Six Meat Buffet » 12 Days of Christmas

Last Minute Gift Ideas for Liberals

Cranky — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 02:45:02 +0000

Running out of time for that thoughtful gift? You can thank me later, but you need to buy this now!!

Cleanliness is next to Godliness!

Are your Little Ones making a big Carbon footprint? Help these little rug rats see the error of their existence with this fun and educational game that INCREASES AWARENESS.

The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY FOUR

Smantix — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 20:30:38 +0000

*** Christmas 2006 Update – Speaking of race-based politics, why not pull out this classic from last year’s 12 Days of Christmas Campaign? Play the Race Card this Christmas! Everybody’s doing it!***

Day Four and it’s been nothing but a White Christmas at The Buffet. But once you get past the hostess, the maitre d’ and three or four old honkies sipping cognac by the fireplace – we can inspect the kitchen to see what’s being cooked up for the hard to please liberals still on our to-do lists.

Ummm…smells like trouble.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… THE RACE CARD GAME!

click to embiggen

~~~You too can be a winner in the game of life…~~~

If we’re to believe what passes for black leadership in America, you already know that if you’re pigmentationally gifted that you won’t ever be a winner unless Life suddenly turns into a contest to see who can have the highest Cricket cellphone bill ever sent to Collections. We can’t help you win at Life – but by God, you’ll never run out of excuses for failure when you can play – The Race Card!

Need a little extra cash for your coalition? Just show up on Wall Street with your hat in your hand and remind those corporate fat cats who has the power of the media spectacle on their side.

Lookin’ to make a name for yourself in national politics? You might get lucky and draw the manufactured hate crime card and thrust yourself into the media spotlight! Just look out, because those riots can get nasty from time to time.

Need that little extra boost to get into the college of your choice? Then you already know how to play the Race Card Game without even reading the rules!

Angry that your candidate didn’t get elected? You may get lucky and get the voter intimidation card – or even better – you might be voting by butterfly ballots which we all know are very hard to read! Play the right card and you may have grounds for a very profitable lawsuit!

Whether you’re served the wrong airline food, been called a “water buffalo”, exposed to inclement weather, or forced to dress business casual while getting paid millions of dollars to watch a basketball game – no indiscretion is too small and no perceived insult is too slight when you can play the “Race Card” game!

Will you get elected Mayor of Detroit or re-elected to Mayor of Washington? Play ball for the 76ers or get played out by somebody else’s babymama? Be a convicted murderer in a hit HBO movie or will you be a convicted murder put to death by the State of California – you’ll never know until you play “Race Card”!

Experience the soft bigotry of no expectations this Kwanzaa.

Not available in Vermont

PREVIOUSLY:

The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY THREE

Preston Taylor Holmes — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 13:30:38 +0000

**Since I’ve been such a crap blogger lately, and since Cranky, Smantix and annika have been keeping this place rocking while I’ve been tending to real life™, I figure it couldn’t hurt to bring back some of the classics from last year’s Twelve Days of Christmas Gift Ideas for Liberals Campaign. From now until Christmas, I’ll be pulling some of these out in an effort to hoodwink those of you who weren’t regular readers last year, and to hopefully amuse some of you who remember the originals. – PTH **

Continuing in the Ramahanakwanzmas tradition, Six Meat Buffet brings you Day Three of our 12 Days of Christmas: Last Minute Gift Ideas for Liberals campaign.

Today’s gift: STRATEGO FOR DEMOCRATS!

Sure, you played it as a kid – hell, if you’re enough of a geek, you’ve probably played it as an adult. Line up your army to take on the opposing army and capture their flag, leaving a trail of bloodshed in your wake.

Well, we’ve got the new Stratego for Democrats – fight the War on Terror in the Dim-O-Crack tradition of undercutting, faux “supporting the troops” and a turncoat mainstream press! It worked in Vietnam, it can work in the War on Terror!

