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Preston Taylor Holmes
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Philadelphia, PA

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Nashville, TN

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San Diego, CA

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The O.C., California

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Archive for January, 2009



Heckuva Job, Brownie

January 31st, 2009 at 10:08 pm by Brian

An anxious nation teeters on the edge of race war this evening as evidence is beginning to mount that the Obama administration blew up the electrical transformers to freeze millions of Red State voters to death for not supporting him.  As we speak, five eight days later (!)  FEMA has yet to make an appearance while people stand huddled next to trash can fires using only the dead bodies of their children for kindling, raping babies, and resorting to cannibalism inside the feces-strewn auditorium of Murray State University.

While the characteristically racist Obama has been busy making sure his thermostat is set to a toasty 72 degrees, Hollywood has rallied to fill the void by posting dozens of “Me Too!” Youtube clips to raise awareness and getting Kanye West to headline an event to raise money for those literally left out in the cold.

“Sh*t ain’t right!”, exclaimed Mr. West.  “We cannot let our fellow former slaveholding Cracker-Americans freeze today in cold  silence.  Barack Obama don’t care about white people.”

Spike Lee has already chartered his private jet from Bed-Stuy International Airport and bought all the film in Brooklyn to document his 4 part, 12 hour series on the unconscionable ineptitude of Barack Obama in handling this American Tragedy leaving the low-income residents of Kentucky to die at the shivering hands of his incompetence.

So far, 42 people have died as of this writing but who knows where that number will stop?  For people living on life support or the elderly who don’t have anyone checking up on them, the death toll could climb into the thousands or even hundreds of millions while some of America’s President plays with the thermostat and eats his wagyu steak.

When reached for “comment”, Ashton Kutcher flopped his muss of hair to one side and began taking deeply personal, sepia-toned pictures of ice cube trays with his Nikon Coolpix while begging his mother…er, I mean his wife to put them up on the refrigerator.

Cold white people?  Is that all?  I’m flinty and from Chicago.  Can you not see I’m trying to eat my waffle here – do you mind?

Unconscionable Ineptitude

Unconscionable Ineptitude

Seeing as how the “Let Them Eat Snowcones” Media is doing their Snuggie Job to insulate Flinty McToastytits from his Presidential responsibilities, I have no choice but to tug at his heartstrings to get federal intervention:

save-lootie1

Save Lootie!

Sir, not only is this man’s stolen beer going to freeze – he’s not even going to be able to watch the Super Bowl on his stolen tv tomorrow! Now get to work.

(ed. – And it also looks like Lootie is about to get run over by the SUV that caused this Global Warming in the first place.  Must save Lootie!)

Change Management Or All Holes Filled With Hard Diplomacy

January 31st, 2009 at 1:01 pm by Brian

Last member of the Members’ Only Jacket club and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad  issued a statement through his spokesman earlier today to rebuke his subordinate, President Barack Hussein As-Salaam Alaikum Mohammed Suleyman Obama (D – Earth), for offering to join the Axis of Sexy meet without preconditions:

“This request means Western ideology has become passive, that capitalist thought and the system of domination have failed,” Gholam Hossein Elham was quoted as saying by the Mehr news agency.

“Negotiation is secondary, the main issue is that there is no way but for (the United States) to change,” he added.

“Then change we will!”, said Obama spokesperson Robert Gibbs. “Change is our business and business is good.”

In response, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad launched a fresh tirade against the United States, demanding an apology for its “crimes” against Iran and saying he expected “deep and fundamental” change from Obama.

Gibbs added, “You say ‘change” and all I ask is how deep?  Two fingers at Camp David?  A fist?  No holes barred?  I am deeply and fundamentally at your command, sexually speaking.  Give my piece a chance.  That’s all I’m asking.”

Iran denies any plans to build the bomb and insists its nuclear programme is solely aimed at peaceful ends.

“I know I speak for President Islamobama when I say that when your programme is aimed at our peaceful ends then we  will finally be in a comfortable position to face the nuclear payload of your negotiations from a position of mutual respect rather than the donkey punch diplomacy stubbornly pursued by the miserable failure of the BushCo gangbangers.”, Gibbs acquiesced.  “You unclench your fists and we’ll extend our throats.”

