They guy is too buffed and the kitchen is too clean for this to be convincing, but if you can suspend your belief a bit, you’ll be ROFL.

… please enjoy this. Especially for you fans of Lord of the Rings. Watch closely for dialog from the upcoming Hobbit movie starting at about 2:00.

A little background, Mike O’Brien is an SNL writer who hosts a bizarre webcast called “Seven Minutes in Heaven”. If you’re weird like me, you may find yourself watching all his videos.

How else could you explain the constant attacks on the half-black, half-hispanic Spider Man? Sure it was cool for 60 years, but there’s a new post-racial era upon us!

And social justice for all. And not in that pansy-ass college seminar way. We’re talking cold hard cash!

Yesterday

Just like banned trans-fat, an Obama second term is good for you.

Yesterday

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss, but much, much cooler.

Yesterday

Look for the silver lining, momma always said.

Yesterday

The campaigning has begun and I think President Obama is off to a great start.

Check back tomorrow. More coming.

Remind me again – who was it who didn’t pass a budget for two years prior to her ouster as the Speaker of the House of Representin’?

House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) will demand a seat in the table for the final talks on the national debt limit, putting a strong liberal voice in the room.

Pelosi and House Democrats were left out of the negotiations between President Obama and Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) last year that extended nearly all of the Bush tax rates though 2012.

Pelosi didn’t participate in the final high-level talks over fiscal 2011 spending levels either.

But now she’s demanding her say at a time when many of her House Democratic colleagues are disappointed in Obama’s level of consultation with their caucus.

I’m sorry.  I thought the point of budget negotiations was to actually accomplish something.  Not to interject “a strong liberal voice” to ensure nothing gets done.

These protestations from the Iron Bitch who locked Republicans out of all discussions during her Reign of Error, capped off with a stroll across the capitol with a super-sized gavel while she laughed and laughed, is so rich that it deserves a tax cut.  “A strong liberal voice”, Alzheimer’s what’s the difference?

Me Neither: Remember when Madame House Frau Natasha Pelosovic allowed a "strong conservative voice" in healthcare negotiations?

Or, perhaps we should just pass the new budget so she can find out what’s in it.  Or, just “deem it” to have passed without even having to vote on it.

Here you go, Ma’am.  I found a chair that’s just about your speed.  Try not to bang it too loudly.

Code Pink approved

Now I realize that picture is a bit insensitive and probably violating ADA standards given Great-Grandmother Pelosivic’s disabilities.  Should budget negotiations drag on too long, we can make accommodations so that she can still participate without sacrificing her dignity.

Flexing her muscle, Pelosi asked for and got a meeting with Obama on Thursday morning to discuss the next phase in the negotiations.

At her age, she shouldn’t be flexing so much though I do concede that she knows how to make a stink if she doesn’t get her way.

With one well placed bullet, a gay-ass, lame father’s day gift becomes much more – well – fun.

Though lying low since their inauspicious arrival in 1982, their hour is at hand. In response to growing union influence, the Koch Brothers sent the activation code and now all hell will break loose.

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. We’re about to start the bonus round on It’s Different!

Our contestants are the best of the best from liberal intelligentsia, media and journalism. I’ll pose a series of questions and you choose the best answer.

Let’s begin!

(more…)

What a media circus that was, eh?

Being the Six Meat Buffet, we are obligated to say something. Sadly, in my case, that something isn’t meaningful.

But hey, Doug Ross notes that this weiner tossing is nothing new.

If you are enjoying this Memorial Day Cranky style, and by that I mean holed up indoors in a fashion that makes Ted Kaczynski uneasy, let me humbly share my cheers and jeers from the free instant queue. Due to the ennui, each review will be limited to five words.

Daybreakers – Corporations are the real bloodsuckers.

Grown ups – Rock, Sandler, James, Spade – wasted.

Cop Out – Buddy film with no buddies.

Kick Ass – Awesomely clever, fun child endangerment.

Predator 2 – No steroids for you, Danny.

Legion – Whoa, what Bible says that?

RoboCop – Campy action never gets old.

Another gem stolen from iOwnTheWorld.

Celebrities who look like they (probably) smell.

Some signs just annoy me. Not sure why.

Is this the ironic 40? Maybe it’s scare quotes. You know how those “40″ year olds are…

Is this supposed to reassure me? It’s like the no “firearms beyond this point” sign I saw at a post office. You brought the gun this far, odds are you’re in for the haul. The sign won’t cut it.
However, if the sign also said, “but you, our customer, should consider doing so as well”, then maybe it could be seen as a bit more friendly.

Is this a riddle? Tell me O Great Sphinx of the Department of Parking and Revenue. If I don’t park for two hours, do I attain immortality?

Check out this gem for you fans of MST2K. It helps to be a sci-fi geek, but certainly isn’t mandatory. Enjoy!

“PolitiZoid – Mystery Presidential Theater” from RightChange on Vimeo.

Found at IOwnTheWorld

So we can’t see OBL’s splodeydome because it would inflame the LGF comments threads, the  goatbuggering Arab Sodomy Fields Street.