When you play traditional Stratego, do you furrow your brow at where to place your high ranking officers? Do you gnash your teeth over how best to protect your flag? Stratego for Democrats relieves you of these worries.

Just like congressional Dim-O-Cracks work in consort with the mainstream press to tie our troops hands in combat, your hands are tied from the very beginning with Stratego for Democrats! All you’ve got are low ranking game pieces and a lot of white flags that you’ve got no way to protect.

And that leaves you wide open, since the enemy in the War on Terror is an ever changing mix of goat-raping islamofascists who hide behind women and use children as human shields. You’re going to have a hell of a time getting through the car bombs on your way to capture their non-existent flag. In other words, you better hope you get the blue team because this war is unwinnable.

So this Christmas, have your own war, the Dim-O-Crack way. Get Stratego for Democrats. Rooting against the home team is always fun, but losing a war has never been this much fun – or this fulfilling! Wage peace and raise the white flag over and over again with your friends. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, all year long!

Fun for the whole family – right up until the beheading!

If this made you laugh, don’t you think you should go and vote for us for Best Humor Blog? As Wilfred Brimley once so wisely said, “It’s the right thing to do.” Plus you could help us catch Steve from Hog on Ice! Only 3 days left!

PREVIOUSLY:

Shoe Blogging Comes To 6MB

annika — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 06:57:39 +0000

It’s about time, too. [I guess you might call this "toed" blogging.]

Forget Kiki and her botox and her new frumpy fashion image.

Even though she’s out pounding the beat for Geraldo, Laurie Dhue still models the best shoes in the news business.

Check out this year’s must-have pumps, Geraldo digs them.

Here’s a closeup. Red patent leather platform sling-back peeptoes. Very nice. I would accept these in a size 8 for Christmas, if anyone’s keeping a list.

My guess is they’re the “Lusta” pump by Stevens, $125.00 at Nordstrom.

And speaking of cute peeptoes, if I’m not mistaken wasn’t that a $350.00 black Mark Jacobs I saw Michelle crushing a beer can with today? Who cares if she scuffs them? They’re a tax write-off!

The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY TWELVE!!

Cranky — Sat, 24 Dec 2005 17:05:21 +0000

What are you still doing here? T’was the night before Christmas and all that…

Well, you made it to Day 12 of our gift ideas for Liberals and we’re glad to see you.

Our tireless research and development team here at Six Meat Buffet noticed that since September 12, 2001, many of the brightest thinkers on the left have offered their insight on U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East.

We’ve captured some of the best arguments*, entered them into our 486 super-computer and came up with a device that can predict Liberal Wisdom.

Preeeesenting – just in time for Christmas – the Six Meat Buffet Magic Liberal 8 Ball.

Ask any question about the Iraq war, Afghanistan, the Arab Street and let the fun begin!

* Input –
2001 – Invasion of Afghanistan,
2002 – Afghan Democracy,
2003 – Inflaming the Arab Street,
2004 – The Iraqi quagmire,
2005 – Iraqi elections

Any resemblance between the Magic Liberal 8 Ball ™ and the Autorantic Virtual Moonbat ™ is completely coincidental. No really!

UPDATE: This however, is pure plagiarism (on our part).

PREVIOUSLY:

The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY ELEVEN

Preston Taylor Holmes — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 13:23:51 +0000

As we draw near the end of our special 12 Days of Christmas: Last Minute Gift Ideas for Liberals, it’s important at this time of year to remember those who are here illegally, breaking our laws and living off the grid.

With that massive illegal labor/terror market in mind, we offer today’s gift: LEGOS: MEXICAN BORDER EDITION!

Say goodbye to flimsy fences and their gaping holes, big enough to drive a truck through. Say goodbye to unpatrolled rivers and leaky boats. Leave the leaky boats to the Cubans for cryin’ out loud.

