Enlightened Redneck has a hilarious post up about how Obama ruined the White House Easter Egg Roll with his new lottery system.  It seems that even on the most trivial of issues that Our Saviour, St. Urkel the X is too clever by a King Solomon half.

President Obama thought outside the box and decided it was better to move the ticketing process online — and predictably, the system didn’t work as advertised.

…

People like us who, technologically speaking, were in line before anyone else didn’t get tickets. The fairness of the first-come, first-served process of the past was dumped for a system that rewarded egg-roll enthusiasts based on random luck.

All you had to do was click at the right time (without knowing what that time was) and hope that the system didn’t boot you before your order was processed. It’s as if the White House invited everyone to camp in D.C. and gave tickets to those who fought their way to the front of the line, not those who were there first.

I am rather disappointed in Easter’s New Messiah on this one.  I always thought he would award tickets based on a ranking system of your aggrieved racial, gender or sexual orientation status.

For example, an 8-year old Indonesian acid burn victim would rank right behind an interracial transgendered 13 yr. old he/she/it but would earn a place before a 4 yr-old caucasian boy with a speech impediment being raised by a single gay mother.

There’s another flaw in the online approach: With the egg roll more than two weeks from the date of the online ticket distribution, as opposed to at most three days in the past, the Obama administration has created a huge opening for the online scalping of free tickets.

Behold the free market, and free speech, on display at the Washington Craigslist page:

• From an offer to pay $200: “We want those tickets 1 adult and 2 beautiful children wanting to attend the Egg Roll. Have a heart and we’ll bring you back an egg.”
• “I will trade 2 regular season Redskins tickets for 1 game (no parking) for any time tickets to egg roll 2 adults 2 kids. “
• “I am a professional civil engineer about to install solar pv and solar hot water systems in current old-house addition project. … I will come to your house for a 2-hour session and conduct an in depth solar survey to assess your suitability. … I need 2 adult 2 children tickets — to the 8 a.m. slot if possible.”
• “My fam has NEVER been and would love to this year! I can’t afford more than $50 for a pair or 3 tix but perhaps we can trade for them? Here’s an example of 1 of the things I have to trade.”
• “All these people who wanted to get these tickets, and here is our government standing there holding them up just out of reach to see who will maim and kill and scratch their neighbors’ eyeballs out, and then climb up on their bloody stumps to reach those stupid tickets!”
• “Everyone needs to contact the White House and suggest a lottery system for next year. A lottery system would allow everyone interested an equal chance to get tickets instead of rewarding folks who can try every 5 seconds the entire day.”
• “The ‘purpose’ of online tickets this year was to make it more accessible to Americans who otherwise might not be able to go. It is really just a lame excuse for the government to fleece the Americans and ‘change’ a system that was not broken.”

Ah, charity tickets being dispensed with all the order of a rice drop in the middle of a famine in Mogadishu.

The Washington Post also covered Urkel’s “If It Ain’t Broke, Fix It” affair.  In all fairness, that is what he campaigned on.  America’s the Greatest Country on Earth and now we’ve got to change it.

I’d do well to caution all the people mad about not having the status symbol of a White House Egg Roll in their kid’s photo album that the event is not the true celebration of that day.  I’d like to also point out the sacrilege irony of people fighting for a spot in a vanity event to take place on the lawn of  a man who thinks he’s God and doesn’t believe in yours.

Share This entry was posted on Sunday, March 29th, 2009 at 1:58 pm and is filed under Bizarro, Cavalcade of Whimsy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.