How about if we had him in an open casket funeral provided that the closed half was covered by an American flag?  Or, maybe if we dressed his corpse up in women’s panties and threw it on top of a big  pile of Abu Ghraib prisoners with Lindy’s dangling cigarette hanging over him?

Since neither photos of flag-draped coffins or prisoner abuse concerned Obama with international backlash, or threats to our troops and ambassadors abroad, this would have seemed like a safe compromise.

And then, in accordance with Islamic practice, we could have strapped a bomb to his remains and tossed him in a Beslan schoolhouse.

/Because of 16 hours of rawmuscleglutular and courageously gritty sleep deliberation!

And Obamacare would need to cover the Dent Doctor to pull all the dings out of her hail-damaged ass.

Bill Maher uttered a female vulgarism when referring to former Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin on his HBO show Friday night.

“Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade ‘Tsunami,’” Maher said. “I mean she said, ‘These ‘Tsunamians’ will not get away with this.’ Oh speaking of dumb tw**s, did you…”

Maher was offering an imagined Palin response in an apparent attempt at humor, as Palin had made no such statement.

The National Organization for Women (NOW) refused to comment on Maher’s use of the derogatory term. A rep told FOXNews.com it is a “known fact” that NOW does not correspond with FOX News.

This is from a midget who beats up his black hookers.

I know what you’re thinking. How dare I call her dumb? After all, wasting an Ivy League education majoring in Sociology and minoring in Afro-American Studies (oOooOoo, so hard) as a literal affirmative action placement because her brother played on Princeton’s basketball team and got her enrolled means she’s smart about pimping her race and doesn’t that count?

Umm, no. No it doesn’t.

But NOT, formerly NOW, now known as the National Organization of Twats has no comment on Maher’s remarks.

I expect no less from the hypocritical cunts who exiled Tammy Bruce so they could support OJ Simpson murdering his ex-wife.

NAG, NAG, NAG Update: NOT reluctantly renounces Bill Maher’s comments once asked by a reporter not from Fox News.  And I do mean reluctantly:

In the wake of Bill Maher’s tasteless slur against Sarah Palin Friday night, in which he called the former Alaska governor a “twat,” the National Organization for Woman (NOW) has not only denounced the use of such sexist words, but also issued a warning to conservatives who they believe are attempting to use the issue to discredit their organization: “We are on to you, right-wingers.”

“Listen, supposedly progressive men (ok, and women, too): Cut the crap! Stop degrading women with whom you disagree and/or don’t like by using female body terms or other gender-associated slurs,” Lisa Bennett, NOW communications director wrote in a statement.

In addition to chastising men (and women) like Maher who use their position as progressives as a shield against charges of sexism, NOW made it clear that their denouncement of Maher’s sexist remark toward Palin is in no way an endorsement of her or conservative policies.

“You’re trying to take up our time getting us to defend your friend Sarah Palin. If you keep us busy defending her, we have less time to defend women’s bodies from the onslaught of reproductive rights attacks and other threats to our freedom, safety, livelihood, etc,” wrote Bennett. “Sorry, but we can’t defend Palin or even Hillary Clinton from every sexist insult hurled at them in the media. That task would be impossible, and it would consume us. You know this would not be a productive way to fight for women’s equal rights, which is why you want us stuck in this morass.”

They certainly do seem to have a stick up their morass.  So that’s one line about Maher and then a paragraphs long rant against conservatives for pointing out their hypocrisy.

Juanita Broaddrick is still available for comment, Clinton coddlers.

Why, when you justify bypassing Congress to authorize the use of force under the War Powers Act, silly.

Just don’t call it a war and it’s not a war.

/Because of Teh Optics! ™

And speaking of Teh Optics, Preznint My Pet Goat can dispatch those rumors about not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time.  He can start Not-A-War and play with kids’ balls at the same time.

I assure you – we are in the very best of hands, er, feet.

And watch out kids, remember – Obama’s a pedal-phile after all.

I don’t know what got into Andrew McCarthy but whatever it was it’s been building up for some time:

Is there anything richer than a gaggle of smarmy progressives snickering at the conservative “Constitution fetish”? “Fetish” is the fashionable Left’s latest suggestive imagery turned talking point, a dig at the new Republican majority in the House, which began its session this week by reading the Constitution aloud. It’s as if Dracula were complaining about a crucifix fetish.

Look into my eyes.  I’ve been fantasizing about repealing your mammoth, heaving, soapy penumbras all day.

McCarthy then proceeds to brutalize the pervy progressive projectionists, not unlike Jodie Foster in The Accused, with some of the more depraved hits they laid down on their metaphoric mattresses.

Yea.  Look at yourself in the mirror you dirty little tramps.

Explaining (sort of) why Blackmun’s iconic Roe v. Wade decision simply had to be preserved despite its void of support in law and logic, they wrote: “At the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life.” You’re telling me you think James Madison could compete with that?

Jimmy Jam was always spittin’ Mad game but Blackmun was Supafly TNT in the legal sack.

