To that end, everybody loves a 2-pak. No, not the one with the bulletholes in him (though I ain’t got nuttin but love for ya homie) who doesn’t get anymore Christmases – but the kind you can still overnight from Amazon in time to claim it got delayed by shipping and that you’re not a thoughtless lout.

Thankfully, Steven Spielberg has decided to focus his Industrial, Light & Magic on his greatest special effects project to date.  Namely, re-branding the Democrats from being punished for their success.  It’s all about the optics, A-holes.  Keep telling yourself that.

Optics with 5.1 Dolby in Anamorphic Widescreen 2.35:1!

Richard Trumka is in a race against time in search of the Lost Gold of Jimmy Hoffa.   Thanks to a government subsidy and a supporting cast from the Screen Actor’s Guild, the AFL-CIO, the Las Vegas Culinary Institute and Working for Change – they’ll kill any disorganized, crumbsnatching boogerpickers who get in their way.  “Union goon” always sounds so harsh, but Trumka and his buddies aren’t goons at all – they’re Goonies!

***********

It all seemed like a dream in 1982.  At the peak of his powers, Spielberg held the mirror of our cruel sense of humanity in our faces as Elliot gave a handout of Reese’s Pieces to the world’s favorite illegal alien.  The foreign, diseased menace hopped into the basket of a bicycle and pedaled his way to sweet foreign freedom in the shadow of the moon with the underage teen.

But like every other “self-deporting” alien, he’s back.  And this time, he’ll capture our hearts as he captures his green card.  He is, E.T. – the Extwa Tewwestwial:

A repeal of DADT has cleared the way for E.T. to get his citizenship so it’s off to bootcamp as Steven Spielberg in no way, shape or form intends to help Nancy Pelosi from looking like she wants to sell-out unemployed Americans during The Second Great Depression by offering free college educations and citizenship to illegal aliens.

Barney Frank stars in the role he was born to play.  Frank re-teams with the hit director fresh off their success in the straight to DVD sci-fi cult classic, Close Encounters of the Turd Kind.

Experience the pride and movie magic again as E.T. flashes his photo ID for a government discount to Fire Island and his glowing middle finger to Red America’s backwards values while on shore leave.  Rekindle the awe-inspiring innocence of your youth as E.T. phones homo.

Coming Soon from The Spielberg Collection

- Scheduled Release March 2010:  Years of plastic surgery have left the most powerful woman in the free world horribly disfigured as she assumes Speaker of the House.  You’ll experience true terror as Spielberg digitally spackles over God’s mistakes in “Jaws”.

-  He’s on a bike wearing a helmet, he’s on a surfboard, er, wearing a helmet, he’s eating a hamburger while wearing a helmet!  There’s no telling where you’re going to find President Obama where he’s not wearing a helmet as Tom Hanks plays a tenacious congressional investigator tracking down the President to ask him why a federal case against voter intimidation was dismissed after it was already won in “Catch Me If You Can”.  You’d be surprised what some people can get away with by forging a few documents.  Release date:  Fall 2011

Young players will wind their way around 18 holes while avoiding “bummers” that could ruin their leisure.

As the North Koreans pound Seoul, Obama must skillfully maneuver the sand trap on a brutal par 5 or else a meekly worded letter to the U.N. won’t be drafted in time. As China backs their play on disputed fishing territories, Obama risks a birdie on a long Par 3 by putting a lot of top spin on the ball with his 9 iron. Will he reach the pin in time to avert nuclear catastrophe?

Other great gift ideas!
International Sorry!
Call of Duty: Slack Ops
Death Panel

Playing Death Panel is a fun way for the whole family to journey down the Red Tape Highway towards life-saving help or government sponsored Eternity!

Even smart or connected players will be challenged. Landing on a square where you eat a delicious cupcake will force to go to the back of the line. Be careful! Smoke a cigarette and you will lose a turn.

 



Click to embiggen

Land on a Gamble With Your Life square and draw a card. Can you feel your heart pounding?

Michelle is watching!

Sorry, your Doc works for the DMV now!

 



Click for more

Other great gift ideas!
International Sorry!
Call of Duty: Slack Ops

Work your way around the world collecting goodwill tokens and reset buttons from “friends you haven’t met yet”. Sure they may continue attacking you and building nukes like no tomorrow. But you will ultimately win because you won their hearts!

Not available in the US

The player can win by collecting just some of these great apologies:

And many more!!

Previously:

Day One: The Twelve Days of Christmas – Call of Duty – Slack Ops!

Linked by the magnificent Photoshop b*stards at I Own The World and Director Blue. Thank you!

With that in mind, let’s pull out this year’s list of “Who’s Been Nietzsche and Who’s Been Nice?” to see what handout Santa’s going to leave them for Winter Solstice.

On the heels of Call of Duty’s 7 million copy launch earlier this month, Koch Industries in cooperation with InActivision have cut their palms with a KA-BAR and sworn a blood oath (while slicing limes on the 19th hole) to bring us their most overambitious and underqualified game to date:

Call of Duty:  Slack Ops

On Wii, Ennui: Will Obama be able to finish 18 holes in time to hold the 38th parallel?

Use pitch, draw and don’t forget SPIN to turn what is traditionally a lazy man’s pastime into your foreign policy legacy.

Realistic gameplay lets you be the POTUS. When North Korea launches a sneak attack on an ally’s civilians, you are forced to reckon with 18 Holes to avert Nuclear Holocaust starting off with a brutal par 5 where you must negotiate a harrowing sand trap after the first dog leg.  If we can’t get back to the clubhouse by nightfall, a tersely worded letter to the U.N. won’t get drafted in time!

