given that assessment, we’re looking more like a Blonde on Blonde solution – Most Likely You Go Your Way and I’ll Go Mine. Take this brilliant “compromise” as you wish.

Then the feature editorial is in William Jefferson’s Defense!

(more…)

He just couldn’t leave it alone. Nope. John Kerry, without a trace of shame, embarassment or evidence goes back to asserting his war story.

Just One Minute has an excellent point-by-point analysis of the NYT group grope.

For all the heated election-year blustering about the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and whether they were paid Rove operatives, the truth remains that the Vietnam veterans were screwed over by this opportunistic young politician.

The vets waited many years for the opportunity to hold Kerry accountable for his many despicable actions – actions which never held repercussions for Sen. Kerry.

I’m glad they had that opportunity and hope they received closure when Kerry lost the election.

Happy Memorial Day.

(Sirloin Tip – Ace)

The Anti-American Associated Press reports that 75 inmates at the Gitmo chicken coops are staging hunger strikes.

As a sign of respect for these brave soldiers, I recommend we help them with their mission. Hide the Gummi Bears, peanut butter sandwiches and beef jerky. Send ‘em on their way… straight to their 72 goats.

Maybe sponsoring 5 discussion threads for why Al Gore should run for President and who can get me a screening to “An Inconvenient Truth” really is what the kids are talking about these days. Did I say 5? I meant 20. Or that Bin Laden is a CIA Operative. Or having Global Warming as the only True Religion. Or post-modern colonialism as it relates to Hurricane Katrina.

Al Gore’s Google Current TV message board makes the Democratic Underground look like the McNeil-Lehr News Hour.

Of course Gore, and subsequently Google, coddling the Chi-coms is nothing new but isn’t it time Google had a marked drop off in users? (re: Insty)

Google [Jonah Goldberg]

It’s kind of sad. They change their homepage logo for all sorts of holidays and occasions. Just last week they paid tribute to Arthur Conan Doyle’s birthday. But Memorial Day doesn’t seem to rate anything at all.

Update: A reader sends this along:

It’s worse than you think. Google doesn’t always do logos for the same days every year, but they’ve never changed their logo for Memorial Day.

Google Holiday Logos

Earth Day gets a logo but Memorial Day doesn’t? Burning Man, La Fête de la Musique, Andy Warhol, International Women’s Day, the Indian Festival – Holi have all made the grade. Not once, have they ever had one for Christmas either.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Given how rich Google is helping to make an enemy of this country, what search engines are the best alternatives to Google?

Set your home pages accordingly.

Two Memorial Day toons for you. The first from Michael Ramirez (my favorite editorial cartoonist), and the second from Cox & Forkum.

click to embiggen

click to embiggen

A couple of hum-dingers regarding this week’s Jefferson – Hastert – Pelosi corruption investigation.

Cold Fury:

Two things that are truly bi-partisan in Congress are the eternal quest for greater power and the almost romantic love of the greenback.

Also, the Rottweiler:

(via the Interdictor)

There is a group of malcontents down in NOLA who have come up with a rather unique way to mark Memorial Day.

I can think of no better way to celebrate Memorial Day than to pay homage to the thousands of dependents that Daddy Government didn’t come and save during Katrina. Let’s memorialize their complete lack of personal responsibility for their own fate.

And, by all means, take this opportunity to join Levees.Org – because when you live well below sea-level, surrounded by water, why should you be to blame for riding out the storm?

When I think of Memorial Day, I think of free big-screen TVs, truckloads of free Nikes and community covered-dish suppers at the Superdome. I’m sure you feel the same way.

Admitting that your special interests are addicted to cheap labor is the first step. Only then, can the healing begin.

Illegal immigration is not like getting a speeding ticket. However, it is a lot closer to second hand smoke and can be hazardous to your political health.

I’ll go ahead and kick things off with this little diddy:

Anonymous Drivel is the C. Everett Koop of the INS:

michel produced a note from his doctor to verify this warning. So, you know it has to be true:

Wild Bill is even considering a change to his active lifestyle:

Mac majored in Pre-Med but he skipped Sensitivity Training 411. That’s why he points and laughs at a bad case of “E.D.” (Electoral Dysfunction) when he sees it:

Team Swap is still upset that Chris Daughtry lost:

UPDATE: THANKS TO EVERYBODY PARTICIPATING IN OUR LITTLE EXERCISE THIS WEEKEND. Maybe one day before November the Self-Anointed Arbiters of Conservative Conscience will come down from on high and explain why we’re supposed to bend over and take this one for the team without so much of the namecalling.

John Derbyshire absolutely nails it:

(more…)

And so is Peace, by the way

So please do your part to make sure that this patriot gets as much peace as possible.

As the world’s most degenerative body concluded it’s national monologue on illegal immigration, it is now up to House Republicans to halt two years worth of impeachment investigations and proceedings which are going to begin the moment Donks take a one vote majority in either the House or the Senate.

WASHINGTON – Senators are challenging House Republicans to give ground on their enforcement-only fix for the country’s immigration problems and consider offering citizenship to millions of immigrants illegally in the U.S.

