Four Strings Away From The Button
January 4th, 2008 at 5:50 pm by Johnny Walker Red
Greetings Meatheads! It is I, Johnny Walker Red, back from the motherf***n’ dead! Some of you may not remember me, but those of you who do will understand that I only break my self-imposed blogging retirement when something truly disastrous happens (for instance, Hurricane Katrina). Today, I have come back to say a few words about the latest national catastrophe: Mike Huckabee’s victory in Iowa.
Now I know many of you will assume that I am most distressed by Huckabee’s Evangelical-Socialist agenda, but you would be mistaken. No, dear readers, what frightens me the most about the Huck insurgency is NOT his policy positions or his religiosity. What frightens me the most is the possibility of a bass player in the White House!
Consider just a few things we will have to look forward to if this bottom-end buffoon plucks his way into the Oval Office:
• He will be the last person to show up and the first person to leave at every official Presidential function. He will seem conspicuously bored at all times. He will continually look at his watch and sigh.
• He will avoid many of his duties as President, claiming that his wife has something else she’s forcing him to do.
• At even the slightest hint that someone might listen, he will launch into a bass solo. Once begun, he will not stop, even if it clears the room.
• He is likely to make horrible and inexplicable sartorial choices.
• He could, at any time, develop “guitarist envy” and start playing a five- or even six-string bass. Who knows how many thousands of bassists around the world would feel emboldened by this? “Hey, if the President of the United States can play a six-string bass, then so can I!”
• When not gigging, he will complain about his money woes. When gigging, he will complain about the gig.
• If for some reason he decides to record with a band, he will be present in the studio only for the short time it takes to record his bass parts. He will not hear the tracks again until they are completed and mixed, at which point he will complain about how they sound. It is quite possible that major policy decisions will follow a similar process.
• He will chase more tail than Bill Clinton.
In closing, I think it is clear – in these turbulent times, the last thing our great nation needs is a bass player in the White House.
January 4th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
The bassist for Dream Theater often plays a 6-stringer and also has a custom 7-stringer!
January 4th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
i should like him because huck cites john entwistle as an influence. fortunately, i’ve done enough church gigs in my life to know a baptist preacher is no kind of man to occupy the oval office. sometimes, you just can’t turn the other cheek or extend an olive branch.
besides, he’s from arkansas. i’d rather elect Jim Dandy!!
January 4th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
We need to lower your threshold for “truly disastrous” JWR.
Now that Baby Jesus’s Rhythm Section is going on a nationwide tour, everyday can be a Hucktastrophe.
I will vote for Huckles if he does a cover of Faith + 1’s “Body of Christ”. “Body of Christ” or this.
January 5th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I think it’s safe to say that Richard will not be joining bass players for Suckabee.
The worst part of all of this, is that no matter who wins in 2008, be it Osama Bin Obama or Suckabee, they’ll both be putting the IRS’ bloodhounds on all the staffers at the Buffet, so get ready.
On the bright side, Iowa doesn’t mean shit. The best thing to ever come out of Iowa was an empty Greyhound Bus. Excluding Iowahawk, of course.
Fungus, the bassist for dream theater should be locked up.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Certainly you are the expert, but I always thought the prima-donna of the band was the lead vocalist.
Thanks for the edumucashun. And, of course, good to see you again.
January 5th, 2008 at 11:17 am
cranky,
lead singers, guitarists and drummers are the big assholes of the band, indeed. (and in that order).
we bass players just stand in the shadows and kvetch with the keyboardists about how it should be done.
January 5th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Yeah, well at least he doesn’t play a 4-tonged Jew’s Harp.
January 5th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
One of my favorite love slaves from many years ago….
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SvtzHxr-7g8&feature=related
“We’re all singing, I have the mouth.”
Bass does not speak to me.
Well unless this naughty knave is playing it.
http://i.realone.com/assets/rn/img/2/3/0/7/7037032.jpg
Mr. Huckabee wears his pants too high.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Y’all head over to WofA’s site now…she’s got a GREAT post up with loads of potential for tubing:
http://womanofabomination.blogspot.com/2008/01/mmmmmm.html
January 6th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
“• He will chase more tail than Bill Clinton.”
If by this, you ACTUALLY mean “[...]than Mark Foley,” then I totally agree. Bassists are so gay. Ours just sits in the party room every week and talks about his own junk. Nay, he SINGS about his own junk. How gay is that?
January 7th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
“Nay, he SINGS about his own junk. How gay is that?”
It’s gay to say “Nay”.