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I have not watched MadTV since their first season. Had I known that they were this un-PC, I may have watched them more. I don’t think SNL has been this irreverent since the 70s.
Now if only they could bring David Herman back.
Tuesday, 8 am
Daughter: Dad, could you pass the butter?
Dad: Listen sweetie, I asked you to pass the sugar three times. You want the [deleted] butter? You pass the [deleted] sugar. That’s how it works in this household.
Daughter: [Mutters unintelligibly and shoves sugar bowl across table]
Mom: Oh, I just remembered. Verizon called again. They say the check you said you sent them still hasn’t arrived yet. If they don’t get the check by the end of this month, they’ll cut off the phone service.
Dad: Cut me off? Cut ME off? If those [deleted]suckers are trying to censor my right to free speech, they won’t get a nickel from me. Forget them. I’m switching to AT&T.
Mom: AT&T terminated our service three months ago.
Dad: That’s it, I’m calling ActionNews. [Dials ActionNews 800 ConsumerWatch™ Hotline] Hello? Yeah, listen the phone company is threatening to cut off my phone service in the dead of winter. It wouldn’t be so bad, except that my wife is in third-stage kidney failure and we’re waiting for the call from the hospital.
Daughter: Dad, could you PLEASE just pass the butter?
Tuesday 6:45 pm
Mom: I swear I had $45.00 in my purse. Hon, have you seen it?
Dad: I didn’t take it.
Mom: I didn’t say you did. Say, when did that marble statue of you get here? No way that is staying in the living room. Did you just buy this?
Dad: What the [deleted] is this? You remind me of that scene in that movie where that guy is being beaten and harrassed by people and he says, “forgive them father, they know not what they do”.
Mom: The Passion of the Christ?
Dad: Yeah.
Mom: So I’m guessing you have no idea where the money in my wallet went?
Dad: I didn’t take it! And listen, I’ll need $150 more to pay the delivery charges on my monument.
My only question is which one is on the receiving end?
I guess I’m going to have to quit calling her Omarosa and call her Knuckles.
h/t Chris
… check out the Museum of Communism. The ads may be misleading but they have a distinctly capitalist brilliance about them.
I’m not really surprised that the trust fund baby didn’t get the NY Senate seat, but I am a little surprised. It would have been fun to watch. She could stammer around on the Senate floor saying “You know…” over and over again. In fact, she could have meetings with the Obamessiah and it would go something like this:
Obamessiah: Uh…. uhhh… um….
Kennedy: You know… um… you know….
Obamessiah: Uh…….. uh uhh uuuuuuh … Change!
Kennedy: You know… Uh….. You know…. Policy…. uh….I’m a Kennedy, you know? You know…
It would be fascinating.
But mostly, she just reminds me of Katherine Ross from the Graduate, if Ross had been attacked by Indonesian muslims who threw acid on her face. Yeah, I know, that’s a little harsh. Blame the bourbon.
And then, as they say, hilarity ensues.
If it didn’t have a happy ending, I wouldn’t have posted it, because you know, we’re much more classy than that.
Shucks, that boy can write.
Teaser:
Having withstood the scorching blasts of the monster Jeremiad at Chicago,
Harvard Law proved no challenge for our hero; he was named beloved of the faculty,
For at the Isle of Harvard they eat that “community organizer” shit right up.
He returned to the Isle of Chicago with his magic Harvard talisman,
Small of heft but able to open any door.
Bumped & Updated II
Here is Spidey vs Obamatron as it was meant to be.
A teaser:
This will be a collectible fer sure!
Update:
If you liked this comic, then it was inspired by the conservative comic Genius, Jim Treacher.* He is doing well in the Best Humor blog category and could use your vote. Once taken for dead, Treacher blazed back when this whole Palin thing became news.
* If not, then please disregard. I did this myself while huffing nail polish.
Go to jail!
This was forwarded to me by someone who will remain anonymous – apparently these mugshots all came from the Chicago P.D. They had a more difficult time finding mugshots with Bush or McCain shirts/buttons for some reason.
I wonder if any of these perps will be at the inauguration – and how will the D.C. police handle the overcrowding?
If so, please notify your nearest special prosecutor.
Last Known Whereabouts: Hiding behind his children.
Known accomplices: Barack Obama aka Barry Soetoro, aka Chesty McBreasticles, aka The Beige Unicorn
Perhaps if once – once – papers would defy their “conventional wisdom” and write a story that didn’t fall back on their own preconceived notions, people might be a little more interested in what they’re saying.
I mean, isn’t it a given that Republican presidencies cause homelessness, that there is only one rational opinion in the abortion debate and that poverty is the root cause of terrorism?
UPDATE: Bumped up to include new headlines plus a link to the offender’s home pages (click the by-line) (oops, still a bug or two to work out).
Bite me Associated Press, you got nuthin’!
Am I the only one who recognizes the danger of the Cult of Snuggie?
This is beautiful on so many levels. Our service people are the best.
Many thanks to the Jawas.
