Dear Fred,

It’s been almost a week since we’ve talked. It seems like just yesterday we were experiencing the ups and downs of that rollercoaster ride on the way to the Presidency. Eatin’ funnel cake. Getting sick on the Tilt-A-Whirl. Admiring the unbowing tenacity of your Prescription Strength Super Poli-Grip denture cream as you tried to eat that candied apple.

We punched the hippie so we’d both have enough tickets to get on the Gravitron but when we turned around – you were gone.

And now we’re getting The Silent Treatment. I thought we had something.

Not cool man. Are you seeing someone else? Is it John McCain? I can understand why you’d want to hide something like that. It’s nothing to be proud of. After all, he got an endorsement from the New York Times. That’s like being caught giving Michael Moore mouth-to-mouth at Cannes when he’s receiving the Palm d’Or.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that most of us are grown-ups here and any Hollywood script writer can tell you – “we need closure”.

Just checking in to see how you’re doing. But if you can’t break the chains of those tactical commandos that abducted you at gunpoint and left you gagged in a Phoenix area basement could you at least send Jeri out in a short skirt and a long jacket to pat my hand and tell me that it’s gonna be ok.

Still waiting,

McMurph

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