A message to House Republicans: DO NOT RELENT. If House Republicans kill this bill, it will be you in the Senate in a few years rather than the bought off and paid for hacks who have sold our national security for a cheap bag of oranges.

From the President:

“It is a moment that millions of families have been hoping for. This is the moment that millions of people have been working for,” he said Thursday in an address to a joint session of the California Legislature. “Today’s historic vote is a monumental step forward, but we recognize that there is more debate ahead.”

Millions of people who are not voting U.S. Citizens, that is. This does nothing to help those millions of families. I meant to say that quote was from President Fox of Mexico. It’s so hard to tell the difference these days.

From the desk of Tugboat Teddy:

“First, to our leaders, to Senator Frist and Senator Reid: We wouldn’t be here this evening with this extraordinary coming together of the United States Senate and really an expression of the desire of the American people without the leadership in the United States that we have had, leadership in our committee with Senator Specter, Senator Leahy.

I pay tribute to my colleague and friend, Senator McCain, who we’ve worked with for three years in the development of this legislation; with our colleagues here, members of the Judiciary Committee and a band of brothers, Republican and Democrat alike, who saw the importance of the passage of this legislation, saw that America needed to relight the golden lamp.

Relight the lamp? What?

Maybe you don’t know it buster, but nobody can see the golden lamp because we’ve got illegals surrounding it like moths to a flame. Not because it’s gone out.

When Teddy’s happy, you know it’s wrong for America. Leaky and Spekter do not represent us and never will.

With this vote, McCain is throwing away his shot at the Presidency. With Frist’s complicity, he’s trying to jump Al Gore’s spot in line for least popular Tennessee politician who can’t carry his home state.

A sad day for the people of this country and if this bill reaches Junior’s desk it will mark the beginning of the Pre-Impeachment Era.

I’m not wavering over Iraq. Everyone had the same intelligence for a decade and Bush’s remarks are the same as his predecessors. They are interchangeable.

But if you want to go after him on this issue. Feel free. I won’t complain. He’s abdicated his Constitutional responsibility to protect the country. The same goes for everyone who supports this bill.

Maybe then one of these smart guys can explain under oath how you can look at somebody and tell whether they’ve been in the country illegally less than 2 years, between 2 & 5 years, or over 5 years. By just looking at them. Disgraceful.

KOOL-AID HAPPY HOUR UPDATE: As if anyone needed any further evidence that the kool-aid drinkers have moved on to 80 proof margaritas and still don’t get it, Drudge is running a line at the top about Tony Snow comparing illegal immigration to a traffic ticket:

“If you had a traffic ticket and you paid it, you’re not forever a speeder, are you?” White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said in response to questions from The Examiner.

“So the fact is, you have paid your debt to society,” he added. “And we have come up with a way to make sure that the debt to society gets paid. Then you move forward.”

House Republicans better step up to the plate and shut down the Snow Job before he pipes up again.

“You can’t lie to shareholders, you can’t put yourselves in front of your employees’ interests. No matter how rich and powerful you are, you have to play by the rules,”

Because for the system to work, all participants have to have confidence in it. That confidence is maintained through integrity.

Buh-bye.

Whilst convalescing in the Sunshine State, we have been horrified to hear all the stories of gator attacks. Needless to say, it’s made us a little jumpy.

Luckily, this constant state of controlled panic meant that we were on our guard when we were jumped by this gator…

…and we were able to escape unharmed.

What we were not prepared for, however, was a brutal attack from this dragon…

…which nearly tore us limb-from-limb.

The attacks haven’t all been terrestrial, though. We witnessed an attack on one unfortunate vacationer by a bloodthirsty mammoth butterfly. The flying carnivore – undoubtedly mutated as a result of Jeb Bush’s pollution-spewing energy policies – ripped the poor man’s face clean off, then flew back up to rest in this palm tree, chewing on the man’s severed facial tissue like so much Big League Chew™…

The butterflies aren’t the only mutated creatures down here, we’ve noticed. In fact, some inanimate objects have come to life and climed high atop other fixed structures to gain a better view of the perimeter, in order to formulate a plan of attack which will result in maximum bloodshed.

No, no, something’s not right down here. Something’s gone terribly wrong…

“Our Bolivarian revolution is very Christian and I have a friend who isn’t Christian, but lately has said he is a Christian in the social aspect: his name is Fidel Castro,” Chávez announced. “I talk to [Castro] a lot about Christ each time we see each other, and he told me recently, ‘Chávez, I’m Christian in the social sense.’”

Chávez calls Jesus Christ a socialist and a revolutionary. And that’s the kind of Christ he wants to follow. It is not clear how much the Pope was persuaded. The Vatican has criticized efforts by Chávez’s revolutionary government to curtail the influence of the Catholic Church in Venezuela. Chávez has called the Catholic Church’s hierarchy a “tumor,” while Venezuelan Cardinal Rosalio Castillo Lara has accused Chávez of aspiring towards a dictatorship.

It will be no surprise if we soon see left-wing American clerics investing Chávez with a mystical reverence previously reserved for the likes of Fidel Castro and, during the 1980s, Sandinista honcho Daniel Ortega. Indeed, the canonization of Chávez in some quarters has already begun.