Watch where you're pointing that thing!

Watch where you're pointing that thing!

Better Luck Next Time

January 30th, 2009 at 11:19 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Your Friday night comedy hour, courtesy of those wacky clowns over in Gaza – they are burning up with the desire to entertain you!

First The Economy, Then Self Defense

January 29th, 2009 at 10:27 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Now that the new administration has taken about a week to destroy the free market, their next goal will be to disarm you to make damn sure you can’t defend yourself as the country spirals into chaos in the wake of the coming depression.


Can’t You Be Sued For This?

January 29th, 2009 at 10:03 am by Cranky

I have not watched MadTV since their first season. Had I known that they were this un-PC, I may have watched them more. I don’t think SNL has been this irreverent since the 70s.

 

 

Now if only they could bring David Herman back.

Yo Ass Better Call Somebody

January 28th, 2009 at 11:12 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

You may or may not be paying attention, but President Hussein trotted his posse over to the U.S. House yesterday and reminded the House GOP that he is the Chosen One™ and that they need to do what he say… do what he say! (apologies to Cleavon Little)

Unfortunately, because the GOP has largely abandoned conservatism and gotten its ass kicked in the last two elections, the House GOP has no stroke, but at least it looks like they’ll fight it as much as they can. They’re still making me want to puke with this “new tone” garbage.

Those comments marked a softer tone from Tuesday morning when Boehner and other Republican leaders tried to head off Obama’s lobbying efforts by calling on Republicans to oppose the stimulus plan even before the president had met with them.

But Republicans came out of their meeting with Obama full of praise for his willingness to listen to them. And in the evening, Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel invited a group of Republican congressmen to a White House sit-down.

In addition, Obama leaned on Democratic leaders to withdraw two elements of the stimulus bill that had been ridiculed by Republicans: an expansion of family planning funds for poor families and $200 million to resod the National Mall in Washington.

Those gestures haven’t translated into votes by House Republicans, who applaud the bill’s $300 billion in budget cuts, but object to much of the $500 billion meant to be spent on public works projects.

“What we’re concerned about, some of the spending in this bill has nothing to do with creating jobs or preserving jobs,” Boehner told “GMA.”

I called my Congressman’s office (Jimmy Duncan), and they assured me that he was a “no” vote. I encourage all of you to do the same – even if they’re already voting against this pile of shit, you should let them know that you appreciate them and that they need to keep standing up against President Hussein’s march to socialism.

More importantly, this gigantic shit pie will be heading over to the Senate, where the GOP couldn’t find it’s backbone with two hands and a road map. I called Lamar Alexander’s offices in D.C. and Knoxville this morning – and in traditional milquetoast fashion, he hasn’t decided yet. I’m hopeful that his vote against tax cheat Tim Geithner is a sign of a willingness to fight, but he’s been quick to lay down in the past, so we’ll see.

Ironically, Senator Corker’s office says that he is a “no” vote on the stimulus package “in its current form”. So be watching as they make some minor change that Corker can use to claim that it is now palatable and will be a great help to the economy. It’s funny how once great businessmen like Corker lose all their knowledge and experience in private industry as soon as the lobbyists start their regular visits.

The reality of the situation is this – we must have the Senate GOP stand up against our new Marxist executive branch and fight for the limited government and free market principles that they have abandoned. If they can somehow find their spine, that would truly be hopeandchange.

Call, fax and e-mail your Senators now. If, for some reason, you don’t know who your Senators are, you can start here.

Dirty, Dirty Media Love

January 26th, 2009 at 11:18 pm by Cranky

It seems that in advance of Bernard Goldberg’s new book, A Slobbering Love Affair: The True (and Pathetic) Story of the Torrid Romance Between Barack Obama and the Mainstream Media, other publishers are looking to cash in.

That sick feeling you get when you watch the news? It isn’t you.

 

 

 

 
Only for the strong of heart.
(more…)

Fun with Movie Cliches

January 26th, 2009 at 4:08 pm by Cranky

Check out these twin posts about Hollywood’s favorite cliches. It’s kind of fun to see someone calling out what you might have taken for granted.

