Secondhand Fat Kills!
July 26th, 2007 at 8:00 am by CrankyThis just in:
The large, federally funded study found that to be true even if your loved ones lived far away. Social ties seemed to play a surprisingly strong role, even more than genes are known to do.
Uh oh. Federally funded? Watch for PSAs in which sneering twentysomethings try to shame you out of your Biggie Fries.
Social ostracism is next – no Whoppers within any city, county or federal buildings.
But wait, isn’t it very un-pc to marginalize people based on their weight?
“There is a ton of research that suggest that having more friends makes you healthier,” Fowler said. “So the last thing that you want to do is get rid of any of your friends.”
Whew! Just in the nick of time. But do you really want to say that there’s a ton of research? It seems like bad form to me. Why not just say that the problem is as obvious as a flapping manboob? Friends should be as tight as your double-wide ass in a movie theater seat.
ps. Given the post below, you might think that Six Meat Buffet is anti-obesity. Nothing could be further from the truth. Four out of our six meats are very fatty.
July 26th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Dammit Cranky! You’re caudling the 5-XL Nation. Next thing you know, you’re glad-handing that 1200lb tijo de Guadalajara and calling him “su amigo mejor!” I’m not against people gorging themselves on shitty tri-glycerides, just as long as I don’t have to continue to absorb the beating in my healthcare insurance premiums because I happen to mix-in a salad every once-in-a-while.
July 26th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
hater.
July 26th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
You know I’m not anti-obesity, hell just look at all the fat-twats I’ve got.
July 26th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
That’s it, I’m downgrading ya’ll to acquaintances so I can lose some weight.
July 26th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Cranky,
Don’t sit next to me next weekend. I know you’re bringing a lawyer with you, (Yea, right…your brother-in-law) and I am overweight and I don’t want to get sued, especially by the pound.
(But at least I’m Kosher meat)
July 26th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
What’s next after fatty foods? After they’ve hauled the heads of Jack In the Box, McDonald’s and Pizza Hut in front of a Congressional Committee and they lie under oath about not knowing that their products lead to heart disease.
Warning labels, blue book laws? No chili fries before noon on Sunday. No Reese cups sold to children under 18. Federally licensed to buy partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and flour?
There’s always a “next”. I’d say a Masturbation Tax. That way the nosey jagoffs would regulate themselves out of existence.
July 26th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Dammit, Smantix, do you like posting here or not?
Now that you’ve suggested the Masturbation Tax, some loon will find it on Google, think it’s a good idea, and it’ll get passed.
Unable to afford the cost, Preston will be forced to fold the blog so he can still feed the family.
Hush it up!
July 26th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
If the Party of Trial Lawyers (Except Fred Thompson), is licking their chops at the prospect of taking on Big Fat, you have to know that they’ll be creaming in their jeans to take a toss at Big Jerk.
The Loss of Commiseration suit against The Internet alone could crash the e-conomy.
I do. But I’ve been too busy at work to really post on anything. Plus, I need a foil – something to rail against.
It’s like I’ve found inner peace. Who wants to read about how everything’s cool?
I can’t get worked up about Alberto Gonzalez and Ward Churchill.
July 26th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Big Jerk. Another classic.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Smantix has found inner peace? That’s a news story in itself.
July 27th, 2007 at 3:00 am
A masturbation tax would never pass in Washington.
They are all jerk-offs there.
July 27th, 2007 at 7:29 am
Feel free to try and piss me off. It’s been a few months since we had an Upbraid Smantix Invitational.
Personally, I don’t know if I could say anything that would send liberals off the rail right now more than that I’m doing just fine.