The devil may be able to quote scripture but I don’t remember the verse where Commie Christ imprisoned all the journalists before nationalizing all of Rome’s natural resources, stealing foreign assets, presided over a skyrocketing murder rate, planned to sell military hardware to rogue nations and siding with other megalomaniacal dictators to blackmail the world.

Perhaps Comrade Christ has had a change of heart and come to the realization that it’s good to be King.

(h/t Lee @ digital nicotine)

The DaVinci Code may have a multi-million dollar budget, all-star cast and millions more in free publicity but the rich (well, not so rich..er, poor to be exact) aluminum-sided, double wide pantheon of White Trash lawn art raises questions just as troubling. For the low, low price of passing gawkery.

Strewn somewhere beneath the Hardee’s Bacon Double Cheeseburger wrappers and Mountain Dew cans in the floorboard of a 1988 Ford Tempo, beats the semi-blocked coronaries of a 96-Gallon White Trash visionary putting the pedal to the metal to challenge the way we view sinners and saints. Leviticus and lavatories. Revelations and Rebel Flags.

Like the similarly named movie, The DaVinci Commode has unlocked the secrets to one of life’s more intimate religious experiences….hidden for centuries by the Catholic Church.

The rural, ring-around-the-collar Rodin that sculpted this Rubenesque cherub atop it’s not-so-heavenly throne is such an inbred iconoclast as to wash away all guerilla roadside grave activists in his wake.

Like Burt Reynolds in Deliverance, I traversed the landscape of Crackerstan to attain this photo. Risking life, limb and squeal like a piggy rape as the curtains were violently thrown open @ 6am this morning to see who was trespassing with their magic picture box to capture Toilet Baby Angel in His divine squat.

In these times, such dogpatch DaVincis assuage fears of oppression. Betwixt pulled-pork barbeque and hickory smoked bacon. Walking a tightrope between faith and feces. Challenging dogma with its corn pone counterculture and porta-potty proletariat ethos.

A haunting image that lingers beyond our stained spiritual salvation and the sneering neighbors that don’t understand.

Rock on Toilet Baby Angel!

T-Shirts for the 101st Fighting Keyboardists (Chickenhawks) are now available.

Go here to check it out. Show your Chickenhawk pride and jab a thumb deep in the eye of the pacifist left. Hell, make it two thumbs.

I, for one was never fooled.

The rabid anti-war crowd so craves a Mai Lai Massacre that they’re willing to invent one.

Ace and Hot Air have the full details on the brief life of this farce.

UPDATE:

Don’t miss Jesse Macbeth’s guest editorial at Iowahawk!

Is it Profile-in-Courage Award worthy to make gratuitous slams against Christianity? Or is there a legitimate threat to “artists” who blaspheme Christianity and insult its followers?

Case in point, Grandma Esther taking her Depends thongs, vibrating cane and knobby knees back out on the road. Compare and contrast the “rage” she is being subjected to and how she is being “blasted”:

The controversial diva wore a crown of thorns and sang while hanging from a cross during Sunday night’s opener of her Confessions world tour at The Forum in Inglewood.

“Knock off the Christ-bashing,” Catholic League president Bill Donohue said in a statement Monday. “It’s just pathetic.”

Though Donohue said that Madonna “has been spicing up her act with misappropriated Christian imagery for a long time,” he thought that her faith in Kabbalah might inspire new respect for religion.

“I guess you really can’t teach an old pop star new tricks,” he said. “Poor Madonna keeps trying to shock. But all she succeeds in doing is coming across as a boring bigot.”

People “rage” and “blast” Madonna by criticizing her schtick. But when they burn down embassies and issue fatwas against editorial cartoonists it’s “a row”.

Being a Christian man, it was kind of Donohue to change “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” expression. It obviously would have been more appropriate.

A cursory look at Grandma Esther’s touring schedule shows that she’s hellbent for leather on stirring up the fundies. Fresno, Miami, New York, Montreal, Boston. All hotbeds of religious extremism.

You want controversy? You want to maintain artistic integrity?

Grab your walker Granny and limp your tired ass across the stage of the Riyadh Civic Center. Flaunt that gap-toothed maw where you might suffer something greater than having a campaign to keep you from selling Pepsi.

Let’s see how dedicated your are to this cause.

~~~Life is a mysssstery……how you still haaaaave a career~~~~

As you can see, we’ve returned after yesterday’s technical snafu.

As my webhost has yet to provide any explanation (and given their history, I don’t expect any) for yesterday’s shutting down of my database, it’s a mystery that may never be solved. I did, however, ban a few IP addresses of some people that looked like they were up to no good. I’d like to say definitively that this was a cyber attack, but it could have just as easily been utter incompetence on the part my current webhost. I’d say the chances are 30/30 on that.

I would like to thank Lissa Kay, Anonymous Drivel, Vinnie, Sean, Smantix, Ed & Scherzo for sending a variety of helpful info on .htaccess and other moral support.

The only question now is do I move to yet another host – I think that would make it about an even dozen so far – or do I do something different altogether. Oh well.