Now that you’ve got the resources and the Lego-Brand tools to do the job right, you can use your Mexican Border lego set to finally secure our southern border, much to the chagrin of President Junior and his blood-brother Vicente Fox. When those two aren’t “hot chatting” on AOL in Español, they’re making out at one of their famous summit meetings.

You can even enlist your own Little Minutemen in the fight against the flood of illegals.

Fortunately, the instructions come only in Spanish, so it’s up to you to be bilingual. Since they’re not on the road to assimilation, you might as well get out your Berlitz tapes and get to work. It’s culturally insensitive for the U.S. to have a nasty official language like English, so get crackin’.

Also included is a special bonus insert on “How to Cross The U.S. Border” provided by the Mexican government. Consider it a gift from them to you. Along with the gift of cheap labor, plummeting wages, increased crime and a massive burden on the already-strapped welfare state.

PREVIOUSLY:

The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY TEN

Preston Taylor Holmes — Thu, 22 Dec 2005 13:39:35 +0000

Christmas is only three days away! Have you gotten all your shopping done for those lefties in your life? I mean, besides buying them those big CHOOSE LIFE t-shirts that Wham! used to wear.

Fear not, for I bring you good tidings of The Twelve Days of Christmas: Last Minute Gift Ideas for Liberals, Day Ten!

Today’s gift: Monopoly: Eminent Domain Special Edition!

You may remember playing classic Monopoly as a youngster. Sure the games took forever, but remember the fun you had buying property, setting up houses and hotels? Remember the pride you took in actually owning property and protecting that property from interlopers?

Well, in the new Monopoly Eminent Domain Edition, you can take as much pride in your property as you want, but remember – in today’s version, that property is temporary. Thanks to SCOTUS’ Kelo decision, this new game version reflects the new American reality that, as long as a developer wants your land and government wants more tax revenue, your property can taken on a whim, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it!

Roll the dice and buy this lovely property in Fort Trumbull.

But lookout! That property is in New London, Connecticut, where the city government and local developers now have the Federal green light to take your property so that they can put up an office plaza for a pharmaceutical company! When the city needs more tax revenue, it’s time for you to hit the bricks, sister.

Maybe you’re running a little low on Monopoly Money and you need to find some affordable housing. Really affordable housing. You could do a lot worse than Riviera Beach, Florida. Sure, the area is a bit run down, but you’ve got a hell of a view. Not so fast, homeowner! Mayor Fatso wants to toss your poor ass out into the street so that he can build beachside condos and restaurants for people who do have a lot of Monopoly Money! You lose!

It’s not all bad news, playing Monopoly: Eminent Domain Edition. If you get really lucky, you might roll the dice and have the option of landing on Cilley Hill Road in Weare, New Hampshire. This will give you the opportunity to tear down David Souter’s run-down shack and put up a Lost Liberty Hotel. It’s in the community’s best interest, you know.

Monopoly Eminent Domain is sweeping the country! Now that the flood gates are open, there’s barely a state or local municipality that isn’t jumping in on the fun! And you may get to play as well – whether you want to or not!

PREVIOUSLY:

The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY NINE

Smantix — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 11:47:07 +0000

We’ve had a lot of fun with our imaginary liberal friends this week. Their knack for vehicular homicide. Their predictably petulant racebaiting, impish inclinations towards infanticide and condescending concerns that feel about as real as the hair on our own personal latexed legislator. Unless we’re talking about terrorists, then the concern is genuine.

Our next offering isn’t exactly a “new” spin on an old classic. In fact, it’s been around for over a year but we haven’t been at liberty to discuss after being warned by The White House. As of press time, our high-ranking Homeland Security liasion, Special Agent Potsie, has advised us to continue “sitting on it”.

Nay. *You* sit on it Potsie. If the New York Times can’t print sedition then the terrorists have already won or something.