So Real Even Your Ratings Will Plummet: Use the crowd control feature to whip-up or settle down a fawning press corps.  Camo’d cameo announcers Chris Mathews, Andrea Mitchell, Katie Couric and Brian Williams report from the rough (terrain of their New York /D.C.studios) to give you the play-by-play commentary and your Wii controller’s leg adapter unleashes our patented vibrating Tingle ™ Technology.  Don’t get distracted by how awesome you are. You’ve still got to compose that meeting request with your Cabinet so you can draft that letter!

Unlock hidden missions! It’s a game inside of the game.  After being rebuffed from Chinese diplomats, you are forced to enter into a deadly game of pick-up basketball.  Will Robert Gibbs get picked last?    Use Obama’s natural tendency to bow as you reach in to steal the ball and hog it until the shot clock runs down.  You only have minutes left before you can draft that text message to your assistant so she can schedule that meeting request with your Cabinet and hold a quorum on that letter you were thinking about writing when everybody was still mad about that thing that happened - before The Final Buzzer.

And whatever you do, watch out for those elbows!

Cleanliness is next to Godliness!

Click to embiggen

Are your Little Ones making a big Carbon footprint? Help these little rug rats see the error of their existence with this fun and educational game that INCREASES AWARENESS.

Day Four and it’s been nothing but a White Christmas at The Buffet. But once you get past the hostess, the maitre d’ and three or four old honkies sipping cognac by the fireplace – we can inspect the kitchen to see what’s being cooked up for the hard to please liberals still on our to-do lists.

Ummm…smells like trouble.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… THE RACE CARD GAME!

click to embiggen

~~~You too can be a winner in the game of life…~~~

If we’re to believe what passes for black leadership in America, you already know that if you’re pigmentationally gifted that you won’t ever be a winner unless Life suddenly turns into a contest to see who can have the highest Cricket cellphone bill ever sent to Collections. We can’t help you win at Life – but by God, you’ll never run out of excuses for failure when you can play – The Race Card!

Need a little extra cash for your coalition? Just show up on Wall Street with your hat in your hand and remind those corporate fat cats who has the power of the media spectacle on their side.

Lookin’ to make a name for yourself in national politics? You might get lucky and draw the manufactured hate crime card and thrust yourself into the media spotlight! Just look out, because those riots can get nasty from time to time.

Need that little extra boost to get into the college of your choice? Then you already know how to play the Race Card Game without even reading the rules!

Angry that your candidate didn’t get elected? You may get lucky and get the voter intimidation card – or even better – you might be voting by butterfly ballots which we all know are very hard to read! Play the right card and you may have grounds for a very profitable lawsuit!

Whether you’re served the wrong airline food, been called a “water buffalo”, exposed to inclement weather, or forced to dress business casual while getting paid millions of dollars to watch a basketball game – no indiscretion is too small and no perceived insult is too slight when you can play the “Race Card” game!

Will you get elected Mayor of Detroit or re-elected to Mayor of Washington? Play ball for the 76ers or get played out by somebody else’s babymama? Be a convicted murderer in a hit HBO movie or will you be a convicted murder put to death by the State of California – you’ll never know until you play “Race Card”!

Experience the soft bigotry of no expectations this Kwanzaa.

Not available in Vermont

PREVIOUSLY:

• Day Three: Stratego For Democrats
• Day Two: Bill Frist’s Operation!
• Day One: The Ted Kennedy Bathtub Playset

Continuing in the Ramahanakwanzmas tradition, Six Meat Buffet brings you Day Three of our 12 Days of Christmas: Last Minute Gift Ideas for Liberals campaign.

Today’s gift: STRATEGO FOR DEMOCRATS!

Sure, you played it as a kid – hell, if you’re enough of a geek, you’ve probably played it as an adult. Line up your army to take on the opposing army and capture their flag, leaving a trail of bloodshed in your wake.

Well, we’ve got the new Stratego for Democrats – fight the War on Terror in the Dim-O-Crack tradition of undercutting, faux “supporting the troops” and a turncoat mainstream press! It worked in Vietnam, it can work in the War on Terror!

When you play traditional Stratego, do you furrow your brow at where to place your high ranking officers? Do you gnash your teeth over how best to protect your flag? Stratego for Democrats relieves you of these worries.

Just like congressional Dim-O-Cracks work in consort with the mainstream press to tie our troops hands in combat, your hands are tied from the very beginning with Stratego for Democrats! All you’ve got are low ranking game pieces and a lot of white flags that you’ve got no way to protect.

And that leaves you wide open, since the enemy in the War on Terror is an ever changing mix of goat-raping islamofascists who hide behind women and use children as human shields. You’re going to have a hell of a time getting through the car bombs on your way to capture their non-existent flag. In other words, you better hope you get the blue team because this war is unwinnable.

So this Christmas, have your own war, the Dim-O-Crack way. Get Stratego for Democrats. Rooting against the home team is always fun, but losing a war has never been this much fun – or this fulfilling! Wage peace and raise the white flag over and over again with your friends. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, all year long!

Fun for the whole family – right up until the beheading!

If this made you laugh, don’t you think you should go and vote for us for Best Humor Blog? As Wilfred Brimley once so wisely said, “It’s the right thing to do.” Plus you could help us catch Steve from Hog on Ice! Only 3 days left!

PREVIOUSLY:

• Day Two: Bill Frist’s Operation!
• Day One: The Ted Kennedy Bathtub Playset