Move over, all you other fragrances, it’s time for the only stench that is approved by this here blawg. It’s Flame, the new meat-scented body spray. Grab a piece and slide off.
Not recommended for vegetarians, Flame is being promoted as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broilled meat”.
…
The site proudly proclaims to prospective buyers: “The Whopper sandwich is America’s favourite burger,” before going on to extol the virtues of a perfume that smells like cooked meat.
“Flame by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold … now you can set the mood for whatever you’re in the mood for.”
When your woman says she wants a piece of meat, go the extra mile.
Legendary hothead Paul Anka got put on ice er, got ice put on him this weekend after he called the police on his much younger and hotter wife for walking around in public without her leash on:
Paul Anka’s wife was arrested after the Ottawa-born singer was cut in the head by a piece of ice during a recent domestic dispute, but prosecutors say they won’t pursue the case.
Anka was struck during an argument with his wife, Anna Anka, after an ice bucket fell to the floor on Nov. 28, according to the gossip website tmz.com. Anka went to the hospital, where he received stitches.
That last line makes no sense. Was he on the floor? Ah:
Our sources say during the brouhaha, an ice bucket hit the ground and Anna picked up a piece of ice and threw a fast ball, hitting Paul in the noggin.
Either way, that ice bucket sliced like a hammer and that guy’s gonna need a new shirt. If she’d topped off her bucket wielding rampage with “that’s just the way it is” or “don’t make a maniac out of me” she would have been freed on grounds of poetic justice.
The obligatory Noisetank audio which you can’t really appreciate this lighthearted domestic violence episode without the full context.
And for the uninitiated, the complete Anka discography.
Gov. Rod Blagojevich and his perpetually pottymouth princess went about their bribery and expletive-laced business today as the State of Illinois applauded his strong union work ethic despite naysayers demanding he take paid double-time OT (with comp time) off.
Gov. Blagojevich: “I didn’t f^@*#!*% quit when Je$$e Junior only offered me $500,000 and I ain’t gonna quit now on the 16 percent of the people that still believes in me,” an incredulous and difficult to pronounce Blagojevich explained. “Aint’ that right, Patty?”
Patricia Blagojevich: “$^@#*&#@!”
Gov. Blagojevich: “That’s my girl. So go ahead and tape my conversations. Cause I dont’ give a f^@#. These f^@*#!*% distractions from the tired old m@%^#*f^@*#!*% politics of the past are not what’s important to the undocumented f^@*#!*% busting their tails at one of our many troubled screen door factories. All they want to f^@*#!*% know is that they ain’t got no problems and that I’m on the m@%^#*f^@*#!*% !
“Now if you’ll excuse me, me and the little lady gots some f^@*#!% hard g*dd@*##d works to do for da peoples of Illinois.”
Mrs. Blagojevich: “Now get off my m@%^#*f^@*#!*% stoop you inky-pawed sh!tferrbrained….*slam!*
When reached for comment President-elect Obama blasphemed his own omnipotence by testifying that Gov. Blagojevich was never like this during the many years they rubbed scented oils on each other and smoked Newports highjacked off a mid-town truck in the cholera infested hottub of Chicago politics.
I was just tipped by blog friend Leo Oshkosh that his sources in Hawaii have uncovered the Obamessiah’s much-disputed real Birth Certificate.
Due to the controversial and explosive (no, that is not a crack on Bracky’s muslim faith) nature of this document, we have had to put it below the fold for legal reasons.
I don’t have much time because I think they’re on to me. Let me just get this out quickly. I’m sitting in an uncannily good facsimile of a Panera Bread in a suburb just north of Indianapolis.
If my well-trained urban senses weren’t so sharp, I might be lulled into believing I’m in civilization instead of some surreal twilight-zone joke.
As I sit here hacking away on my daughter’s pink Sony VAIO, my family lay asleep at my wife’s sister’s house. Across from me sits a man laughing at his Blackberry. I spy the mousse in his hair and can overhear his conversation. I know he must be stranded here on his way to or from California because people at the Steak ‘n Shake across the parking lot can hear him too. Listening intently, I hear him intone “real estate” and “my partners” at a whisper just above the sound of a Airbus passing overhead. Yep. Californian.
I have to give it to he Indians here, their attention to detail and eye for minutiae is mindblowingly good. But something just seems wrong. The woman at the counter taking my order is neither rude nor ironic. In fact, I think they modeled her after this character.
There are several people pecking away at their laptops, again, almost convincingly. Like children banging away at a Fisher Price keyboard, I know that these well-intentioned but primitive people could not be actually accessing the Internet. It is a known fact that Japanese electronics just doesn’t function from the dead zone that begins East of Harrisburg and runs to the Sierra Nevada range.
The dead giveaway comes when I hear a man speaking in a strange accent. “Must be a systems analyst from Bangalore,” I mistakenly think. Casting a glance sideways, I realize how wrong, wrong, wrong this all is. He’s a sixty-ish man with blue eyes and fair complexion! “What the Hell is going on here?” I almost say aloud. White people don’t speak this way!
