Beware Dragonnes
December 18th, 2006 at 11:31 am by CrankyDo you remember back in the Eighties there was a successful fantasy movie called Clash of the Titans? Here’s a quick recap through the haze of a fading memory. Harry Hamlin and his bronzed pecs re-enact highlights from Greek mythology. The effects were the absolute best for their time done by none other than Ray Harryhausen.
I know I could look this up on the Internet, but I’m having more fun winging it. The box office numbers were very good for the genre and that proved to be a double-edged sword (or a Pandora’s box if you want to be consistient).
From that movie, Hollywood let loose an unbroken stream of turds that could cause any geek swear off Renaissance Faires for the rest of his life.
Krull, Beastmaster and The Sword and the Sorcerer immediately come up like a Meximelt 10 minutes after ingestion.
Why do I force you down the dark part of Memory Lane? I do this to warn you and ask you a favor.
Unless you have a pre-teen son who insists, there is no good reason to see Eragon. In fact there are many good reasons just to take your son to a highway overpass and chuck bottles at the passers by. At least you’ll have a bonding experience and not feel you’ve wasted 90 minutes of your life.
Like “Titans” of so long ago, “The Lord of the Rings” appears to have spawned its first knockoff. Sure, just the title Eragon should have been a warning that flashed in my face, but I’m still a little naive to think that Hollywood couldn’t green light such a blatant rip-off.
Poor John Malkovich plays the Sauron dude who was once a Dragon Rider. he betrayed them a generation ago and set himself up a kingdom. His right-hand man is the stereotypical kill-one-henchman-to-show-the-others-just-how-serious-you-are-about-failure. Oh yeah, there is one key difference – he looks exactly like Grima Wormtongue.
The plot isn’t exactly theWar of the Rings. But it is Tolkien Lite. The good guys fight a mini Battle of Helms Deep complete with the dollar store version of the Uruk Hai.
The parts that don’t mimic TLOTR are just pure cliche. Is there a book for lazy filmwriters to just pull up standard characters and plot devices?
Eragon features the Feisty Princess, an Old Drunk who turns out to be The Lost Hero Broken from Years of Despair (a perfectly wasted Jeremy Irons) and of course, English accents that would make Renaissance Faire tourists blush.
I need you people do me a favor and not see it! Let’s send Hollywood a message that we don’t tolerate another rash sword and sorcery flicks.
ps Please don’t tell my son you read this. He couldn’t see my during the movie and thought it was pretty cool.
December 18th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
“Clash of the Titans”…WOW…there’s a blast from the past!! I remember my parents taking me to the Drive-In to see that!! Do they have Drive-In’s anymore???
December 18th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
I was working at the Drive-in when that came out. That makes you a kid, T-bone.
Last I saw every Drive-In in the San Jose, CA area was sold for very lucrative condo developments.
December 18th, 2006 at 2:59 pm
I won’t tell my son about your review either. We’re trying to get him interested in something other than DragonballZ comics, and I thought seeing the movie might make him want to read the books (written by a homeschooled kid when he was between the ages of 15 and 19 BTW). They looked like Tolkien knock-offs when I checked out the books last night, and they are no less of a read than LOTR. What I need is light sci-fi or fantasy fare for a bright 7 year old.
December 18th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
Do you mean I ripped apart a little home school kid? Dang, I am an IP.
My son really enjoyed the Bionicle series. Besides being a tie-in to Lego toys, the books have a whole fantasy world and culture built into them.
I’ll ask my 10yo if he can recommend any other good fantasy/sci-fi.
December 18th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
Would this movie have been any better with our Fiesty Republican Whore? Just askin’…
Weather probably has much to do with this, but there are still TWO drive in theatres in San Diego. I haven’t been in years, but when I was a teen, we used to take a pickup truck, cooler and BBQ (or some pizzas) and “tailgate” pre-movie. We’d set up lawn chairs in the back of the pickup to watch…or if we had chicks, the pickup bed would have blankets and sleeping bags.
Good times…
December 18th, 2006 at 7:22 pm
“(written by a homeschooled kid when he was between the ages of 15 and 19 BTW)”
yeah, i was gonna point that out. i haven’t read the book but it’d be interesting to compare it to the movie, to see if the base material was flawed or it was just hollywood doing its usual horrible, pitiable job.
December 18th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
OK, I didn’t know he was a kid. BACK OFF PEOPLE!
Look, if a grown up did it that would be shameful. But if little Timmy did this after reading the Hobbit, then who the am I to mock?
Excuse me, I’ll be jamming scissors into my eyes.
December 18th, 2006 at 7:53 pm
What in the flying hell are you people talking about?
December 18th, 2006 at 9:26 pm
A friend told me there was alot of the book left outof the movie, I haven’t read it. My 16 year old wants to see “Flags of Our Fathers” so he is reading that right now. He did the same for the Harry Potter and LOTR flicks. His choice…not mine. The kid is the way he is in spite of me…LOL
Cranky,
I think I was 8 or 9 when I saw Titans. So, I’m old I just feel young…sometimes…LOL
December 18th, 2006 at 9:32 pm
It’s just shameful if Preston Jr. hasn’t been introduced to fantasy adventure by his age. It would be like a kid never tossing around the old pigskin with his pa. Wait…uh…skip that. (Footballs make good pretend dragon eggs though for us LOTR geeks).
December 23rd, 2006 at 10:43 pm
And, of course, the classic “Hawk the Slayer”!