And would that it were just a fetish. In 2005, the justices sparked public outrage by ruling that government kleptocrats could seize private property in order to increase the tax haul — er, I mean, for sustainable community development. Was this really an appropriate invocation of eminent domain? Shouldn’t the people’s representatives rein in this blatant judicial overreach? Once and future minority leader Nancy Pelosi was astonished at such impertinent questions. “It is a decision of the Supreme Court,” she harrumphed. “It is almost as if God has spoken.”

Nothing makes San Fran Nan aka Madam Nasty Pelosivic start screaming “Oh God” faster than 6 men in black robes (and three kinda, sorta women) waving their gavels over her head.  All public holes filled with unappealable adjudication that’s bound to test the nation’s gag reflex.

Her courtroom climax?  Precedent setting.

Check it all out.  It’s in the NRO After Dark section.

Open question:  Where do you keep your Constitutions?  Personally, I keep my main one between my mattress and box springs.  An extra one in a sock drawer.   Every year I keep getting older but they keep staying the same age.

Who’s Your (Founding) Daddy? Yea.  You like that dontcha?

Well, the Twelve Days are officially over.  If by “over”, you mean that we heard the voice of the American people in the last election but the clock is already out and we’re still cramming our agenda down your throat.  Still, sometimes you realized you forgot something on Christmas morning.

To that end, everybody loves a 2-pak. No, not the one with the bulletholes in him (though I ain’t got nuttin but love for ya homie) who doesn’t get anymore Christmases – but the kind you can still overnight from Amazon in time to claim it got delayed by shipping and that you’re not a thoughtless lout.

Thankfully, Steven Spielberg has decided to focus his Industrial, Light & Magic on his greatest special effects project to date.  Namely, re-branding the Democrats from being punished for their success.  It’s all about the optics, A-holes.  Keep telling yourself that.

Optics with 5.1 Dolby in Anamorphic Widescreen 2.35:1!

Richard Trumka is in a race against time in search of the Lost Gold of Jimmy Hoffa.   Thanks to a government subsidy and a supporting cast from the Screen Actor’s Guild, the AFL-CIO, the Las Vegas Culinary Institute and Working for Change – they’ll kill any disorganized, crumbsnatching boogerpickers who get in their way.  “Union goon” always sounds so harsh, but Trumka and his buddies aren’t goons at all – they’re Goonies!

***********

It all seemed like a dream in 1982.  At the peak of his powers, Spielberg held the mirror of our cruel sense of humanity in our faces as Elliot gave a handout of Reese’s Pieces to the world’s favorite illegal alien.  The foreign, diseased menace hopped into the basket of a bicycle and pedaled his way to sweet foreign freedom in the shadow of the moon with the underage teen.

But like every other “self-deporting” alien, he’s back.  And this time, he’ll capture our hearts as he captures his green card.  He is, E.T. – the Extwa Tewwestwial:

A repeal of DADT has cleared the way for E.T. to get his citizenship so it’s off to bootcamp as Steven Spielberg in no way, shape or form intends to help Nancy Pelosi from looking like she wants to sell-out unemployed Americans during The Second Great Depression by offering free college educations and citizenship to illegal aliens.

Barney Frank stars in the role he was born to play.  Frank re-teams with the hit director fresh off their success in the straight to DVD sci-fi cult classic, Close Encounters of the Turd Kind.

Experience the pride and movie magic again as E.T. flashes his photo ID for a government discount to Fire Island and his glowing middle finger to Red America’s backwards values while on shore leave.  Rekindle the awe-inspiring innocence of your youth as E.T. phones homo.

Coming Soon from The Spielberg Collection

- Scheduled Release March 2010:  Years of plastic surgery have left the most powerful woman in the free world horribly disfigured as she assumes Speaker of the House.  You’ll experience true terror as Spielberg digitally spackles over God’s mistakes in “Jaws”.

-  He’s on a bike wearing a helmet, he’s on a surfboard, er, wearing a helmet, he’s eating a hamburger while wearing a helmet!  There’s no telling where you’re going to find President Obama where he’s not wearing a helmet as Tom Hanks plays a tenacious congressional investigator tracking down the President to ask him why a federal case against voter intimidation was dismissed after it was already won in “Catch Me If You Can”.  You’d be surprised what some people can get away with by forging a few documents.  Release date:  Fall 2011

It falls on the house Jew to give you this year’s Christmas greeting. Oh well, it beats going out for Chinese food tonight.

Here you go. Enjoy! Seriously, enjoy.

Leading the Free World is hard! Just ask every journalist who railed that “W” spent too much time on his Crawford ranch. Putz Putt Golf (recommended for ages 3-5) is an educational and fun way to teach your kids important work/life balance skills – just like the President!

Young players will wind their way around 18 holes while avoiding “bummers” that could ruin their leisure.

As the North Koreans pound Seoul, Obama must skillfully maneuver the sand trap on a brutal par 5 or else a meekly worded letter to the U.N. won’t be drafted in time. As China backs their play on disputed fishing territories, Obama risks a birdie on a long Par 3 by putting a lot of top spin on the ball with his 9 iron. Will he reach the pin in time to avert nuclear catastrophe?

Other great gift ideas!
International Sorry!
Call of Duty: Slack Ops
Death Panel