For example, didja know that

corporations are Capital “E” Evil and run by evil business people. Did I say evil? Yes, eeeeevvvvil! The CEOs are usually old white men, unless the hero of the story is female. Then the CEO’s a ruthless hot chick and the corporation is always planning to poison or kill their customers with their product, which they expect to make them rich. Bwa ha ha!!!!

I’ve added a couple of my own. Are there any that you’ve spotted?

A Christian is a hypocrite or fiend unless he’s African American, then it’s cool but only if he sings “safe” hymns in church.

Just once, I want to see a sooper-high-ranking general not trying to get his own people killed when they get too close to the Truth. Maybe instead, he tells his UN commander, “to hell with you, I’m going to intervene in that massacre!”

Movies about tortured Civil War veterans who massacre Indians and eventually find redemption selling Tupperware or something.

Liberal Fascism

January 25th, 2009 at 4:19 pm by Cranky

So when we last left off, we were discussing Jonah Goldberg’s Liberal Fascism. I’ve covered some of the themes that jumped out at me here and here and will wrap it up now.

With Preston’s permission, we may start a Six Meat Buffet Book Club. Any of you Buffet fan(s) interested?

(more…)

If Real People Acted Like Politicians

January 24th, 2009 at 5:00 pm by Cranky

Tuesday, 8 am

Daughter: Dad, could you pass the butter?

Dad: Listen sweetie, I asked you to pass the sugar three times. You want the [deleted] butter? You pass the [deleted] sugar. That’s how it works in this household.

Daughter: [Mutters unintelligibly and shoves sugar bowl across table]

Mom: Oh, I just remembered. Verizon called again. They say the check you said you sent them still hasn’t arrived yet. If they don’t get the check by the end of this month, they’ll cut off the phone service.

Dad: Cut me off? Cut ME off? If those [deleted]suckers are trying to censor my right to free speech, they won’t get a nickel from me. Forget them. I’m switching to AT&T.

Mom: AT&T terminated our service three months ago.

Dad: That’s it, I’m calling ActionNews. [Dials ActionNews 800 ConsumerWatch™ Hotline] Hello? Yeah, listen the phone company is threatening to cut off my phone service in the dead of winter. It wouldn’t be so bad, except that my wife is in third-stage kidney failure and we’re waiting for the call from the hospital.

Daughter: Dad, could you PLEASE just pass the butter?

Tuesday 6:45 pm

Mom: I swear I had $45.00 in my purse. Hon, have you seen it?

Dad: I didn’t take it.

Mom: I didn’t say you did. Say, when did that marble statue of you get here? No way that is staying in the living room. Did you just buy this?

Dad: What the [deleted] is this? You remind me of that scene in that movie where that guy is being beaten and harrassed by people and he says, “forgive them father, they know not what they do”.

Mom: The Passion of the Christ?

Dad: Yeah.

Mom: So I’m guessing you have no idea where the money in my wallet went?

Dad: I didn’t take it! And listen, I’ll need $150 more to pay the delivery charges on my monument.

Omarosa Obama Likes to What??

January 23rd, 2009 at 10:39 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

My only question is which one is on the receiving end?

I guess I’m going to have to quit calling her Omarosa and call her Knuckles.

h/t Chris

Next Time You’re In Prague

January 23rd, 2009 at 11:05 am by Cranky

… check out the Museum of Communism. The ads may be misleading but they have a distinctly capitalist brilliance about them.

No Seat For You

January 22nd, 2009 at 10:12 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

I’m not really surprised that the trust fund baby didn’t get the NY Senate seat, but I am a little surprised. It would have been fun to watch. She could stammer around on the Senate floor saying “You know…” over and over again. In fact, she could have meetings with the Obamessiah and it would go something like this:

Obamessiah: Uh…. uhhh… um….

Kennedy: You know… um… you know….

Obamessiah: Uh…….. uh uhh uuuuuuh … Change!

Kennedy: You know… Uh….. You know…. Policy…. uh….I’m a Kennedy, you know? You know…

It would be fascinating.

