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Extreme Image Makeover: NYT Boston Bomber Edition

April 27th, 2013 at 5:50 pm by Brian

It’s been a week so let’s do this.  We can’t hold our tongues any longer.

The fifth column fourth estate has been pulling their hair out this week to invent some way to explain away the tag team terrorist Tsarnaev family’s violent lashing out for reasons heretofore unknown.

Was it brain injuries from boxing?  Umm, no.  Given how many people box at the amateur and professional level it seems like more would have built pressure cooker bombs before that connection could be made.

Did McDonald’s get their order wrong?  Do they hate Boston Baked Beans?  Perhaps they were Jets fans and just wanted to strike out on Patriot’s Day.  Terrorists do tend to love jets.

This piece of revisionist filth regurgitated by the New York Times onto the graves of the people murdered takes the cake though.  I am warning authorities in advance not to allow any New York Times fanfictioneers to have access to the surviving jihadi because that cake will most certainly have a file in it:

 BOSTON — It was a blow the immigrant boxer could not withstand: after capturing his second consecutive title as the Golden Gloves heavyweight champion of New England in 2010, Tamerlan Anzorovich Tsarnaev, 23, was barred from the national Tournament of Champions because he was not a United States citizen.

That’s the opening line.  The Narrative is congealing at room temperature much like the Times Reporters IQs.  This meek, innocent little lamb in our strange and confusing country (that didn’t ask him to come by the way) was terribly wronged by our immigration policy.

You know what’s a blow some people can’t stand?  I mean besides not being able to participate in a sport.  Losing your leg.  Or  a child.  Or his sister.  Or a parent because some deranged lunatics decided to detonate bombs at a public event of patriotic significance to hurt as many random people as possible.

Your mileage may vary but typically someone dying rates higher than some alleged sporting event snub.  Not in the morally equivalent universe of the New York Times though.  Having said that, I never made the school basketball team.  Would it be acceptable if I murdered the first 100 commenters in any given New York Times thread?

The cocksure fighter, a flamboyant dresser partial to white fur and snakeskin, had been looking forward to redeeming the loss he suffered the previous year in the first round, when the judges awarded his opponent the decision, drawing boos from spectators who considered Mr. Tsarnaev dominant.

His aspirations frustrated, he dropped out of boxing competition entirely, and his life veered in a completely different direction.

So much for overcoming adversity.  The only thing “cock” that I am sure about is that the New York Times wants to suck his.

His girlfriend at the time had called 911, “hysterically crying,” to say he had beaten her up, according to the Cambridge police report. Mr. Tsarnaev told the officers that he had slapped her face because she had been yelling at him about “another girl.”

Eventually, charges against him would be dismissed, the records show, so the episode would not have endangered his eventual citizenship application.

*Pfew*  Lucky us.  The article blithely notes how this fabled *heavyweight* Golden Glove boxer used his petite wife as a punching bag.  The wife who gave him a child and who, outside of gubmint welfare, was financially supporting his lazy ass while he was cheating on her.  Unimportant details.  I know.  There is apparently a Tomb of the Unknown Victim in the War on Women as written by the NYT.

Mr. Tsarnaev portrayed his quitting as a reflection of the sport’s incompatibility with his growing devotion to Islam. But as dozens of interviews with friends, acquaintances and relatives from Cambridge to Dagestan showed, that devotion, and the suspected radicalization that accompanied it, was a path he followed most avidly only after his more secular dreams were dashed in 2010 and he was left adrift.

So Islamic Terrorism can be solved by Midnight Basketball.  Is that the gist of this?

His wife primarily supported the family through her job as a home health aide, scraping together about $1,200 a month to pay the rent. While she worked, Mr. Tsarnaev looked after their daughter, Zahira, who was learning to ride the tricycle still parked beside the house, neighbors said.

One blows them up and the other visits their home twice a week to change their bedpans.  They’ve got all the bases covered.

