When my daughter asked me about chemtrails because her Geography teacher discussed them in class, I just knew we were in for a fun semester.

Sure, he spends his time filling their heads with ozone depletion, de-forestation and other eco-horror stories, but this was the crossover into tinfoil territory.

It has been a terrific “teachable moment” in the ways to identify dangerous fringe thinking.

Also, the Princess noticed that teacher never actually reads the completed homework assignments. This has been great fun in her “Wednesday Paper” where she re-hashes the notes taken that week.

What follows is the ACTUAL paper she turned in today. I know I’m shamelessly plugging my progeny, but read it all.

See if you can identify which lunacy comes from my daughter and which from the teacher.

1. Rainforests are big and large. Rainforests are not small. They take up a lot of space. They used to take up more space than they do, but they are shrinking a lot because people are cutting them down. That is bad. Bill thinks that is shameful. If you’re unsure of whom Bill is, see fact number three. Rainforests have plants that can heal diseases that are bad. If we cut down rainforests, we are killing the plants that may have potential cures.

2. In 20 years water needs will increase by 40% because of our population increase. One fourth of people don’t have fresh drinking water. Not only do some people not have fresh drinking water, but some people don’t even have enough to live. Seven children die every minute because of unhealthy drinking water.

3. A lot of land is used for growing food. Growing food takes up lots of space. Americans take up lots of space when they grow their food. Food is important to live. And, it takes up lots of space. If I had a monkey, I’d name him Bill. Bill wouldn’t take up that much space, he’s a nice monkey. Bill has a very small ecological footprint because he recycles his own waste.

4. Vegetarians take up even a smaller footprint than Bill. Americans are really bad about their footprints. We take up 12-18 acres for each American to grow their own food. If we divided the world up equally, each person would only need 6 acres. Unfortunately, we don’t do that. New York has lots of people every square mile. While in Kentucky, individuals own 16 acres just for their house. Bill only owns his small hut in Hawaii living off coconuts and tropical fruit.

5. Nitrates are very dangerous. Bill ate one once…whoops. They are harmful when they get in our water. Nitrates can flow from people’s yards when they water them. They get into our ocean which is really, really bad. When Bill ate a nitrate, he pooped radioactive goop every night for a week. Not pretty.

6. In New Jersey, some people do reverse-omosis, which means to desalinate or decontaminate the water. Bill is a very economical monkey. His hut only takes up four square feet. Once a week, he has a Bible study with his monkey friends in the jungle. It is ten times more expensive to clean up nitrates in the water than to prevent getting them in the water.

7. Henry Kissinger was the Secretary of State when Richard Nixon was president. Everyone thought he was great and beautiful, just like Bill. Until a reporter caught him on tape saying that hungry, poor people were useless feeders that take up space. How rude. Bill would never do that even though he’s not considered the wealthiest monkey around town.

8. An ecological footprint is the amount of land it takes for you to live on. Bill’s ecological footprint is very small. He lives off of pure coconut milk. Americans ecological footprints can be awfully big, especially when your shoe size is as big as Shaq O’Neal. You can reduce your ecological footprint by not using as much food, water or money per day.

9. Mr. O’Connell doesn’t shave his face everyday because it saves water, money and razor blades. He is proud of his very small ecological footprint. Most Americans don’t believe that a seemingly small contribution can make such a big difference in our world. Bill makes lots of differences everyday. He doesn’t take showers. He baths in the ocean. How refreshing!

10. The study of variations in the distribution in the human growth is called population geography. Bill’s favorite food is bananas with whip cream. Although he is very conscious that whip cream bottles emit CFC’s into our atmosphere, which is why he uses them sparingly. In New York, 20,000 people can live per square mile. Usually there are 77 people per square mile, which is good.

I am helping the environment by recycling last Saturday with my family. We recycled boxes, magazines, bottles and cans. It was very helpful to the environment because we prevented lot of hazardous waste flowing into the oceans, which means we would be drinking bad water. I am such a good person. In fact, I’m the best person I know. JK

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