But mostly, she just reminds me of Katherine Ross from the Graduate, if Ross had been attacked by Indonesian muslims who threw acid on her face. Yeah, I know, that’s a little harsh. Blame the bourbon.

You Don’t Know Whether to Laugh or Vomit Uncontrollably

January 22nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm by Cranky
Yi Zhao, 57, slipped and fell in his bathroom impaling his left eye on the faucet at his home.

And then, as they say, hilarity ensues.

He was taken to Daping Hospital, where staff called a plumber to try and make the pipe small enough to fit him in a CAT scan machine.

If it didn’t have a happy ending, I wouldn’t have posted it, because you know, we’re much more classy than that.

Iowahawk’s Odessey

January 22nd, 2009 at 1:17 pm by Cranky

Shucks, that boy can write.

Teaser:

Book the Fifth: Obamacles and Victimia

Having withstood the scorching blasts of the monster Jeremiad at Chicago,
Harvard Law proved no challenge for our hero; he was named beloved of the faculty,
For at the Isle of Harvard they eat that “community organizer” shit right up.
He returned to the Isle of Chicago with his magic Harvard talisman,
Small of heft but able to open any door.

Payback

January 21st, 2009 at 8:52 pm by Cranky

The last thing an enlightened lefty wants to be called is “religious”. Obviously, religion is for the weak, for those who follow unquestioningly and the ignorant.

For once I agree.

Behold the faithful and tell me if the Republic is going to fall to a theocracy.

 

 

obama_bumper_idol

 

 

obama_bumper_messiah

America Held Hostage: Day 2

January 21st, 2009 at 7:36 am by Brian

And the media’s embarrassing and overt public displays of affection will not be denied.  When you catch dogs like this you throw a bucket of water on them (just keep refreshing Newsbusters):

Offering the most hyperbolic take of the night on the crowds who attended President Obama’s inauguration, on World News ABC’s Bill Weir delighted in wondering “can national pride make a freezing day feel warmer?” He decided it can indeed since “never have so many people shivered so long with such joy” while “from above, even the seagulls must have been awed by the blanket of humanity.” Weir was certainly awed.

*puke*

He’s still not going to call on you if he thinks you have a tough question no matter how much of his guilt is running down your chin.

I feel perverted for having had to watch any of this.  It’s like ogling two people making out in public.  I’d say to get a room if I weren’t positive that the Old Monica Media has already donned their bluest dress booked reservations under the desk in the Oval Office.

I Like Cheney’s Way Better

January 21st, 2009 at 7:22 am by Brian

the-face

Rahm Emanuel was freed from the padded bunker where he and Joe Biden have been hidden for the past two months to deliver his own stirring inaugural address (as seen above).

As Cheney might say, “Big Time”.

Check out the little girl’s face in the background.

(thong snap to Lloyd over at Sondra’s).

Hopenchangend: Quote of the Day

January 20th, 2009 at 9:28 pm by Brian

“President Obama swiftly responded to Hurricane Katrina.”

Amazing that I cannot recall a time when Barack “The One and Done” Obama was not and would not always be (p)Resident.

Like When James Washington crossed the Mississippi to attack the hessians using the subterfuge of the Martin Luther King holiday to free our nation from divisive tyranny of South Africa’s white minority regime. Thanks Democrat run school boards.

President Obama will keep the broken promises made by President Bush to rebuild New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. He and Vice President Biden will take steps to ensure that the federal government will never again allow such catastrophic failures in emergency planning and response to occur.

That would be the separation of powers between state governments and the federal government.

President Obama swiftly responded to Hurricane Katrina. Citing the Bush Administration’s “unconscionable ineptitude” in responding to Hurricane Katrina, then-Senator Obama introduced legislation requiring disaster planners to take into account the specific needs of low-income hurricane victims.

This is from the new White House.gov official site (h/t Drew M.)

My offer to participate in the mandatory group hug of Three Term ChangeyHopeyUnity has officially been rescinded.