And while we have the utmost confidence in our readers to pick up the rules, it’s a game the National Security Agency will tragically never figure out how to play.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me – 9 blabbers blabbing

Harry Reid’s Don’t Spill The Beans

The only thing more fun than keeping a secret – is telling one! From the makers of last year’s smash-hit Sandy Bergler’s “Ants in Your Pants”, comes an unnerving game of international intrigue that will keep the Special Prosecutors guessing well into the next election year.

Because you’re sooo important, you get to play a high ranking Senate Intelligence Committee member charged with scoring some quick points on the opposing team. Your goal? Drop enough “beans” to your favorite reporters about a nefarious plot to NOT extend Constitutionally protected liberties to foreign nationals while investigating future terror plots against the US. But don’t drop too many “beans” at once or WHOOPS! – all of the terrorists get away and you get sent to a federal “pound you in the ass” prison.

Will you leak it to The New York Times? The LA Times? Or just plain old Time?

Sssshhh! Don’t tell us. We broke Potsie’s trust. Keep it to yourself! Spill too many of those beans and the next thing you’ll be leaking will be your cherry on a rubber matress and getting smacked up for your commissary in between The View and Montel.

After all, this game is about you. Not us. You. It’s all about you. Forget about “us”. For all intents and purposes screw “us”. It’s all about you.

Just so we’re clear on that.

If anybody thinks you’re the bean spiller – just tell ‘em:

a) I’ve never heard of such a thing.

b) Call for hearings to investigate what you’ve known about all along and swore to protect!

c) I demand a swift censure before even knowing if a law has been violated.

d) Get your nancyboys at The New Republic to histrionically sob into their apple martinis.

The law can say “no, no, no” but your mouth can say “yes, yes, yes” as you jeopardize dozens of ongoing investigations while feigning high dudgeon. Let your imagination be as limitless as your hypocrisy.

Politics may stop at the water’s edge but the bodies can keep washing up on shore for hours when you play Harry Reid’s Don’t Spill the Beans!

From Matell

(Conscience sold separately)

PREVIOUSLY:

The Twelve Days of Christmas: DAY EIGHT

Preston Taylor Holmes — Tue, 20 Dec 2005 14:27:37 +0000

It’s the Eighth Day of The 12 Days of Christmas: Last Minute Gift Ideas for Liberals here at the Buffet.

And on the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… THE OFFICIAL SURVIVOR KATRINA BOARD GAME!

From the mind of “Jihad Cindy” McKinney, it’s the Survivor: Katrina board game!

When you hear the news of a Cat 5 hurricane coming your way and you live well below sea level behind levees that can barely withstand a Cat 3, you may think it’s time to head for higher ground. Not so fast, smart guy. In this game, you’ve either decided to ride it out, or you don’t have the resources to hit the road.

You might think that the Mayor’s evacuation plan will get you out of town using city buses – think again! The Mayor’s busy taking a nap and ever since he stopped paying his cable bill, he hasn’t been able to watch the Weather Channel – and the repo man took Mayor McChump’s only TV!

So you’re shit-out-of-luck. Your only option is to roll the dice and see if your game piece can make it out alive! Will you become one of the bodies floating by or will you feast on them to stay alive? You won’t know until you roll the dice and discover your fate.

Check out these testimonials from actual Katrina survivors:

Patricia Thompson, New Orleans Evacuee*:

I know the police were scared, but they had no right to treat everyone like criminals. Being from New Orleans I know the police are quick to kill because there’s — they have done it so many times and nothing is ever done about it. You know, we live this on a daily basis. Okay? They can and have gotten away with criminal acts. I live across the street from a police substation and a lot of the crimes that are being blamed on citizens were actually committed by police and other city officials. I watched the police go into the substation with all kind of stolen goods. I watched the police and the escalades (ph). I watched the police do a lot that we got blamed for.

Landing on the “ask the police for help” space wasn’t quite the same as being there.

Don’t look to the cops for help in this game! They’re probably too busy looting copy paper from the local flooded Office Max.

