As if the global recession, rising fuel prices, and the forthcoming Darfur World Racism Pogrom weren’t enough, the looming oceanographic gang war threatens to keep our nation’s shorelines awash in blood this summer. Break yourself, fool:

Film taken of gangs of dolphins repeatedly ramming baby porpoises, tossing them in the air and pursuing them to the death has solved a long-term mystery of what causes the death of so many of these harmless mammals – but has left animal experts baffled as to the motive.

[...]

Another mystery is that the animal ‘murders’ have only been reported in two parts of the world - along Scotland’s East Coast and in America off the beaches of Virginia…

It’s obvious to this observer that the Out-Of-Stream Media (OSM) will ignore the abundant evidence (like they always do to push their narrative) that the CIA has been distributing rock cocaine to the Aqua-American community to fund their clandestine war against the mudskipper. I mean when was the last time you saw a positive aquatic role model on television? Think about it.

Couple this with man’s gentrification of our coastal waterways and the ensuing turf war that is likely fueling this most recent spike in mammal-on-mammal mayhem and we’re crossing into genocide territory.

The two groups of biologists pooled information and, at first, it was believed the mammals had died through ‘blast trauma’. In American cases, this was supposedly from exercises by the US Navy, and in Scotland from air guns used by oil rig technicians to detect undersea caverns.

This theory was dismissed after further examination of the mammals’ bodies revealed the injuries – broken ribs, imploding lungs, damaged livers and massive internal bleeding – could only have come from prolonged, focused attacks.

Like Guantanamo.

‘Blast Trauma’ Caught On Tape: Straight highsidin’, yo

A likely excuse. Everybody who reads the news knows that our military produces murderous hobos. How can we rule out the possibility that they don’t engage in “sail-bys” and swing out the ass-end of their Humvees to run over dolphins? I’m not ruling anything out with this bunch.

Marine experts now believe that these displays of attacks on non-rival, non-predatory, peace-loving porpoises and, more shockingly, of dolphin infanticide, may have always taken place.

It is only now, with dolphins’ more human-friendly behaviour taking them closer to tourist boats and beaches, that the violence is being witnessed first hand. Until the shocking realisation, dolphin-watchers in America had believed they were watching the mammals at play with their young.

For Christ’s sake. Does Our Way ™ have to be everybody’s way? Embrace a little diversity here, people. What right does our government or our “marine experts” have to tell this aggrieved minority how to raise their children?

“It was, Oh my God!, the animals I’ve been studying for the last 10 years are killing these porpoises.”

Theories abound on the reason behind the mammal murders. These have included territorial clashes and feuds over food resources. But food is not in short supply and the victims are not just chased away but pursued to the death.

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But as the experts of the Cetacean Research and Rescue Unit are forced to declare: “These killings represent yet another example of the hard brutality and evolutionary pressures of the marine world.”

Word.

Tiberius “Squeaky” Jefferson of the Reef Side Rollin’ 60s – honorably discharged former lieutenant of the 101st Aquaborne and recipient of the Coral Cross for Valor.

Nobody’s got the guts to mention it – not even the NY Times – but I will: In all likelihood, these dolphins are our veterans too. Let down by the Bush Administration and their handling of the war and Hurricane Katrina.

1.20.09 – eyes on the prize.

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