I’d like to think all the right-leaning folks who keep imploring everyone to be gracious losers would do well to remember Vince Lombardi’s famous “you show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser” maxim. Were your opportunistic kumbaya appeals to just get-along-until-he-gives-you-a-reason-to-not-get-along not so transparent I’d think your heads have been squeezed fact-free from fatal assphyxiation.

These people don’t deserve respect or a moment’s rest because, as sure as the hell they came from and will return to upon their not-soon-enough deaths, aren’t going to give it to you in return. As evidenced by The White House’s own website now.

So much for that National Day of Reconciliation bullshit.

Hope, Change and Infanticide!

January 20th, 2009 at 4:52 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

In stark contrast to the death-cult philosophy of the left, former President Bush proclaimed January 15 “National Sanctity of Life Day”. Here is the thrust of the proclamation:

All human life is a gift from our Creator that is sacred, unique, and worthy of protection. On National Sanctity of Human Life Day, our country recognizes that each person, including every person waiting to be born, has a special place and purpose in this world. We also underscore our dedication to heeding this message of conscience by speaking up for the weak and voiceless among us.

The most basic duty of government is to protect the life of the innocent. My Administration has been committed to building a culture of life by vigorously promoting adoption and parental notification laws, opposing Federal funding for abortions overseas, encouraging teen abstinence, and funding crisis pregnancy programs. In 2002, I was honored to sign into law the Born-Alive Infants Protection Act, which extends legal protection to children who survive an abortion attempt. I signed legislation in 2003 to ban the cruel practice of partial-birth abortion, and that law represents our commitment to building a culture of life in America. Also, I was proud to sign the Unborn Victims of Violence Act of 2004, which allows authorities to charge a person who causes death or injury to a child in the womb with a separate offense in addition to any charges relating to the mother.

America is a caring Nation, and our values should guide us as we harness the gifts of science. In our zeal for new treatments and cures, we must never abandon our fundamental morals. We can achieve the great breakthroughs we all seek with reverence for the gift of life.

We all know how President Hussein feels about those little punishments that are often running around the country club and making him spill his arugula or bouncing around the diner interrupting his waffle.

The original press release was on the White House website here. Don’t bother clicking on that though, because you’ll get a “page not found”.

The nice people who work for President Hussein assured me that it was just probably moved since they apparently redesigned the entire site in the last 24 hours. So I did a search, because, why would they lie to me?

No dice. Thanks to the socialists at Google, we still have the cached version of the original page.

You have to wonder what it is about the proclamation that troubles President Hussein’s people so. Is it the mention of a “Creator”? I can see him having trouble deciding between allah, Marx and Che, but surely that’s not it. Is it all those pesky infants that might make it out of the hospitals without being put through Margaret Sanger’s infant eugenics regimen? I suppose we’ll find out over the next four (please, only four!) years.

If ever there was a time to pray for our leaders it is now. I’m praying that they are unable to put their sick agendas into action.

h/t Tanya

Liberal Fascism – Terms and Context

January 19th, 2009 at 2:23 pm by Cranky

As mentioned in an earlier post, I’m working my way Jonah Goldberg’s Liberal Fascism.

I’ve gotten so much out of reading it, that I’m doing a series of posts on it. I’m also narcissistic enough to believe that you want to know what I think.
(more…)

Bush Pardons Two Border Agents

January 19th, 2009 at 1:04 pm by Cranky

Breaking on Fox News now.

Update: AP link.

Finally, Bush makes a pardon that actually has something to do with right and wrong (rather than cash and connections).

Not technically a pardon, but their sentence has been commutted.

Here’s the background.

Poor Lincoln’s Ghost

January 19th, 2009 at 10:31 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

My guess is that even Honest Abe’s ghost has thrown up in its mouth a little from this inaugural buttlicking that the media has been laying on the Obamessiah. All this fake unity reminds me of one of the stupider conversations I had recently with one of the big dogs at my company.

Out of the blue, this person said “Well, I didn’t vote for the guy, but I guess we all need to get behind him.” To which I said, “we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one.”

There is no moral or societal requirement for me to “get behind” this egomaniacal socialist. As long as he is attempting to enact the agenda which littered his pretty speeches like so much garbage, I will oppose him.

