When Ding Dongs Are Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Have Ding Dongs
February 22nd, 2009 at 10:59 am by BrianScientists have discovered the secondhand fat is now the leading cause of divorce in the U.S. And by “scientists”, I mean a random observation that came to me after staring at the lower cholesterol remnants of Honey Nut Cheerios in front of me.
Powdered doughnut tip to Stop The ACLU for taking a greasy bite out of ABC’s incredibly shallow “reporting” on people being fat based on their proximity to fast food restaurants:
Now stop laughing. I think ABC is serious with this stuff.
ABC unleashed this “news” piece on February 19 with a headline that screams “Living Near Fast Food Ups Stroke Risk” and based it on yet another one of those groundbreaking “studies” that are always touted as “science.” This piece is filled with dire warnings and shocking conclusions… unless you actually read it, that is. Then you find it is really built on conjecture, maybes and assumptions instead of hard proof. So much for science.
All I know is that I get the vapors every time I get on an elevator and someone reeks of McDonald’s french fries. Or when I go to a restaurant and am forced to smell cooking that is not solely boiled or baked. I know I speak for all non-fat liberals when I say that all eateries should herd the fatties into their own areas of the restaurants before banning them from being allowed in altogether. Or within 20 feet of a federal building. Or inside of hospitals.
There ought to be a law(tm)! A Fat Czar. If anyone ever knew how to cure obesity it’s the czars and Russians. Then again, I don’t remember much MSM scienticians reporting on anorexia in relation to living near the Ukraine or Siberia. Seems people got Pulitzers for not taking their shiny journalistic fork to break through the flaky crust of lies in Stalin’s Russia.
First they came for the alcohol but a lot of people got killed by organized crime that exists to this day and it was eventually overturned, then they came for the weed and that’s caused a massive, multi-billion dollar underground tax-free economy, then they came for the cigarettes, then they came for the ding dongs and there was no one left to speak out.
“it never got glazed enough for me.” - brian mcmurphy, Feb. 2008
Nigel for the inspiration in the comments.
February 22nd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I’m fat.
Y’all have met me, so you know that.
And let me tell you that study is bullshit.
You might as well say that car ownership causes strokes as well, because the nearest Krispy Kreme drivethrough is 6 miles away, and when I have a hankering for a glazed raised…
February 22nd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Oops, I hit the “enter” button a little too soon.
I was about to type about “personal responsibility”, or something. You know…I’m not fat because society puts too many temptations in front of me…I’m fat because I CHOOSE to eat too much frickin’ garbage.
I mean….just LOOK at what I ate at the last “Prickfest”:
http://tinyurl.com/cxnfjn
Although if I was just smart, I’d just blame my fat-assedness on the Joos and on Karl Rove.
February 22nd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
In a Simpsonian sense, the idea of a glazed doughnut being held high in a clenched fist could be the rallying symbol of our generation.
February 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
“If anyone ever knew how to cure obesity it’s the czars and Russians.” So true. But it seems their populations had a penchant for eating shoe leather, and chewing off their fingertips. So it’s a trade off I guess.
Love,
The Donut Ho.
February 22nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
It was either the Gonzo logo adapted or to take the retro Krispy Kreme “K’s” king holding the doughnut high and adding an extra “K” to the end for the Krispy Kreme Klan.
I thought the latter would open itself up too much to charges of bigotry against chocolate cakes and fudge pies.
February 22nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
This guy has a czar for everything. All we are missing is an animal rights czar, and then he’d have it all.
February 22nd, 2009 at 8:05 pm
They can have my ding-dong when they pry it from my cold, dead hand.
February 22nd, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Krispy Kremes are the closest thing to Manna that exists at the present time, and should be eaten only when fresh and warm, never the next day, sort of like Manna.
Speaking of McDonald’s fries, take a look at this experiment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-ljW5YEdao
(Watch the whole thing to see what with the fries)