Date: April 30, 2007
Subject: May Day tomorrow
Dear glorious revolutionaries:
Hello, it is I, Lenin.
You might be wondering how it is that I come to write you this e-mail, since I am in Hell. Yes, it is true, I have been living here for the past 83 years, and let me tell you it is no picnic. If I have learned anything since being down here, it is this: the devil exists and he is a bitch.
But that is not why I am writing to you today.
Actually, it was my buddy Che, who sleeps in the cot next to me, who gave me the idea to write to you. (Truthfully, sleep is perhaps not the best word for what happens to us at night. Perhaps it might be better to describe it as unceasingly violent ass penetration by sadistic red imps wielding fiery diseased pitchforks. But again, I digress.)
So this morning, while Che and I performed our morning ablutions at the hot coal brazier, he said to me, “Comrade Vladimir, do you know what tomorrow is?”
To which I responded, “Of course I know what tomorrow is. It is May Day. I practically invented the thing, you fool.”
“Well Vlad,” he says, “staffing is going to be light, with all the parties and shit, so I think one of us should maybe sneak into the guard shack and see if we can get on the internet.”
“To what end?” I asked.
“It seems to me our comrades living in America have lost their way. They’ve forgotten what May Day is all about. I’m afraid they do not know how best to carry on with the work you and comrade Karl began so long ago.”
“Do not mention comrade Karl to me,” I interrupted. “He knows I saw him steal my tube of salve, and he’s been avoiding me like the plague.”
“Nevertheless, it would be good if we offered our American friends some guidance.”
This intrigued me. “What do you propose, comrade Che?”
And that is when he gave me the idea for this e-mail.
So it is that I, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, wish to address you members of the American Vanguard, especially: you teachers and professors, you labor leaders, you members of the press who have done such exemplary work, you mid level bureaucrats and petty politicians, and last but not least, you artists, philosophers, thespians, poets and singers too.
Tomorrow is May Day and the question is, what are you doing to bring about the communist revolution in your decadent country? What have you done to swell the ranks of the proletarian army? How are you transforming a nation of bourgeois sycophants into sickle-wielders? Ones who will overthrow and destroy your imperialist oppressors!
Here is what you should be doing:
First, build upon what you started last year, with your clever “immigrant rights” demonstrations. The hispanic immigrant is ripe for the picking (no pun intended). Get to him early, mold him, and he will become your army!
Teachers, be sly. Do not tell your students to walk out of class — tell them not to. Every kid wants to skip school. By making it taboo, they will want to do it even more. Just make sure there are organizers ready to funnel them into the march route. We do not want them going to the mall,
heaven hell forbid!
Ideally, May Day will become an annual event for immigrant kids. A hispanics-only version of senior ditch day. A new generation of kids will grow up anticipating their extra holiday, Primero de Mayo! Two holidays in one week, who would not love it? But make sure the propaganda accompanying this holiday is blatant and ever-present.
That is where you artists, philosophers, and performers come in. I want to see multilingual signs, bongos, puppets, dancing and flags waving! Whatever grievance you might have, put it on a sign. Do not worry about contradictory messages or even simple logic. Find creative ways to link immigrant oppression and worker oppression to anti-globalism and anti-war messages. Signs that mock your imperialist masters are best, but anti-establishment and anti-religious signs work well too. Basically anything that challenges the traditions and values that hold society together are a good idea. You must first destroy society before you can rebuild it into the proletarian utopia we all want.
Remember, these are impressionable minds we are working on. Protest everything. The children may not understand it all, but as through osmosis, they will absorb the primary message we must convey to them — that they are victims, and that the only means for their salvation is the rejection of everything they previously thought was right and good. The natural avenue for these new converts to our cause will be, of course, the Democratic Party. I would be remiss if I did not say thank you to the many hard working fellow travellers who have co-opted that once patriotic party into the ranks of International Communism.
Members of the press, your job is perhaps the most important of all. First, you should subtly publicize where the demostrations will be held, so that people will know where to go. Even more importantly, you must at all costs conceal every message at these various protests except only the most benign expressions. You should also vastly overstate the number of people in attendance. Your task is to portray these demonstrations as an inexorable force that ordinary capitalist Americans can neither halt nor deny. Their false consciousness will begin to break down as we sow the seeds of despair among them.
Good luck to you all tomorrow. I must go now. One of the new arrivals has been standing behind me for the last half hour, a college kid from the looks of him. He really wants to get on this computer and check out the MSNBC website, for some unholy reason. He is very impatient, and something tells me I should probably not piss him off.
Владимир Ильич Ленин