An anxious nation teeters on the edge of race war this evening as evidence is beginning to mount that the Obama administration blew up the electrical transformers to freeze millions of Red State voters to death for not supporting him. As we speak, five eight days later (!) FEMA has yet to make an appearance while people stand huddled next to trash can fires using only the dead bodies of their children for kindling, raping babies, and resorting to cannibalism inside the feces-strewn auditorium of Murray State University.
While the characteristically racist Obama has been busy making sure his thermostat is set to a toasty 72 degrees, Hollywood has rallied to fill the void by posting dozens of “Me Too!” Youtube clips to raise awareness and getting Kanye West to headline an event to raise money for those literally left out in the cold.
“Sh*t ain’t right!”, exclaimed Mr. West. “We cannot let our fellow former slaveholding Cracker-Americans freeze today in cold silence. Barack Obama don’t care about white people.”
Spike Lee has already chartered his private jet from Bed-Stuy International Airport and bought all the film in Brooklyn to document his 4 part, 12 hour series on the unconscionable ineptitude of Barack Obama in handling this American Tragedy leaving the low-income residents of Kentucky to die at the shivering hands of his incompetence.
So far, 42 people have died as of this writing but who knows where that number will stop? For people living on life support or the elderly who don’t have anyone checking up on them, the death toll could climb into the thousands or even hundreds of millions while some of America’s President plays with the thermostat and eats his wagyu steak.
When reached for “comment”, Ashton Kutcher flopped his muss of hair to one side and began taking deeply personal, sepia-toned pictures of ice cube trays with his Nikon Coolpix while begging his mother…er, I mean his wife to put them up on the refrigerator.
Cold white people? Is that all? I’m flinty and from Chicago. Can you not see I’m trying to eat my waffle here – do you mind?
Seeing as how the “Let Them Eat Snowcones” Media is doing their Snuggie Job to insulate Flinty McToastytits from his Presidential responsibilities, I have no choice but to tug at his heartstrings to get federal intervention:
Sir, not only is this man’s stolen beer going to freeze – he’s not even going to be able to watch the Super Bowl on his stolen tv tomorrow! Now get to work.
(ed. – And it also looks like Lootie is about to get run over by the SUV that caused this Global Warming in the first place. Must save Lootie!)