Celebrity news ain’t my thing but the chattering class is all atwitter over Lance Armstrong (36) giving Ashley Olsen (21) a personal behind-the-biker-pants tour.

Kinda like that old man in that book by Nabokov:

“Ashley Olsen has a new, older man. The 21-year-old twin showed up to the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night with Tory Burch’s ex, Lance Armstrong, 36. Our bar spy said: ‘They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.’”

First off, let’s congratulate Lance Armstrong again for having a poon calendar busier than a one-armed paper hanger and as a continuous inspiration to the uniballed and multi-balled alike.

Beating cancer, The Fronch, and the wisdom to dump a past-her-prime Sheryl Crow. Let’s just say it: The Globe Sessions were really the Runny-Eggs-Hanging-On-A-Rusty-Nail Session. Armstrong is standing tall in his albeit, lighter pocket.

I know I’m supposed to be offended. I don’t know why I’m supposed to be offended. Where were all these moral titans when a certain lecherous, married 58 year old with an odd-insertion fetish was moistening his cigars in an extramarital affair with a certain husky 22 year old? Better yet, when is that debate question going to hit Hillary like a sledgehammer between the eyes?

Is it the tv factor? People grew up watching the Olsen twins on Friday nights so they are forever 3 years old? Really?

Have E-True Hollywood Stories taught us nothing? Lovable kids grow up to screw Rick James. That’s what they do.

“Pick Me Up, Uncle Jesse” UPDATE:  Come on ya’ll.  She’s 21 years old it’s not like she’s getting any younger.

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