His economic agenda is going to enslave my kids and my grandkids with even more mountains of debt and insane tax rates – not to mention the potential (and intentional) destruction of the free market system that has provided real opportunity for generations of Americans who were willing to work.

His foreign policy agenda is going to result in more capitulation to third-world countries and the weakening of our military. At a time in history when the survival of the civilized world is threatened by islamic barbarians, this douchebag wants to turn our future and security over to the bureaucrats and rapists at the U.N. and do his best to appear neutral. This is unacceptable.

His social agenda is going to result in continued and expanded infanticide (sanitized neatly as “choice”), the further erosion of our freedoms – the First and Second Amendments will be the first to go, and the advancement of even more leftist social experimentation through the Federal courts. The fact is, this guy is a petty Chicago thug with serious Marxist leanings who is going to try and push the Obama/Ayers/Wright agenda through the system and he’s got the Old Media on his staff working to help him do it.

It’s no wonder he keeps trying to pay homage to Lincoln. Lincoln was almost as big on massive Federal dictatorship as the Obamessiah appears to be. Will of the people? States’ rights? No time for that when there progressive ideals to push down the throats of the proletariat.

So unless the Obamessiah does a complete turn-around and becomes a pro-American, pro-capitalist believer in small government who values the sanctity of human life and individual liberty, you won’t find any unity happy talk here. Well, maybe from Cranky, but not from me. (I keed, I keed, Cranky)

Sneak Peak! Spidey/Obama Comics Episode 2

January 16th, 2009 at 8:00 pm by Cranky

Bumped & Updated II
Here is Spidey vs Obamatron as it was meant to be.

A teaser:

This will be a collectible fer sure!










Update:
If you liked this comic, then it was inspired by the conservative comic Genius, Jim Treacher.* He is doing well in the Best Humor blog category and could use your vote. Once taken for dead, Treacher blazed back when this whole Palin thing became news.

* If not, then please disregard. I did this myself while huffing nail polish.

A Farewell to Tinfoil

January 16th, 2009 at 7:41 pm by Cranky

Well, end of an era and all that, eh? Obama is going to have an inauguration somewhere between a Romanov coronation and an Up With People concert in scope. Chris Matthews leg will be there on full vibrate mode and a whole host of journalists will, from that day on, prefer to be called “disciples”.

Completely absent from the din will be true fact that President Bush will leave office. That’s right, his term will have ended and he will have left office with the Republic still intact. Exit stage right. Farewell. That’s all she wrote. You get the picture.

Forgotten will be all the bedwetting and hysteria of our friends on the Left. Before the afterglow fades, let’s reflect on these prophets.

First, the sublime.

The Bush Junta has quietly “tooled up” to utilize the U.S. military in engaging American dissidents after the next big crisis, with a frightening and overlooked piece of legislation that was passed alongside the Military Commissions Act, which greases the skids for armed confrontation and abolishes posse comitatus.

Open the detention camps, Hitler is dead!!

Next, the ridiculous:

Vidal writes: ‘We still don’t know by whom we were struck that infamous Tuesday, or for what true purpose. But it is fairly plain to many civil libertarians that 9/11 put paid not only to much of our fragile Bill of Rights but also to our once-envied system of government which had taken a mortal blow the previous year when the Supreme Court did a little dance in 5/4 time and replaced a popularly elected President with the oil and gas Bush-Cheney junta.’

Vidal argues that the real motive for the Afghanistan war was to control the gateway to Eurasia and Central Asia’s energy riches. He quotes extensively from a 1997 analysis of the region by Zgibniew Brzezinski, formerly national security adviser to President Carter, in support of this theory. But, Vidal argues, US administrations, both Democrat and Republican, were aware that the American public would resist any war in Afghanistan without a truly massive and widely perceived external threat.

Wasn’t Gore Vidal famous or something?

This one has video too!

George W. Bush has the power to suspend the elections and declare nationwide martial law once this economic crisis worsens. Research the federal reserve and the real reasons behind this economic collapse. Research PDD51 and George Bush’s new dictatorial powers

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhh!

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