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Time Magazine Names Adam Lanza Person Of The Year

December 18th, 2012 at 7:13 pm by Brian

Sure he’s late to the party and kept to himself.  Mostly.

But there’s no denying that Lanza is Time’s gender neutral “Person” of the Year.

The competition was already murder.  Between Mohammed Morsi, Kim Jong-Un, Sandra Fluke, The Undocumented American – it wasn’t the quantity of people killed but the quality.

What this lanky, saucer eyed mass murderer has done is greater than any Arab Spring.  He’s ushered in the American Fall and the movement to repeal the 2nd Amendment to the United States Constitution.   Many great progressives died on that battlefield of non-gunshot related injuries but it took one brave, differently abled young man to succeed where so many others failed.  With each round he pumped into those elementary school children, our hearts skipped a beat and swelled with pride.  His gun may have been in those cherubic faces but his name was on everyone’s tongue.

What’s he doing??? What’s he wearing??? Ya know?  What makes him tick?  Was his mother a drunk redneck who got what she deserved?

Like watching a young child learn to ride a bicycle, the smile on our faces grew as we watched our own country maturing before our eyes in realization that gun ownership is just plain wrong.  Even hardcore rightwing Republicans like Joe Scarborough and Michael Bloomberg or avid Democrat hunters like Joe Manchin could not deny the tidal wave of change – statistics be damned.

The usual rapid fire NRA put it’s guns in the ground and observed a weeklong silence in agreement that they were totally responsible for what happened.

The sacrifice those kids made for the good of the nation is greater than any fingerpaint or prom they were going to attend.  With each little coffin being delivered to the funeral home we clinked our champagne glasses and toasted Adam Lanza. After all, you can’t make a firearm outlawing omelet without gunning down a few 29th trimester fetuses.  To be certain, we washed the champagne down with bittersweet tears.

No other candidate could even come close to having such a positive impact on our world while making us completely re-evaluate our longheld position on homeschooling.

On behalf of the entire Mainstream Media Complex, we’d like to extend our highest honor to Adam Lanza.  Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

Cheers,

The Time Magazine Editorial Board


2 Responses to “Time Magazine Names Adam Lanza Person Of The Year”

  1. Bill Says:

    Judging from Slime’s picture of Queer Leader, they pulled an OJ on him…

  2. Brian Says:

    They’ve taken lickspittle minionism to new lows. Every article is an attempt by Time’s editors to tonguepunch Obama’s fartbox.

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