*transcript*

“Hello, Cleveland!”, the Messiah joked as the crowd was polled and determined to find the intro entertaining by a commanding 73% (CNN/Gallup). “Are you ready to rock?”

The crowd then mistakenly gathered up stones in the area and started pelting a 13 year old girl who was sexually assaulted by her 85 year old husband.

“I got some Truth ™ I need to speak to my mooslim people’s today because we can’t have Healing (patent pending) until we’ve reconciled the past, recognize the present and re-prioritize our future.” (ed. – said the President as thousands of Mooslims looked on not having any idea that consonance and alliteration don’t mean anything if you don’t understand the language and are having it translated).

I come from an imperfect nation.  Born with the congenital birth defect of slavery that should have been grounds for a partial birth abortion not unlike that for fetuses with a port-wine stain or an annoying stuttering habit.   The seed of my nation’s violent history was sewn into it’s fabric as George Washington raped Betsy Ross on the flag while Ben Franklin masturbated with his own primitive, candle-powered version of the Fleshlight in the corner and yelling out directions.

As a constitutional law professor and as you may have read in one of my many New York Times best-selling books available right now on Amazon.com, we learned of how Supreme Court Justice John Jay refused to hear Roe v. Wade in favor of hearing cases about building roads that favored big business and pollute the environment with equine emissions.  Indeed,  our own violent extremism against women pales in comparison to the strides made in the Mooslim world.

*head turn to the left*

Dark times, my mooslim brothers.

*head turn to the right, finger point/pinch to enunciate each word*

Dark times for the Islamic Republic of America.

From there, entire nations of Native Americans were wiped out by genetically modified corn tainted with small pox from Archer Daniels Midland and Con Agra.  Bodies buried in mass graves dug by the Cat D9s that would later be hired by Wal-Mart to dig up those graves and move their desecrated remains to a landfill.

All the while, Islamic scholars were building the pyramids and landing on the moon.  Trying to show us a better way though we couldn’t see it.  And we wouldn’t hear it.  We. couldn’t. hear. it.  We.  Weren’t.  Listening.

I know what you’re saying – how can a guy with such big ears not hear of the Islamic advances in medicine that rid the world of polio, wooed the West with poetry, and wrote the Book of Progress.  What can I say?  I was negative 200 years old at the time – but I’m listening, now.

(hold for applause)

(Wait a little longer, don’t step on it!)

(There, that’s good. Now start back in before they finish clapping like a bunch of circus seals)

At the turn of the century, the world was in peril.  Racist hillbillies clinging to their automatic muskets and Bibles inked with the blood of Palestinian children assassinated Archduke Ferdinand for praying to Allah and sparked The Great War.  I don’t know what was so great about it because it seemed pretty stupid to me.  A lot of people died on both sides.  Thanks alot, assholes.

Achmoud the Great led the even greater Assyrian army into battle to quell the West’s violence but less than a generation later America was at it again.  This time in Germany.  A young man named Eric Rudolph, poisoned by rightwing talk AM radio, not unlike today, set fire to the Reichstag because he mistakenly heard from Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity that women were exercising their right to choose there and the proud, once Islamic nation of Germany was swept into the arms of a genocidal, Christianist madman who would pollute the water table with the burnt offerings of Zion.  Lost to your teachings until just this last generation.

Once again, Mooslims around the world were called upon to save us from ourselves.

Dr. Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud, father of the gracious Saudi King who gave me this dope gold chain by the way, was working on atomic power to shine the disinfecting sunlight of gamma radiation on the feuding beasts of Crackerstan with blinding Islamic superiority.  Though the great historian Howard Zinn has absolved Dr. Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud the scholar,  from the heinous crimes of my nation, little did he know that they would pervert his effort to produce cheap, abundant energy for my starving ancestors in Kenya in order to attack the Japanese with it because they refused to learn English as a Second language in our concentration camps.

God it feels good to get this off my chest.

Do you all have anything you want to share with me as long as we’re airing our grievances?

No?

Ok, then.

(to be continued – Allah willing)

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