I need only to make it to Saturday. The simplistic kindness, cleanliness and safety of this place is killing me. Oh to get back to Philly. I need to be roughed up on the subway by some Italian union labor or share a good cry with one of my “artistic” co-workers.
See you this weekend.
If this doesn’t get you going this morning, then nothing will.
Awesomeness.
h/t Mrs. Holmes
Once upon a time collecting hummels, Precious Moments dolls, and faberge eggs used to be all the Certificate of Authenticity you needed to grant you involuntary incarceration to a padded cell of your legal guardian’s choosing.
But for those who’ve never soared the heights of the hummelian, the passport from your emotional ghetto is just a phone call and $19.95 away. You never thought it would happen but it did.
And, if I’m paraphrasing Reverend Wright correctly, there’s not a g*dd@mned thing you can do about it.
“His confident smile and kind eyes are an inspiration to us all.”
Kind of like when a butterfly lands on a retarded kid’s head.
Yes, the Barack Obama Commemorative plate. You can’t own slaves anymore but don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t own a piece of Barack Obama.
Historic Victory Plate™ is a treasured collectible work of art that can be proudly displayed on shelves, table tops or can be hung on a wall.
I’m pretty sure even hanging a picture of Barack Obama on a wall would be considered a hate crime in Kentucky. Let’s say we just prop him up in the china hutch lest the mantle by the fireplace remind us too much of Mississippi Burning.
Included with your plate is a bonus display stand and Certificate of Authenticity from the American Historic Society promises you’ll own a collectible of the highest quality and integrity.
Indeed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a plate with so much integrity on it before. Just for the psychological warfare factor, the entire current generation of kids should be forced to eat their vegetables off of Obama’s gravy visage. They’ll learn to overcome that broccoli and that there ain’t no cauliflower high enough.
Don’t tell me you can’t eat those vegetables, Timmy. Yes, you can. And you’re not getting up from this table until you do.
I have a dream that one day red beans and yellow squash, white kidney beans and black-eyed peas can rest comfortably against each other in public without worrying about what society thinks. Thank god almighty – free at last.
And if that doesn’t work out, come April 15th it’s going to make a handy offering tray.
Let’s face it – you’ve got a 25% chance of getting it right without being a credentialed meteorologist. And much like MTV giving up music videos in favor of programs like The Real World and The Hills, the Weather Channel gave up forecasting the weather in favor of reruns of 1998′s Storm of the Century as if one dude standing ankle deep in the surf during a hurricane looks different from one year to the next.
If only the major news organizations and auto companies could run the federal government the way they’ve run their businesses, we might finally have the kind of leadership that could layoff enough employees to fix the deficit and follow the Constitution:
The Weather Channel Federal Government , which NBC Universal bought in September, has laid off some of its staff. It is unclear how many people were cut or whether they are receiving a severance package.
…
“The economic realities of recent months have created challenges for everyone in our business the federal government. In addition, when NBC Universal purchased the Weather Channel federal government earlier this year, we expected that there would be cost synergies as part of company reorganization. While it is always difficult to lose valued employees, we are doing our best to minimize the impact, and remain committed to providing the highest quality content constitutionally limited programs that our viewers the taxpayers have come to expect from the Weather Channel Uncle Sam.”
There. Fixed it.
So our country is going to hell in a handbasket. It was just a matter of time anyway. Put all that mess aside and enjoy some Chic…
NOT-SO-FRIVOLOUS UPDATE:
Unrelated music news, the last of the Jimi Hendrix Experience has gone to join his bandmates. RIP Mitch Mitchell.
His frenetic drumming was the bedrock of Hendrix’s music. Mitchell treated the drums more like a lead instrument than the rhythm section.
The late 61-year-old provided a brilliant counterpoint for Hendrix’s unique guitar sound.
…
Just five days before his death he had been playing a series of dates with the Experience Jimi Hendrix tour in the US, reaching a new generation of fans.
Life is hard growing up in a liberal household. You can ask some of my relatives (who will go unnamed, lest they lose their shot at a spot on the state Supreme Court).
Check out Diversity Lane regularly for a taste of how tough it really is to keep your lefty street cred and grow up a proper Marxist. We’re adding it to the blogroll for good measure. Main site can be found at diversitylane.com. Good stuff, Zack!
My boy Ron Hart brings it.
This election has made one alarming thing clear to me: We have evolved into two differing groups of people. There are those who are independent, self-reliant, hard working and who expect little, if anything, from the government; and then there is the burgeoning class of folks who believe that they should be taken care of by others, namely the government. It seems the government-dependent, welfare state contingent just won the right to rule the country, dealing an ominous setback to the productive members of society. I guess it began in 1999, when Congress made Fannie Mae a social program and the American dream of owning a home became a right. The “right ” of health care is next; what could possibly go wrong with government involvement there?
Where you fall in this category depends entirely on your definition of two words: need and greed. “Greedy” is what 49 percent of the people are who want to keep more of the money that they earn; “need” is the excuse of the other 51 percent for taking more of that money.
Now, aren’t you greedy bastards ashamed of yourselves? RTWT.