As Salaam A-Sweetback.  So where did the BMWs and Mercedes come from?  How does one “survive” on $1200 a month for a family of three and he’s driving a luxury sedan?  Or not work.  You’re fit to box but not to lift one?

The NYT’s piece drones on for three more full length pages of hagiogaphy of this premeditated murderer of innocent men, women and children in an effort to redeem his terrorist attack into a cudgel to use against Republicans for not wanting to bless 30 million illegal aliens with citizenship, welfare checks and Obamaphones.

The connection couldn’t be any clearer as to the cause of the Boston Tea Party Massacre.  It was a cry for help on Immigration Reform!  As for his radicalization, we’ll have to blame the pedantry of the government that is preparing to run our healthcare for that one I guess:

After his return (from Russia and Dagestan), Mr. Tsarnaev applied for American citizenship, a year after he was eligible to do so. But the F.B.I. investigation, though closed, had caused his application to be stalled. Underscoring how detached he had become, he no longer had any valid passport, or international travel document, and Cambridge, to which he had a hard time readapting, was now his de facto home more than ever.

You didn’t complete your form in time Mr. Jihadi.  I hope observing our passport rules does not cause you to become “detached” or have trouble “re-adapting” to our incredibly flawed country that has let you down in so many other ways yet still allowed you back for some reason.

He grew a five-inch beard, which he shaved off before the bombings, and interrupted prayers at his mosque on two occasions with outbursts denouncing the idea that Muslims should observe American secular holidays. He engaged neighbors in affable conversations about skiing one week and heated ones about American imperialism the next.

In other words, your average New York Times reader.

At a neighborhood pizzeria, wearing a head covering that matched his jacket, he explained to Albrecht Ammon, 18, that “the Koran is great and flawless, and the Bible is ripped off from the Koran, and the U.S. used the Bible as an excuse to invade different countries.”

If only there had been some clue.  If only there is some way we could determine what made him go off?  What did *we* do wrong to him?  This is clearly our fault.  Our battered women’s shelter of a country.  We can change him.  We know we can!

“I asked him about radical Muslims that blow themselves up and say, ‘It’s for Allah,’ ” Mr. Ammon said. “And he said he wasn’t one of those Muslims.”

Clearly someone asked the right questions and clearly someone lied.

Like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, the world may never know the countless ways America failed the Tsarnaev family.  Luckily, the New York Times is there to explain  it to us.  It was not radical Islam that blew up those Boston Marathoners, it was Washington gridlock on immigration and the country that callously gave him political asylum, a life, a child and enough free handouts to allow him to afford white furs, snakeskins, designer clothes and luxury cars but not allow him to professionally punch people other than his wife.

From this point forward, we should cut all that shit out and manage the immigrating scum of the Earth’s expectations accordingly so that they are not let down if their dreams are dashed upon the rocks of reality.

The streets are paved with blood and bone.  Abandon hope all who enter.  We are a nation of immigrants but it was the last batch that made it that way.

Post Script:  But Rick Perry is solely responsible for that plant explosion in Waco.  Terrorists aren’t responsible.  Politicians are!

Except for the Boston terrorists.  They’re still not responsible and certainly not Obama/Schumer/McCain/Rubio come-one-come-all even if you’re on a terrorist watchlist approach.


2 Responses to “Extreme Image Makeover: NYT Boston Bomber Edition”

  1. Gordon Says:

    He engaged neighbors in affable conversations about skiing one week and heated ones about American imperialism the next.

    In other words, your average New York Times reader.

    Brilliant as usual Brian. I wish there were a National Review that allowed scathing articles with cuss-words, because you’d be the next William F’in Buckley.

  2. Brian McMurphy Says:

    You’re too kind, Cranky. Obviously, I’ve opted for over-writing than adding in more entertaining photoshops which always spruce the place up! ;)

    And just think, my co-workers get all of this free of charge.

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