By now, everyone who follows the news vigilantly (like your average Six Meat Buffet consumer) is familiar with the Taepodong-2 missile. That’s the big ICBM that the North Koreans shot off a few days ago, which supposedly can reach the western United States.

You are no doubt also aware that the three stage missile failed about 40 seconds after launch. Taepodong is Korean for “big cannon,” but perhaps they should have named it “big lemon.”

Now I know a lot of you are nervous about the whole Korean missile threat. But don’t worry. I happen to know a lot about missiles. You may wonder how come I am such an expert, but really it’s not rocket science. With a little research, you too can be an expert.

Take for instance the various prototype missiles in the Taepodong series. I looked these bad boys up and I found out that they were all failures, just like the new Taepodong-2. It seems the North Koreans just don’t make very good missiles. If you’ve ever driven a Hyundai, this shouldn’t be a surprise to you.

For your edification, here are four North Korean missile prototypes that for one reason or another sucked.

1. Taep-Udon – This missile failed repeatedly due to the difficulty in keeping the slippery noodle warhead from sloshing out of the missile during flight. It also required the use of chopsticks for maximum effect.

2. Taepo-Dung – Simply stated, this missile was a piece of crap.

3. Taepo-Bong – Whenever Korean scientists lit this missile up, they seemed to lose all interest in further testing. The rocket never got off the ground, although the scientists reportedly hit the stratosphere.

4. Taep-Odom – Designers promised that this missile could hit an 18 inch circular target from short range or from beyond the arc. Although capable of going coast to coast at great speed, the weapon had one strange quirk: when launched out of Los Angeles, it landed back in Los Angeles.

So you see, there’s no reason to worry about the North Korean missile threat. I hear that their next rocket will have a creamy filling and be covered with chocolate. It will be called the Taepo-Ding-Dong.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 7th, 2006 at 2:48 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.