And be careful or you’ll have to draw a card from the Survivor Hyperbole Deck™!

Survivor Leah Hodges talks* about having to draw from the Survivor Hyperbole Deck™:

First of all, I would like to offer condolences to the approximately 10,000 people who lost family members, and what certainly appears to me to be a mass act — an act of genocide and of ethnic cleansing. I would like to offer condolences to Ms. Gwendoline Stewart and her family who on December 10th will be burying four of their family members who drowned; a sister — her sister and her three nieces who drowned as a result of the city of New Orleans being abandoned by our very own government, from the very highest level to the very lowest.

Anyway, I’m chair of a committee called Causeway Concentration Camp. Causeway Concentration Camp arose directly from the harsh military treatment and the tensioned fascist style under the I10 in Jefferson Parish at the causeway exit.

The one person who was there to actually help people, he just vanished and we just never saw him again. The next morning all we saw was what appeared to be a bunch of hardened rednecks scowling and growling at us in military uniforms, just hostile, full of hatred, and pointing guns at us and treating us worse than prisoners of war. And in over 100 degree temperatures we were forced to stand out in that hot sun with a hundred percent humidity. We were exposed to skin cancer. We were tortured with sleep depravation. They created a garbage dump and they made us live on it and sleep on it and they flew helicopters over our heads and blew the garbage, the muck and the toxic mire back into our faces.

But, you know, I will answer questions but I will say this, we have been exposed to genocide by ethnic cleansing, the rights of our children have been violated, women’s rights against discrimination have been violated, our economic, social and cultural rights have been violated, our human rights have been violated, our rights against torture have been violated, our rights as prisoners of war within the scope and jurisdiction of the Geneva accords have been violated, migrant workers’ rights have been violated.

These and all other violations both expressed and implied arise directly from the failure of the United States’ government to eliminate apartheid practices and all other forms of oppressive government practices against poor and working poor citizens of the United States who are mostly African-Americans or otherwise people of color. These violations are historical and continuing. And this is a formal request that this situation being blamed on the hurricane be further investigated. This should never have happened any place, especially in America.

And some people are shocked to hear me say a concentration camp. But if you have ever seen any footage of the Hitler concentration camps of World War II, I assure you that is what happened to us at the very lowest level all the way up to the level of some people dying and pregnant women losing babies.

Playing this game was really nothing like that.

Uh oh! You’ve landed on the Mainstream Media square! Lookout! It’s Jerry Rivera and Shepard Smith!

Survivor Dyan French drew a card* from the Hyperbole Deck™ as well:

I didn’t go anywhere. Why? Because I didn’t have to. I live in America. I’m free. Does that sound strange to anybody in 2005? I hope not. Hurricanes. They’ve even had them named after me. I’m 60 — s-i-x-t-y — years on the earth. I’ve lived through I guess at this point thousands of hurricanes. Why are we so excited about hurricanes? Katrina didn’t do this. Let’s get very, very clear. Katrina didn’t do this. The isms of America, the isms that we’ve got to get rid of, including capitalism — i-s-m. It’s almost like the X at the end of prescriptions. It means poison.

We need more money. Where is the place? Around the corner? Please, somebody order up some more paper with ink on it and put the nominations on it. Is this really going to be about this? As I was told I was coming here, the neighbors started coming by with their comments and they want some answers. Hey bo’ how are you doing? God bless your heart for being here because I was looking for you. We’re girlfriends. Where are the rest of them? Don’t they know we’re still without all basic services? Would you let them know that for me, please?

