Vanity, Thy Name Is Preston
May 13th, 2006 at 11:26 am by Preston Taylor HolmesThis morning, I put myself through excruciating torture. Worse than that of any inmate at the Gitmo chicken coops. Worse than anything suffered by the victims at the many CIA Secret Prisons.
I went to a local salon and got my first (and possibly last) ever back wax.
Yeah, for those of you who didn’t just vomit out your nose and mouth, that’s right, back wax. Now, I’m no Jerry Lawler or Dirty Dutch Mantell, but I’ve got my fair share of back decoration.
In fact, if you’ll look at this chart…
… you’ll see that I register as a 6 on the official Dozier/Sasquatch Back Hair scale. By comparison, Dutch Mantell would register as a full-on 10 on the scale.
Consequently, I stand here with back that feels like I’ve been lashed with a cat-o-nine-tails and a feeling of violation that I haven’t experienced since an uncomfortable afternoon in my high school locker room.
Do I recommend it? If you’re a masochist, absolutely. If not, give it serious consideration.
I’ll probably keep going back because the girl who did it was delightfully tall drink of water that I wouldn’t mind torturing me on a regular basis….
We now end this post, which has provided more information than you could ever have wanted. For that, I apologize. It’s a shame I don’t have editors at a time like this.
May 13th, 2006 at 11:50 am
Oh, I feel the pain…
A girl my roommate in college was dating was in cosmetology school wanted to practice her newly learned skills, and I was the torture recipient. I’ll personally never do that again. I realize she was learning, but damnit, that was worse than anything I’ve ever endured. The aftermath was worse… I hope they did something to prevent ingrown hairs when they start growing back.
May 13th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Uh. Listen guys: Men don’t wax their stuff. Men don’t dye their hair. Men don’t get botox injections. Men don’t carry “bags”. Got it?
Men fart and scratch. Men make money. Men build stuff. Men break stuff. Men protect and serve.
Oh. And men chase after cool and just-a- little-trashy blog-babes like the Feisty Republican Whore. She’ll wax something for you.
Dan Patterson
Arrogant Infidel
May 13th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
And men chase after cool and just-a- little-trashy blog-babes like the Feisty Republican Whore. She’ll wax something for you.
Duh; however, I’d tie him up and strip him naked first.
Have your woman rub some Nair on your back after it starts to grow out again, if you want to puss out, darling. That’ll take it right off without an ounce ‘o pain.
May 13th, 2006 at 2:41 pm
Geez, Preston. You *paid* cash money for that when we could have held an online auction to fleece the screaming 6MB vagotariat? For the sweet, sweet privilege of hearing you purr like a baby walrus?
This must be for that new upcoming country album you said you were working on, “Did I Shave My Taint For This?”
No George “The Animal” Steele?
May 13th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
I heard there’ll be a live showing of Preston’s freshly waxed back today a 7:00pm.
I’m so there.
May 13th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
What’s Smantix going to have to grab onto now?
May 13th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
Coming to 6MB on a weekend and finding this post is like discovering HBOs late night programming. First, you’re shocked and appalled. But inexplicably, you find yourself watching.
May 13th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
What’s Smantix going to have to grab onto now?
What else have I got to grab onto, Vinnie? Except the memory of you.
Good point Cranky. I’ve been waiting for HBO’s After Dark Brazilian Bikini Wax Confessions myself.
May 13th, 2006 at 11:02 pm
May 14th, 2006 at 8:14 am
Sunday Funnies…
Expose The Left and Hot Air take a look at Gore’s wishful thinking. Oh, and we also learn that Cindy Sheehan is more representative of people’s thinking.
Llama Butchers have the carnival of Bauer
The nice doggie talks about fweedom of e…
May 14th, 2006 at 8:45 am
Oh! That brings back memories…
I and my two brothers (all of us in the 6′4″, 250+ defensive lineman mold), would, of an evening, put on our coveralls and a nice CAT or Falstaff baseball hats, and, en masse, shamble in, Skoal-in-cheek and spitcups in hand, on the chic-est hair salon in the toniest shopping mall we could find.
Why? To get an estimate on a bikini wax, of course!
The look of horror on beehive-head behind the counter as the request sunk in and these three slabs of beef began unbuttoning shoulder straps was nothing short of priceless!
“No, no, no, NONONONO!” would come the gagging response! “We don’t do that for…” Men? Wookies? Neanderthals? They never finished the sentence for some reason.
A few indignant remarks about sexism, lawsuits and protests was usually enough to garner the price of a six-pack of Pabst and a bottle of Jagie.
Ah, good times, good times.
Young, huge and hairy. Not just a condition, it’s a lifestyle!
May 14th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
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May 14th, 2006 at 10:19 pm
I’ll probably keep going back because the girl who did it was delightfully tall drink of water that I wouldn’t mind torturing me on a regular basis….
Unfortunately, she’s dually repulsed by your buffalo hide AND your effeminate wish to have it removed.
Best try your moves elsewhere.
May 15th, 2006 at 12:35 am
Well, we wimmen don’t get our backs waxed, but…well, maybe you can get an inkling of what we go through. If you think getting your back waxed is tough…
May 15th, 2006 at 7:52 am
I knew I was opening myself up for attack on this one, I just didn’t know it was going to come from some of the blogosphere’s most well-equipped battleships. I suppose I deserve it for some karma-related offense somewhere.
May 15th, 2006 at 9:06 am
From one of the blogshpere’s more insignificant warships: jeez, don’t you know that the hair will only come back thicker and darker? Enjoy your new addiction.
Off topic: what about a soccer world cup pool like you had for the NCAA?
May 15th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Ummmmm, that is sooooo metrosexual.
I agree with Dan Patterson, real men have hairy bodies. And Dutch Mantell is definitely not a 10 on the hairy scale. If I were a 10 on that scale, Dutch would only be a 7.
May 15th, 2006 at 10:25 pm
hee.hee.