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I Want Jeff Fisher’s Mustache Stuffed On My Mantle

October 11th, 2009 at 11:45 pm by Brian

I’m a Titans fan.  I love derivatives of Buddy Ryan’s acolytes on defense.  But the Titans’ need a coach and they don’t have one.

Aside from firing everything that touched the University of Texas on the team, the alternative is firing everything in coach’s gear on the sideline – starting at the top.  Jeff “Joe Cool” has no passion for this game anymore.  He’ll sleepwalk through the recap tomorrow before the Monday Night game and stoically “take the blame” for another humiliating bowel movement on all 100 yards of LP field – televised nationally to raise awareness for Colorectal Cancer Month.

His sideline demeanor raises awareness of Anger Management because no matter what seems to happen he never gets angry,throws down a clipboard, grabs a player’s face mask or decks an Offensive Coordinator for calling a run up the middle 3rd and long.  Of course, this could turn into a masochistic endeavor if we include the coach who turns down a penalty against the opposing team giving you 3rd &  8 and another chance to gets  a 1st down versus taking 4 & 2 and kicking a field goal.

You’re not really here to win anymore are you, Coach? Or is run left, run up the middle, incomplete pass to the left, punt some brilliant new strategy whose time just hasn’t come yet?

Facial Hair of Failure

You will be mine.

Paychecks need to be withheld because outside of the defense, the product that is being put on the field does not qualify as a football team.  Not that we’ll find that out from local sports talk radio who are so completely in the bag and starstruck that they are void of making any meaningful criticism.  You’re still doing my sitdown interview and we’re going to go play golf, right?

Nashville is such a polite city.  Nothing like the Chicagos or Philadelphias.

As our pampered, prideless, heartless multimillionaires can’t seem to catch the ball or run with it without dropping it, it’s time to up the stakes.

If Jeff Fisher cannot keep this almost all returning 13 & 3 team from last year from going 0-6 this year, he should be forced to shave his mustache on The Jeff Fisher Show next week.

We will keep his mustache in a fireproof safe, occasionally poke it with a stick and keep a bottle’s worth of Grecian Formula just out of reach to taunt it.


9 Responses to “I Want Jeff Fisher’s Mustache Stuffed On My Mantle”

  1. Nigel Says:

    My trade offer still stands.

    We’ll trade you Norv Turner’s vagina for Jeff Fisher’s mustache…straight up.

  2. Brian Says:

    Maybe we could genetically splice them to create the world’s first DIY Mustache Ride.

  3. serr8d Says:

    I posted a theory this morning. Imma bounce it offa you…

    I think that Jeff Fisher is burned out in Nashville; that burnout was accelerated and exacerbated by the horrific murder of his friend Steve McNair on July 4th.

    He may not even be able to articulate it, but I’m guessing that a change of scenery would be welcomed.

    (Think about it…McNair died within view of LP Field. Don’t you know that his memory haunts his remaining teammates and coaches?)

    Either that, or that thrice-damned yellow towel-toilet paper curse is , you know, real.

  4. 11B40 Says:

    Greetings:

    I saw the game last night and would have shared your pain except that I was still emotionally comatose from the San Francisco 49er cornerback who intercepted a pass, started his triumphal celebration while still running it back, and then fumbled the ball away when he was tackled. Oh, and did I forget to mention that the 49ers lost 38-10 or something.
    You can’t teach that. It’s Hammertime.

  5. Brian Says:

    I don’t know how McNair’s death has effected him. I imagine it’s possible to say that after someone you worked closely with for a decade and change is unexpectedly shot that it could make you reprioritize what’s important in your life.

    The majority of the people playing on the team right now didn’t play with him. I’m sure they knew him from the Nashville drinking / carousing circuit.

    But that opening game against Pittsburgh looked like the old team. I even did a post about how well they were playing so I wasn’t imagining it.

    Maybe Pittsburgh just took it all out of them but I see there problem as a coaching one. Dropped passes, fumbles, false starts, offsides. These are the fundamentals that should have been beaten into every player before they ever made it to college. Their coaches are not keeping them focused and Heimerdinger’s playcalling is enough to make William F. Buckley shout from beyond the grave, “For Christ’s sake will you fucking loosen up!?!”

  6. serr8d Says:

    Well, as for coaching, we have to view Jim Schwartz’s leaving to coach the Lions as a terrible loss. Chuck Cecil just isn’t up to the position; the defense has collapsed every game (except for that Pittsburgh game, where two missed field goals and the unlucky flip of a coin cost us the game).

    Fish just doesn’t seem to have the same force of character he had before. If he gets sacked by Bud Adams, he should take a year or two off to recharge.

    Wouldn’t it be a hoot if we landed Cowher? That might dissolve the ‘towel’ curse, ya think? )

  7. Brian Says:

    That would be awesome. Is that on the table?

  8. serr8d Says:

    There’s a passel of coaches who could fill Fish’s spot, but do they want to work is the question. Dungy is done for good I think. Cowher? He’s a go-getter, but whether he would take the job, with Bud Adams as boss, is questionable. Bud’s a factor with all of ‘em.

    I’d like to see Shanahan come in, but he doesn’t have the record Cowher had. Seems Shanahan-coached teams without Elway didn’t work out so well. Oh, and Elway might be a decent coach, but Denver didn’t bite for whatever reason; Denver picked Josh McDaniels who then went out and stuffed his mentor Sunday afternoon (that was fun to watch!).

    Then, there’s Jon Gruden and Mike Holmgren. Of those two Gruden would be my pick, CHUCKIE!!!1!, although Holmgren could come in with his walrus mustache, and at least satisfy the coach’s mirror. )

  9. Nigel Says:

    As long as you are talking about re-treads…Dungy is certainly finished coaching and Shanahan is rumored to be headed to Washington. Holmgren is retired for good as well.

    Jon Gruden…hmmm…he’d be a great fit for Tennessee. Come to think of it, he’d be a great fit for San Diego as well.

    We’ll flip ya for him.

    I think Serr8d makes a great point on Fisher…he DOES look burned out. It happens. Though Tennessee doesn’t look so good now, you have to admit that Jeff Fisher has given the Titans a decade of solid coaching. Despite his TrOJan roots, I have great respect for his abilities as a coach.

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