My grandma says she made 50 cents a day, you all, and she bought the house I live in now. My last breath — my last breath. Five generations, it will take that. It’s not for sale. Please let whoever these people know, New Orleans is not for sale. We ain’t going nowhere. Roaches and black folk, they’ve been trying to exterminate, eliminate us. We’re still there. We plan to be there whatever it takes — tent city, no city, sleeping in cars, whatever we’ve got to do. And let me just share this at this point. My home without telephone, email, and Sheridan gave me one of those little crazy phones that I don’t know what to do with.

This game was completely lacking in -isms. I don’t recommend it.

Be careful and don’t roll snake eyes or the levees will be bombed by the white people in power and you’ll really have to hit the high ground fast!

So whether you wind up landing on the Causeway Concentration Camp, the Community Civic Center or the Superdome of horrors, your liberal friend or family member is in for hours of family fun and you can feel good about your gift giving this year.

And don’t worry, white people can play too.

*Actual quotes taken from the “Hearing of the Select Bipartisan Committee to Investigate the Preparation For and Response To Hurricane Katrina Subject: Hurricane Katrina: Voices from Inside the Storm.”

PREVIOUSLY:

The Twelve Days of Christmas – DAY SEVEN

Cranky — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 14:15:39 +0000

Still shopping for that hard-to-please Liberal friend? Never fear, Six Meat Buffet proudly presents our seventh last minute gift idea – this one is especially for the ladies…

Introducing the convenient Six Meat Buffet Ten-Pac ™ Abortion gift certificate!

Why should abortion be such a drag? Why can’t terminating an nuisance pregnancy be as easy and responsibility-free as getting pregnant in the first place?

IT SHOULDN’T!

Give the gift that makes it easy! No parents, no responsibility, NO PROBLEM!!

Check out these glowing testimonies from our satisfied customers:

Sarah, 23, says it never occurred to her to use birth control, though she has been sexually active for six years. When she became pregnant this fall, Sarah, who works in real estate, was in the midst of planning her wedding. “I don’t think my dress would have fit with a baby in there,” she says.

32-year-old college student named Stephanie, has had four abortions in the last 12 years. She keeps forgetting to take her birth control pills. Abortion “is a bummer,” she says, “but no big stress.”

And how about this testimonial from superstar feminist Amy Richards after her live-in dared question her desire to ~~exterminate~~ dismiss two of her three triplets:

On the subway, Peter asked, â€œShouldnâ€™t we consider having triplets?â€ And I had this adverse reaction: â€œThis is why they say itâ€™s the womanâ€™s choice, because you think I could just carry triplets. Thatâ€™s easy for you to say, but Iâ€™d have to give up my life.â€ Not only would I have to be on bed rest at 20 weeks, I wouldnâ€™t be able to fly after 15. I was already at eight weeks. When I found out about the triplets, I felt like: Itâ€™s not the back of a pickup at 16, but now Iâ€™m going to have to move to Staten Island. Iâ€™ll never leave my house because Iâ€™ll have to care for these children. Iâ€™ll have to start shopping only at Costco and buying big jars of mayonnaise. Even in my moments of thinking about having three, I donâ€™t think that deep down I was ever considering it.

I had a boy, and everything is fine. But thinking about becoming pregnant again is terrifying.

We know, honey. The real terrorists are those who would take away your right to make such responsible choices. I mean, shopping at Costco with the rest of red-state Amerikkka? No freakin’ way! Since Amy is an advice columnist herself, I’m sure she won’t have any trouble explaining to her only son which dumpster his brother and sister call home.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: I am Womyn’s Studies major and, as such, don’t expect pregnancy to be an issue, are Six Meat Buffet Abortion Ten-Pac™ certificates for me?

A: Why not! Remember, it’s not about a baby, it’s all about your rights. Show the Patriarchy who’s boss and give these certificates to your friends.

Q: I hate hate HATE the Religious Right. Can I purchase the Six Meat Buffet Abortion Ten-Pac™ just to piss them off?

A: Are you kidding? Nothing tells ‘em you’ve had it with their “personal responsibility” bull more than these awesome gift certificates!

Special Founder’s Offer!

(happy abortion doctor image shamelessly stolen from INDC Journal)

PREVIOUSLY: