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Preston Taylor Holmes
Knoxville, TN

The Cranky Neocon
Philadelphia, PA

Brian McMurphy
Nashville, TN

Nigel
San Diego, CA

TinyElvis
The O.C., California

Yiddish Steel
San Diego, CA

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Parts Unknown, California



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Archive for the ‘Football Friday’ Category



Football Friday

September 2nd, 2012 at 5:00 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

FLASHBACK/UPDATE:

I am re-posting this Football Friday Flashback from September of 2008. Our brother Nigel and I had a bet over the UCLA/UT game (one in which UCLA humiliated us on national television), after which, Nigel sent me a UCLA shirt to post on the blog. We found out this weekend that Nigel passed away after a battle with cancer and though we are heartbroken for his wife and boy, we know the example that he has set as a man of God means that he has been called home. Our prayers go out Nigel’s family.


Where all the people have went?

It was a mysterious week last week at Neyland Stadium. The family and I had a good time, but home-opener attendance had to be in the low 80K’s. Even in the dark days of 2005 I don’t remember seeing this many empty seats. I had a feeling something was up when we kept walking by scalpers offering “buy one, get one free”. Not a good sign for the UT A.D.

Unfortunately, after this week’s slaughter, scalpers will be paying you to take the tickets off their hands. Gaytors 44 Vols 21. Some folks are still convinced that Fulmer has one more rabbit to pull out of his hat, but I believe that the rabbit he’s going to pull out is going to have been dead for weeks and will be covered in maggots.

Last week I did pretty well, going 4/5, but was dead wrong on ND/Michigan. Didn’t see that coming.

Elsewhere…

  • LSU 22 Auburn 14Auburn looked a lot worse than I expected against Mississippi State. Expect an LSU victory. This will give Auburn something to be pissed off about next week when the Vols crest the hills of Opelika.
  • Sun Devils 27 Georgia 24Stafford is not the horse that Kelley Washington was. Overrated Bulldaggas go down in the desert. Or possibly not.
  • Alabama 28 Arkansas 17It’s the battle of the SEC teams with exactly the same uniforms. I can never tell who has the ball in this one so I’m not watching.
  • Ole Miss 19 Vandy 14Ole Miss still has the hottest – and dumbest – chicks in the SEC. Oh, and they’ll win this one.

When Jeff Fisher announced last week that we’ll be staying with Kerry Collins into the forseeable future, I thought it was the right move. Once VY spends a few weeks in therapy and learns that he’s not the center of the universe, we can move him back up to second string. The Titans’ defense is looking better than I expected – particularly up front – and even with Collins, I’m starting to smell playoffs.

Luckily, we have a week off this week – Titans 27 Texans 14.

I sucked out loud in last weeks pro picks – 2/5. Hopefully this week will be better.

  • Dallas 34 Packers 31That Cowboys/Eagles game Monday night was excellent. This one should be just as good.
  • Denver 24 ‘Aints 17I’m starting to think that Jay Cutler may indeed be the second coming of Elway. Or at least Craig Morton.
  • Nigel’s Chargers 29 Jets 14If the refs don’t interfere in this one and try to fix the game for Brett “Golden Boy” Favre, the Chargers should roll.
  • Eagles 31 Steelers 21The Steelers were underwhelming against the Browns last week and the Iggles actually looked pretty good. Steelers go down in the battle of Pennsyltucky.

UCLA BET UPDATE:

In fine Six Meat bet-losing tradition, I am making good on my promise to our brother Nigel. UCLA beat us down fair and square three weeks ago (and then lost to BYU 59-0, doesn’t that make us look even better) so it is my duty to don the UCLA colors. Thanks to Nigel for sending me the shirt.

(more…)

Breaking: Football Players Are Stupid

November 12th, 2009 at 10:29 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

Well, not all of them, just a very healthy percentage.

Three freshman Vols arrested, two charged with armed robbery.

KNOXVILLE – Three University of Tennessee football players this morning face attempted armed robbery charges

Janzen Jackson, Michael Edwards and Nu’Keese Richardson, all 18, were charged this morning after an armed robbery attempt at a Pilot station on Cumberland Avenue, according to the Knoxville Police Department.

Each player faces three counts of attempted armed robbery.

UT Athletic Director Mike Hamilton released a statement this morning about the episode.

“At this time we are currently evaluating the circumstances surrounding an incident involving Mike Edwards, Janzen Jackson and Nu’Keese Richardson,” Hamilton said. “Any decisions or comments regarding their status will not be made until the evaluations are complete.”

Both Richardson and Jackson are coming off a week in which they faced discipline from Vols coach Lane Kiffin, the former for missing a practice and the latter for a violation of team rules.

Kiffin has touted the discipline in his program and a clean arrest record as recently as Wednesday’s SEC teleconference.

Well, CLK, now’s your chance to make an example of these thugs. Your predecessor, the Great Pumpkin, would find some reason to keep these three on the team – at least, that is, if they were going to contribute. Kick these pieces of trash of the team and off campus and set the right tone for this program going forward.

Jackson was going to be the next Eric Berry, what a stupid asshole. What a trio of stupid assholes.

UPDATE:

If you want a peek into the intellectual firepower of this trio, check out Edwards’ Twitter page. Warning: Not Safe for Brain Cells. via Tony B

Football Friday

September 18th, 2009 at 9:37 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

It’s time again for Florida week. Things are not coming up roses in Big Orange Country, primarily due to the jackassery of the previous Vol regime.

First of all, and let’s face it, The Great Pumpkin left the UT football program in a state of disarray with marginal lower-level SEC talent and no discipline. When your best option at QB is Crompton, who, by all accounts is a good kid, you’re just not ready to challenge the Floridas, Alabamas and LSUs of the league. You’re not even ready to challenge the South Carolinas and Ole Misses of the league. Crompton simply can’t get it done and if Stephens can’t beat him out, we’re left with few options. (And shave that ridiculous facial hair, Crompton. You are not a member of N’Sync or NKOTB, no matter how much you fantasize about it.)

However, on the bright side, this coaching staff is taking no prisoners (heh, pun intended) when it comes to recruiting and we are looking at a serious SEC contender when 2011, 2012 roll around. Unfortunately, by then our entire economy and society will have collapsed and we won’t even be playing football, but I digress.

Speaking of the Great Pumpkin, he went down to the Daytona Beach QB club and showed what a classless, narcissistic turd he really is. Apparently he is still “P.O.’d” at what the meanies at UT did to him by giving him 6-freaking-million dollars to just go away. And he can’t even get that done. Look up classless in the dictionary and you’ll find Fulmer.

It was just two years ago that Fulmer, who posted a 152-52 record in 17 seasons as the head Volunteer, was given a contract extension by his alma mater.

Less than 10 months ago he stepped down as Tennessee’s head coach, but not necessarily willingly. UT fans and administration had become restless, and in early November he agreed to step away at the end of the season.

“I’m still PO’d to say the least. There’s probably a couple of people there that I’m not going to invite to Christmas dinner any time soon,” Fulmer said. “I’ve chosen the best I can to take the high road. I really love Tennessee, so let there be no doubt about that. It’s very much a part of me.”

Yeah, he’s chosen to take the high road by hanging around and bitching about how hard it is to decide how to spend that 6-million while sitting on his ass. Is taking the high road taking shots at Kiffin through every possible media outlet and bragging about what “great” shape he left the program in? Me no thinky so.

In fact, just five days before new coach Lane Kiffin brings his Volunteers to “The Swamp,” Fulmer said he could relate with the plight that faces Florida’s Meyer.

“(Meyer’s) doing something that I did,” Fulmer said. “You create something that’s unachievable every year. That’s certainly what he’s done from that point.”

Um, there’s another example of his complete inability to grasp reality. Meyer has dominated the game for the last several years. UT won one national championship – in spite of, not because of – its coaching staff. Al Wilson was the coach of that ’98 team and anyone paying attention understood that.

It’s time for Phil to head off into the sunset – perhaps coaching at New Mexico or even Wyoming, the school he couldn’t beat last year. Let us enjoy the excitement of rebuilding the program that you ran into the ground.

Speaking of the GATA, it’s time to take another look at that brilliant Congresswoman from the Gainesville area, Corrine Brown. She is a shining example of GATA greatness as well as one of the reasons our government is a gigantic shitpie. With representatives like this, maybe you don’t WANT them to read the bill. Go Gata!

The cupboard is bare, but I believe this coaching staff will get this team to sell out on Saturday. It won’t be enough, but as long as we smash them in the mouth a few times, that works for me. Gata 31 Vol 14

Elsewhere…

  • Texas 38 Texas Tech 28Texas will take revenge on the Red Raiders after what happened last year. Plus they have those cool looking longhorns on their helmets. Is Marshall Applewhite still their QB?
  • Georgia 29 Arkansas 14My dad once told me (well, more than once) that the only good thing to come out of Arkansas was an empty Greyhound bus.
  • Kentucky 27 Louisville 24After the game, all the players will get together and smoke some bluegrass.
  • Nebraska 24 Va Tech 22Vinnie’s Cornhuskers look to be on the rebound. I like them to continue Va Tech’s early season misery.

If you watched the Titans/Steelers game last week, you were treated to an epic battle of superior defensive play and blood and guts football. I wasn’t too disappointed to lose a close one to the Super Bowl champs – hopefully this will give the Titans some early inspiration to work even harder to improve going forward. I like the Titans to rebound this week over the Texans, 28 – 17.

Elsewhere…

  • Giants 24 Cowpokes 20It feels like the late 80′s/early 90′s again with meaningful Giants/Cowboys games. I like the Giants D to squash Romo and Co.
  • Colts 34 Fish 10You would be surprised at how many people around here are Colts fans just cuz ol’ PAAAAAAAAAYTON plays for them. That only makes me root against them on principle. No luck this week.
  • Minnesota 44 Detroit 2Brett Favre is currently the leading douchebag in all of sports (with Michael Jordan a close second). I hope Detroit at least gets some good shots in on him.
  • Steelers 24 Bears 14Da Bears will be pounded down like so much tenderloin by the Steelers’ defense. There will be blood.

And, no, Nigel, I haven’t forgotten our bet. I’ll make good next week.

Football Friday

September 4th, 2009 at 1:37 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

It’s a glorious new day on Rocky Top. The Great Pumpkin’s regime has finally been shown the door. It should have happened at the end of the 2005 season, but we’ll take what we can get.

We now have a coaching staff that is actually coaching players and demanding accountability. No longer will a high school player come in and leave the program a crappier player. That was the Fulmer system – bring in a bunch of thugs, coach ‘em down and send ‘em on to the county lock-up or head to Shoney’s to cover up their off-the-field activities. I wouldn’t even be taking shots at Fulmer if he would have gone gracefully into the history books, but he continues to rear his head in the local media and the douchebags at the Knoxville News-Sentinel and on the Sports Animal keep carrying his water and running down the new staff. Keep it up, losers. The new regime’s train is leaving the station tomorrow and you Fulmer apologists are about to get run over.

Speaking of thugs, did anyone see Oregon player LeGarrette Blount sucker punch a Boise State player last night? Video is here. That turd should be kicked out of school, period – especially after he tried to go into the stands and assaulted some cops in the process. That’s the Oregon Ducks for you, though. Nothin’ but class.

Back to the Vols, a visit from Western Kentucky is the perfect way to ease into the season. This will be a glorified scrimmage, as WKU is just plain awful. Vols win, 44-10.

Elsewhere…

  • Bama 28 Va Tech 21Unless VA Tech can score 21 points on special teams, Bama should handle the Hokies fairly easily.
  • Oklahoma State 38 Georgia 28Georgia is not going to enjoy this road trip. They lost an over-rated QB and an over-rated RB from last year’s team, so they may actually be better this year. Should be a fun game to watch.
  • Ole Miss 33 Memphis 10Is Ole Miss as good as their hype? We’ll find out soon enough. This contest has traditionally been a close one, but not this year.
  • LSU 34 Washington 17I love those late night west-coast games when I’m almost passed out from spending Saturday drinking an entire bottle of hooch. John Chavis’ LSU defense is going to put the hammer down on UW.

Breaking: Fulmer Out At UT

November 3rd, 2008 at 12:22 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Confirmed.

Phillip Fulmer, who a decade ago brought Tennessee its first national championship in 47 years, will not return as the Volunteers’ coach next year, multiple sources told ESPN.com.

An announcement is being planned for later Monday at Neyland Stadium. The Vols (3-6, 1-5 SEC) have lost four straight games and are in danger of suffering their second losing season in the last four years.

Fulmer, who has won 150 games at his alma mater and is the dean of SEC coaches, met with Tennessee officials Monday morning, and they reached a mutual agreement that it would be best for all parties if Fulmer was not back next season.

The sides also agreed that Fulmer would coach the remainder of the 2008 season.

We’ve given the Great Pumpkin a lot of crap, but he has given his all for the Orange, so the least we can do is say thanks for the memories and best of luck. Now we must go on the hunt for the Bruce Pearl of Pigskin.

Adios, Great Pumpkin

October 28th, 2008 at 5:39 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

And on Halloween too.

I’ve gotten word from two different reliable sources that the straw has apparently broken the camel’s back and this will be The Great Pumpkin’s last year as head coach of the Vols.

Obviously none of this is confirmed by the “legit” media, but I’d put at least five bucks on it. For a five dolla foot long.

My friend Patrick GhostofNeyland (sorry, Ghost) sums it up well…

I don’t know how I feel right now. This is exciting news. It’s also sad news. Phillip Fulmer is a bonafide Tennessee legend. If it’s true — and I believe it is — the change, the complete change and rebuilding phase is upon us. Keeping the recruits we’ve got committed this year, or as many as we can, will go a long way in determining the immediate future of the program. Building blocks such as Jerod Askew, David Oku, Jarvis Giles, Je’Ron Stokes, Edwin Herbert, etc. , etc. and big-name players still on the board such as Morgan Moses, Taj Boyd and Peter White (all three we possibly lead for) would go a long way in the next coach having near-immediate success upon taking over.

We loved you, Phil. But all good things must come to an end.

Fulmer gave his all for the Vols, but it’s time for some fresh blood. The old guard has been stale since 2005.

Football Friday

October 3rd, 2008 at 10:01 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

No lack of focus on this offense!

Times are as bleak as can be up on old Rocky Top. We can’t decide on a quarterback. The Great Pumpkin is muttering incoherent things like “we’re a field goal or two away from 3-1″. Recruits are cancelling their plans to come to UT. This normally Vol-football-crazed town could care less about the season at this point. I’m even pulling for Northern Illinois this weekend just to get the pending coaching change going in earnest.

When Big Orange football is in the crapper, this town is dead. Businesses lose money. People don’t go out to dinner or to get sloshed. There will probably be between 60-70K people in Neyland this weekend. We don’t need a economic bailout, we need a football bailout.

Though I am torn about this weekend’s game, I’m afraid the Vols will find a way to win, 28-17. It will be a nice break before getting beaten down like a dog by Georgia next week. Enjoy one of this season’s rare victories this week, Vol fans, because this may be as good as it gets.

Elsewhere…

  • Vandy 26 Auburn 18Vandy has come out of nowhere to start pounding people. How the hell did this happen? They will sneak past Auburn this week, only because Auburn’s offense sucks.
  • Ole Miss 31 South Carolina 24Coming off their big win down in the swamp, the Rebels will have the swagger necessary to beat the ‘Cocks.
  • Alabama 42 Kensucky 14Alabama is the real deal. Kentucky will find this out first hand this weekend.
  • Florida State 28 Miami 24This used to be a marquee game back in the day, but now it’s just four quarters of ugly.

While things are crappy on Rocky Top, things are much better down in Titantown. They’ve been able to keep Vince Young off the field and from killing himself, and as a result, we’re 4-0. The defense looks absolutely awesome this year, which is giving Collins and Co. a chance to work out the kinks and it’s working well. After beating down the Vikes last week, they have a tough test against the Ravens this week. I’ve hated the Ravens since 2000. Always will. Titans 21 Ravens 17.

Elsewhere…

  • Steelers 21 Jaguars 20The Steelers’ offense has sputtered but I believe they will get it together enough Sunday night to pull one out.
  • Cowboys 31 Bungles 20Will the lover’s quarrel between Tony Romeo and Ocho-Uno be enough for viewers to tune in? Probably not.
  • San Francisco 33 Patriots 23Unless the Pats figure out a way to cheat their way to victory for the rest of the season, it’s going to be a steady string of losses for those over-rated clowns.
  • Broncos 27 Bucs 24Though they’ve been a pleasant surprise thus far, the Bucs will be gasping for air in the Denver altitude.

And one parting comment on the current state of the Big Orange…

(more…)

Football Friday

September 12th, 2008 at 12:46 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Crompton overthrows yet another receiver

Back by unpopular demand for 2008, it’s Football Friday! Vegas bookies now officially have pee running down their legs – not unlike Chrissy Matthews from PMSNBC.

As all of us in Big Orange Country try and figure out the logic behind the Fulmer raise/extension, the team has been workin’ like heck getting ready for UAB. But we can’t steam forward without acknowledging the catastrophe that took place out at UCLA a few weeks ago.

The Vols’ game plan was to come out throwing and trying to get Crompton into a rhythm, which never happened. The offense looked like absolute crap. The defense, however, looked good for a half.

True to the traditions of the Great Pumpkin, the only adjustments we made at halftime were to change the things that were working and continue trying the things that weren’t. So we backed our defense – particularly our excellent secondary – off the ball and allowed Kevin Craft to pick us apart underneath. Additionally, when we decided we were finally going to focus on the run, we put together the only good drive of the night, which ended in a Foster fumble deep in Bruins territory.

Since Fulmer was once outcoached by a bag of peanuts thrown onto the sidelines by a Vanderbilt fan, it’s no surprise that he was light work for Norm Chow and Rick Neuheisel.

Lucky for Fulmer, his talent will carry him this week against UAB… Tennessee 37, UAB 17..

Elsewhere…

  • Southern Cal 33, Ohio State 14I would have taken USC in this one even before OSU RB Tookie Williams got hurt.
  • Auburn 29, Mississippi State 10Auburn is working out the kinks, but will have little trouble against Sylvester the Cat’s woeful Bulldogs.
  • Georgia 38, South Carolina 20If SC can drop their drawers for Vandy, Georgia will slap them silly. Silly! Sorry Steve, looks like another rough year for your visors.
  • Michigan 24, Notre Dame 21I used to dig this game, back when both teams didn’t suck out loud. Michigan will suck slightly less than the Irish and squeak out a win.

Poor Vince Young.

He’s spent his whole life as a pampered, ultra-coddled star athlete and now that he’s run into a little adversity, he’s run off and tried to hide from Coach Fisher down at Printers’ Alley.

A little booing and the media starts hitting his mom up with questions like “what’s wrong with your baby boy?”

If VY doesn’t grow up real soon and grow some thicker skin, he’ll need to head up to play for the Toronto Argonauts where nobody gives a crap. Just think if he’d been drafted by a team in real sports town like NYC or Philly?

With Kerry Collins at the helm this week, the Titans will squeak by Ocho Dumbass and his Cincy Bungles – Titans 24 Bengals 21.

Elsewhere in the big leagues…

  • New York Jets 23, New England 14I can’t stand Favre and his over-inflated ego and grandstanding, but he’s damn good. And now that Tom Brady will be off the field brewing up some more outside children, it’s going to be a rough season for the Pats. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.
  • Cowboys 27, Iggles 24This should be a good one. I’ll be tuned in just to see if Donovan McChicken and T.O. get into a scrap. That would be sweet.
  • Minnesota 27, Indianapolis 20The Colts got a wake-up call last week and I don’t believe Minnesota is going to let them up off the mat quite yet. Could it be that Peyton’s diminished surrounding cast of characters is finally coming home to roost? I guess you’ll have to axe Rev. Wright about that one.
  • Browns 22, Steelers 19I may only be picking the Browns because I want to see the upset, but I always love these old AFC Central rivalries. The Browns have enough in their tank to pull off the upset, but the Steelers could just as easily stomp them. It’s picks like this that demonstrate why I don’t have a 1-900 betting hotline.

Have a good weekend, freaks. I’ll be down at Neyland Stadium tomorrow. I’ll be wearing orange so look for me.

Let The Season Begin

September 1st, 2008 at 2:11 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes


Nigel from TGT11 has made a very serious mistake. He has bet against the Big Orange in tonight’s season opener. But since he’s one of those limpwristed UCLA types, we’ll cut him some slack.

He also reminded me that I missed Football Friday last week. I totally forgot. I’ll pick it back up for this week’s NFL season opener and full slate of college games. I know you need to know who to bet against, and I’m here for your bad gambling habits.

Let me know what shirt size to get you, Nigel. I’ll go ahead and pick it up this afternoon.

UPDATE: Bruins prevail, 27-24. I’m sure glad the Great Pumpkin got that contract extension.

Kudos to Kevin Craft, though, for a hell of a second half. Nigel, I’ll take than in an XL, please. And please cook the crow before I have to eat it.

Vols Overcome Incompetence, Head to SEC Championship

November 24th, 2007 at 7:22 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

It was horribly painful, but a W is a W, which unfortunately means four more years of Fulmer. But on the bright side, we have a shot at an inexplicable SEC Championship, however massively unlikely.

Football Friday

October 26th, 2007 at 1:48 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Vols repeatedly piledrived throughout 2007 season

I realize that many of you have been unable to place regular bets with your bookies over the last few weeks due to the lack of Football Fridays here at the Buffet. Never fear, gambling addicts, we’ve returned this week to help you rake in the dough through reverse prognostication.

It’s been a pretty depressing season for my beloved Orange. This weekend could be the final nail in the Fulmer coaching coffin. If Spurrier’s Gamecocks come in and do what I expect them to… which is win, then it’s going to be time for the staff to start cleaning out their lockers, just like Randy Sanders did two years ago. Three gangland beatdowns from Cal, Florida and a crappy Alabama team points to a staff with serious problems, no matter what happens this weekend.

Last week Fulmer was outcoached – this week, Fulmer will be outcoached for the umpteenth time by his longtime nemesis Steve Spurrier. Will the players rebound and play for their coaches and their pride and overcome the Gamecocks tomorrow night? I don’t think so. South Carolina 31, Tennessee 25.

Elsewhere…

  • Gaytors 33 Georgia 17Georgia probably won’t even keep it this close. There is a reason that Tennessee beat the living stew out of the Bulldogs and it’s not because Tennessee is that good.
  • Ohio State 27 Penn State 24This one should be good – I’ll miss it because I’ll be down at Club Neyland for the ‘Cocks game, but you should tune in.
  • Texas 33 Nebraska 30Vinnie has given up on ‘Huskers football, but they should hang in with Texas for at least three quarters or so.
  • Oregon 24 USC 21SC is down and out, it’s time for the rest of the Pac 10 to pile on.

My Titans have had a good run so far this season. I didn’t get to watch the end of the Texans’ game last week – typical stupid me.

One of my favorite memories from the old Adelphia Stadium was a Thursday night game with the Raiders (back in 1999) where the boys in blue repeatedly sacked Rich Gannon and beat the Raiders much worse than the 21-14 score indicated. I like the Titans this week against the Raiders as well – Titans 27 Raiders 17.

Elsewhere in the big leagues…

  • Indianapolis 37 Carolina 20Carolina will suffer the indignation of a Manning thrashing and will likely send hundreds of fans home in tears after their poor performance.
  • Steelers 24 Bungles 17The over-rated Bengals are going to be yet another victim of the rise of Big Ben from the football ashes.
  • New England 34 Washington 14Doug Williams continues to play well for the ‘Skins, but they’re just another log going through the Patriots’ sawmill. Heh. Log.
  • Denver 19 Pack 17This will be a fun one Monday night in the Denver snow. I just hope the Broncos put on the old orange jerseys with the vintage “D” 80s-era helmets. Favre will throw 9 interceptions.

Happy weekend, superfruits.

Football Friday

September 21st, 2007 at 11:21 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Better late than never, I suppose.

It’s a tough time to be a Volunteer fan, ladies and gentlemen. Last week, the Gaytors put on their finest skirts and gave us a beatdown the likes we haven’t seen in ages. I wasn’t sure we’d be able to stay within two touchdowns and it was a hell of a lot worse than that.

This week we try to rebound against Arkansas State. Before the season started, it looked like this one was a gimme. Not anymore, chum. I still think that Tennessee will knock State off, but I’m afraid it is going to be closer than anyone would like. In addition to that, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Vols went down in flames, Notre Dame-style. But I predict the Vols will triumph, 31-21.

Elsewhere…

  • Red Tide 24, Mary Katharine Bulldogs 17Carl Sagan’s team shocked me last week with their handling of Arkansas. I’m becoming a believer.
  • Penn State 21, Michigan 14Michigan has bounced back a bit after its rough start, but Penn State is going to bitch-slap them back to reality this week.
  • Washington 30, Nigel’s Bruins 10UCLA has begun a downhill slide that rivals even that of my beloved Big Orange. Sorry, Nigel.
  • LSU 34, South Carolina 24Carolina will keep this one close – and I wouldn’t be surprised to see a Spurrier upset here, but LSU is simply too good, I’m afraid.

I’m pleased as punch with the way the Titans played against Peyton’s Punks last week. They were in it until the last play, which says a lot about the character of Fisher’s young team. I expect the Titans to travel down to the Rape Dome on Monday night and knock off America’s team – Titans 27, Aints 17. Yeah, I know I’m supposed to fawn all over the Saints and pretend that they’re not one big sack of crap, but I ain’t gonna play that. They’re Nagin’s boys, and all that means is that they’re losers.

Elsewhere…

  • San Diego 26, Green Bay 17The Pack has had nothing but good luck so far. They’re luck is running out.
  • Colts 27, Texans 20The Texans are another young team who are showing signs of life. I like them to give the Colts a run for their money.
  • Denver 22, Jacksonville 14The Broncos will keep winning ugly. All that matters is a W, baby.
  • Dallas 34, Chicago 21I’m pulling for Chicago, but they’re looking horribly overrated this year and Dallas has some surprising firepower.

You can take this to the bank with a roll of pennies and get two shiny quarters.

Jesus Rumbles Through the Secondary…

September 17th, 2007 at 5:28 pm by TinyElvis

.. and he’s in for the score!!

After the horrific beating my Rebels took at the hands of the Vanderbilt Commodores, I offer this inspirational statue.

Jesus Is My Coach

If football isn’t your sport, there is no need to worry my friends. Luckily, a wide variety of inspirational sports statues are available.

To quote my co-worker:

The next time that I’m shopping for a young Catholic athlete, I’ll know just what you get them. I realize that “Jesus is Lord” is a difficult concept for many young minds. Something like “Jesus Is My Coach”, the tiny Caucasian man that I can tackle while playing football in the front yard is much more approachable for young Catholic athletes.

Have a terrific day!

Football Friday

September 14th, 2007 at 3:18 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Cranky is right. Friday is for frivolity and football. So on we go to this week’s Football Friday.

The news ain’t too good for us Vol fans, though, heading into Gaytorville. As a local sportstalk host told me over a bowl of gumbo earlier in the week, he thinks the Vols will lose by two touchdowns tomorrow in Gaynesville. I hope we can keep it that close. It will likely be in the neighborhood of Florida 38 Vols 28 or something to that effect.

Ainge and the Orange offense have played pretty well thus far, but the Tennessee defense has been woeful, despite the one good half played against Southern Miss last week. Unfortunately, I just don’t see us outscoring the Gaytors with a defense like ours. I’m not happy about it, either.

Elsewhere…

  • Huskers 27 Trojans 24Vinnie’s boys will upset Rusty’s over-rated Trojans. Take it to the bank, Shackleford.
  • Arkansas 27 Alabama 21Carl Sagan has turned the Tide around in light speed, but not enough to overcome the Hogs.
  • Louisville 75 Kentucky 73These two basketball schools will continue to light up the scoreboard as neither team has an actual defense.
  • Notre Dame 23 Michigan 17In a game that would ordinarily be big-time if both teams didn’t suck, Casey’s little brother will have his coming out party and the Irish will pull one out of their ass at Michigan’s expense. Just as it should be.

I’d love to predict that my beloved Titans will be knocking off the defending Super Bowl champs this weekend, but it just isn’t in the cards. The Titans’ defense isn’t ready, though I expect Chris Brown and Vince Young to keep us in the game for 3 quarters or so. Colts 34 Titans 24.

Elsewhere…

  • Green Bay 24 Giants 20Poor Eli got a boo boo. Giants lose.
  • Denver 19 Oakland 11This used to be one of my favorite games in the 80′s and 90′s when Elway used to beat the hell out of the Raiders twice a year.
  • San Diego 31 New England 24The Pats won’t be able to cheat this week.
  • Dallas 33 Miami 19When did Dallas get good? Who is this Romo guy? it’s all very confusing.

Happy Friday, all you faggots!

Football Friday

August 31st, 2007 at 1:02 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

It’s that time of year. There’s a smell in the air. And it’s not just the usual smell of feet. It’s the smell of pigskin flying through the air, end-over-end and through the uprights. It’s the sound of necks breaking on gridirons from coast to coast. It’s the time of year for Senators to leave the glory holes of Summer behind and get back to Washington to rob us of more income and freedom.

It’s also that time of year when it gets cooler in the mornings and the wasps crawl around on the ground because it’s too cold to fly, which gives me the opportunity to stomp them to death without the possibility of being stung. I love that.

Anyway, back to football season. Vol fans everywhere are filled with the anticipation of yet another season under the guidance of the Great Pumpkin. Will we win the East this year? Will we finish 4th and lose to Vanderbilt again? Both of these are plausible. Will we be able to run the ball this year, or will we continue to suck at the line of scrimmage? Will Erik Ainge be hampered this Saturday by his broken finger?

One thing is certain, our front seven on defense will be solid, but the secondary is up for grabs. If our tailbacks can stay out of prison long enough, we may have a running game – but our receivers are a big question mark.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a good feeling about tomorrow’s nationally-televised battle with Cal. It will be close, but the Gay Bay Bears will squeak out a victory, 22-17. Take heart, though, Vol fans, I’m usually wrong about these things.

Elsewhere in the NCAA….

  • Ga Tech 22 Notre Dame 17I like the upset here. Notre Dame has lost too many players and little Jimmy “The Pickle” Klaussen is likely out for the season, so they’re starting over.
  • Georgia 31 Oklahoma State 20I’m picking UGA in this one because (1) they’re playing at home and (2) Cristi at work is wearing a tight-fitting Georgia shirt. That’s enough for me.
  • Florida State 2 Clemson 0Is everyone as sick as I am of the Bowdens? I wish all of those Bowden bastards would get out of coaching. They’ve done enough damage to the pristine image of College Football for one generation.

Last but not least, Ole Miss will knock off the Memphis State Tigers, 13 – 10. This game is always bizarre – and it’s shocking to me that Brent Schaeffer got knocked down the depth chart by a walk-on, but that’s how it goes when you don’t do your homework. The Rebels will win because every chick I’ve ever known that went to Ole Miss was hotter than hell and dumber than a stump. Evidence:

HOTTY TODDY INDEED.

SAT AM UPDATE:

ESPN Gameday is broadcasting from Virginia Tech this morning, in yet another politically correct move meant to curry favor with the gun-grabber lobby. They could have gone to a location where there was an actual game, but better to keep the “tragedy” story going as long as possible.

Stream of Consciousness Thoughts While Watching the BCS Championship Game

January 8th, 2007 at 8:26 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

refresh for updates

Florida driving again and I’m tired of typing. I’m going to go enjoy this game without the trappings of a laptop. Good evening to you, ladies and gentlemen. May you avoid the fate that these birds suffered. Plenty more birds where those came from anyway.


OSU defense holds Florida and forces puntage. 9:39 to go in the 2nd and the tide could be turning. Additionally, here is an editorial by a tree.


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Vanquished!

December 1st, 2006 at 9:31 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Vengeance is a dish best served cold… No, wait. Actually, it’s best served piping hot like the combo dinner I just picked up from Casa Don Gallo right down the street.

MKH finally pays the piper for her Georgia Bulldogs’ brutal defeat earlier in the season. She’s a woman of her word. One of her many strong suits….

Thanks, MKH!

Football Friday (Night)

November 10th, 2006 at 9:10 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Yeah, so it’s late. Again, I ask, what do you want for nothin’?

I’ve been a little depressed this week, what with losing congress to the socialists and having to work tomorrow. A double layer shit sandwich this week and I’m gulpin’ it down.

Luckily the Vols don’t play tomorrow until 7 pm, which means I’ll get to see the game even though I have to work. That’s the spicy mustard on my shit sandwich. And why am I excited about seeing the game? Because it’s going to be Johnathan Crompton’s official coming-out party. The Vols will roll, 33-17. We’ve got nothing to play for but pride at this point, so we’ll throw caution to the wind. Arkansas will run the ball, we’ll pass the ball, it will be ugly, but good will prevail over evil.

Elsewhere…

  • Auburn 31 Georgia 21Poor Bulldawgs. Where’s that pic, MKH?!?
  • South Carolina 31 Florida 30The Ol’ Ball Coach will vanquish his old school.
  • LSU 41 Alabama 20A bad year just keeps getting worse for Shula’s boys.
  • Notre Dame 25 Air Force 24This will be a good game if the same Air Force I saw earlier in the year shows up.

In the steroid leagues, we’ll see if Pac Man will be able to get some time off for good behavior and make the game. It won’t really matter, because McNair, Mason and the boys will come back to Adelphia and lay the smack down on the out-manned Titans, 35-14. A little revenge for Stevie? Elsewhere…

  • Colts 33 Bills 10Peyton will play games with the Bills’ secondary, and his center’s nether-regions.
  • Chicago 27 NY Giants 24The Bears got the bad week out of their system last week, now they can go back to playing football instead of reading their own press clippings.
  • Minnesota 28 Green Bay 10Brett Favre will throw 8 interceptions.
  • Chargers 25 Bengals 24Cincy started strong but will continue their downward spiral.

That’s it for this week – place your bets – call your bookies – you know the drill.

The Untriumphant Return of Football Friday

October 27th, 2006 at 1:33 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

It’s been a crazy few weeks. Ever since MKH lost her bet (for which she has yet to pay up… wink wink…), it seems like I’ve been on the road and more out-of-touch than usual. But, weep no more, Football Friday freaks, the picks you use to bet against are back.

This week, we’ll make it quick and get straight to it. First, my beloved Large Orange, who are, inexplicably, 6-1 at this stage in the season, will hammer the South Carolina Gamecocks, 39-17.

Why the confidence, which flies in the face of any Fulmer team taking on Steve Superior? Simple, we’re on the road. We don’t play worth a crap at home, which is why we lost to Florida and why we’ll probably lose to LSU. We play well when we don’t have to deal with our own weak home field, with its octogenarian-filled stadium, which has become about as intimidating as Carson-Newman Stadium in Jefferson City.

We play well on the road because at most other SEC stadiums, there are fans who actually make noise and get involved in the game – at Tennessee, the fans are too busy changing their depends or talking on their cell phones to be bothered with the game.

Elsewhere in the NCAA….

  • Florida 44, Georgia 14Georgia is horrible. Sorry, MKH.
  • Nebraska 34, Okie St 21Vinnie’s boys will bring the hammer down.
  • Georgia Tech 30, Miami State Correctional Facility 12Miami’s only hope in this one is that another bench-clearing brawl will end the game early.
  • Kentucky 1, Mississippi St. 0Only a Randy Sanders-guided offense could figure out a way to only score one point against the hapless Bulldawgs.

In the big leagues, the Mighty Titans continue their winning streak. I was proud of them for knocking off the Redskins, I just haven’t had time to call them and tell them. This week, the winning streak continues against the Texas Texans, Titans win 22-19. Elsewhere…

  • Steelers 31 Oakland 17The Raiders are just what the doctor ordered for the ailing Steelers. Last week’s Pitt/Atl game was one of the best games I’ve seen in years. It was also one of the only games I’ve actually been able to sit down and watch in years.
  • Colts 29 Broncos 17Peyton just has the Broncos’ number.
  • Vikings 33 Patsies 27I don’t think the Pats will be able to knock off the Vikings in the dome, but it should be a good game. I’m glad it’s a night game so I can watch it.
  • Carolina 26 Dallas 20Just who the hell is Tony Romo? And as long as Jerry Jones’ personnel decisions result in Terrell Owens being a loser, I’m all for ‘em.

That’s it for this week. I’m seriously considering live-blogging the South Carolina game Saturday night since I’ll be home watching it anyway, so stand by for announcements regarding this potentially exciting non-event!

Football Friday: I’m Callin’ You Out, Mary Katherine Ham

October 6th, 2006 at 3:11 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

It’s Georgia week. When I think of Georgia week, I think of all those sweet Georgia peaches – those Southern belles that can start a man to droolin’ lickety split. And if you find one of those Southern belles that loves football, then you’ve got yerself some fancy cookin’ there, sir.

There’s one particular Southern belle that just can’t shut up about the damn Georgia Bulldogs. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Ham. All you ever talk about is Georgia-this, Bulldog-that, UGA-UGA-UGA and things of that nature. Well, put your money where your mouth is, sister. If you think the Joe (Tereshinski) and Joe (Cox) show can pull it off Saturday night, let’s put something on the line. And not just pride in our Alma Maters.

Here’s a reminder of the type of character and decorum that is standard fare among the Bulldog faithful down yonder in Athens:


Yep, it’s all class down there, let me tell you. You’d never find such redneckery in East Tennessee – all you find at our tailgates are fine champagne, roast pheasant and expensive doilies.

My prediction? Tennessee 24 Georgia 14. And Georgia scores late to make it that close. Elsewhere in semi-pro ball…

  • LSU 30 Florida 17Overrated Florida will go down to LSU like Hollywood hooker on Hugh Grant. Mark Foley will perform the ceremonial coin-toss-off.
  • Texas 29 Oklahoma 17I think one will turn out to be far more boring than the usual UT/OU rivalry games of the past. Dunno why. It’s lost it’s sexiness these days.
  • Auburn 41 Arkansas 20Both coaches will try to cheat their way to victory, but only Tuberville will survive.
  • South Carolina 55 Kentucky 54There is no greater matchup of offensive minds than Spurrier vs. Sanders. Two geniuses whose teams will undoubtedly rack up well over 1,000 combined yards of total offense. I need to remember to Tivo this one!

On to the big leagues… what is there to really talk about in Titantown these days? Albert Haynesworth has demonstrated to the sports world that despite the P.R. spin that he’s a “changed” man, he’s still the same old thug he was at UT. And when you put him on the same team with Pac Man and the rest of the miscreants, you’ve got yourself a chaingang, not a football team. This is why this weekend, it will be Indianapolis 77 Titans 6. I just hope we can keep it that close. Elsewhere in the pros…

  • Dallas 33 Philly 21T.O. gets revenge on the team that “done him wrong” – that is, if he can keep from going on another Five Aspirin Suicide Trip between now and then.
  • Bears 35 Bills 22I’m a Grossman believer after sitting down and watching them last weekend. The Bears could very well be your 2006 Super Bowl Champs, childrens.
  • Denver 28 Baltimore 24This should be a good one. I’m hoping that the Ravens ultimately fail, though. I don’t care how many ex-Titans play for them, I’ll always hate the Ravens with all my little black heart.
  • Chargers 23 Steelers 18It’s not the same Steelers and it’s not the same Chargers, which should be good news for San Diego.

So, let’s hear it, Mary Katherine. Or do you just want to take the loss and mourn privately out of the glaring light of the blog paparazzi?

UPDATE:

Oh no she di’unt! MKH has responded.

Hate the game, not the player, Holmes.

All right, I’m layin’ it on the line. On the goal line. A line with which Tennessee will be none too familiar Saturday.

Yeah, that’s right. I talk smack using phrases like “with which.” I’m a hard mutha.

I am so hard and so sure that the Dawgs will treat the Vols like an Athens fire hydrant that I’m willing to teach Preston a thing or two about bold.

I’m ’bouts to wager the unthinkable. If the Vols manage to pull of an upset between the hedges, I will blog in a Tennessee Volunteers t-shirt for a day and document it with a photo on this blog.

Well, it appears I may have misunderestimated MKH. What to do in return in the unlikely event of a Georgia win? I will either go out and purchase some article of Georgia Bulldog clothing and document myself “blogging” in it – or I’ll post some type of massive blog tribute to the greatness of the Bulldog tradition. Either of these will make me wretch, so it will be an equal punishment either way.

Game on, Ham, game on.

UPDATE 2:

Ali Bubba says what all us males are secretly thinking. He ain’t one for being politically correct.

UPDATE 3:

Vols win, 51-33. Holy crap, that’s a lot of points. Whoever had the over on that, good for you.

So what size t-shirt should I send, MKH?

Football Friday

September 22nd, 2006 at 11:02 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

We’ve come upon yet another Football Friday. Last week’s hangover is over and it’s time to strap it on (no, not that, Feisty) and toss the pigskin around again. And you know how we like pigskin. And pork rinds. And what-not.

Anyway, my friend Chris sent me this column on men shaking pom-poms at football games and it really got me a-thinkin’. Especially since I’ve been known to hoist a shaker or two in celebration of a touchdown/sack/interception/beating in my day. Really, how gay is it to shake a pom-pom, and is it really unique to SEC men?

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Football Friday

September 15th, 2006 at 10:22 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Yeah, I know it’s late today, but as the Mayor of Carter Country used to say, “Handle it, handle it…” First a shot from last week’s Air Force game…

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Football Friday

September 8th, 2006 at 10:10 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

We’ll start this edition of Football Friday by trying (still) to shake off the shock of last week’s ass-kicking of Cal and move on with week two of the season. And we do so by celebrating the greatness of the gridiron – courtesy of Mary Katherine Ham (who recently moved to the top of my Crush list).

Where I come from, the air sweats this time of year. Sweats hard. The soft whisper that was the spring air has been hitting the weights all summer long. By late August, it’s just learned to lug its new bulk through a series of wind sprints, and it’s hurtin’ from the exertion. The result is heavy and thick. It slows the mosquitoes down, making them easily swattable out of mid-air.

That gummy, summer air is the bane of every football player who pulls on full pads and helmet for late-summer dailies or two-a-days. They stand under the sticky canopy, in line for drills, flicking mosquitoes away by the dozen, hoping the air doesn’t gum them up enough to make them similar targets for linebackers.

They ponder that thought lazily, wiping sweaty hands on slick pants until a whistle blows, and they explode off the line, grab the ball, find the hole, and beat back the air and the O-men on the strength of a summer spent on the leg press.

You can smell it, can’t you. I certainly can. I’ll be smelling it tomorrow night when I head down to Neyland for the UT/Air Force game. If you’re going to be there, let me know – I’ll be the guy in the orange shirt and hat with the “T” on it. I’ll be easy to spot.

As I’ve already gladly admitted last week, I was dead wrong about the 2006 Vols, Neyland and pretty much everything surrounding that game. This week will be a bit of a let down, sandwiched between Cal and Florida, but the Vols will pull it out, 33 – 14. It should be a fun game to watch with Air Force’s “flexbone” offense – Tennessee has often had problems with wishbone-style attacks, but I’m confident Chief will have the D prepared. My overall college picks last week were 4/5, which is not bad in retrospect.

Elsewhere in semi-pro ball…

  • Ohio State 29 Texas 24A good game last week against Eastern Western Northern Texas School for the Lame isn’t enough to convince me. Ohio St. will go down to Austin and squeak it out.
  • Georgia 31 South Carolina 21I still think Georgia’s QB sucks. But they’ll have all they need to beat Steve Superior’s band of ruffians.
  • LSU 37 Arizona 10Yet another Pac-10 team will take an SEC-style ass-whoopin’.
  • Notre Dame 24 Penn State 14The Irish escaped a tough one last week. It’s tough to go down there and beat an ACC team in front of 14,000 fans. That warm-up will enable the Irish to put a boot in Joe-Pa’s tuckus this weekend.

On to the NFL, where the Steelers pulled it out against Miami last night. I picked Miami in 2 football pools. Typical me. Thanks a pantload, Daunte.

And what is there to be said about my beloved Titans this year? We’ve got Volek acting like Dan Marino, threatening to take his ball and go home ever since they brought in Kerry Collins. We’ve got Pac Man in and out of jail, yet again. The only saving grace is that Vince Young may be fun to watch this year if he winds up taking a decent number of snaps this season. Save your playoff ticket money for Christmas presents this year, Titans fans.

In pro ball…

  • Jets 28 Titans 20This should be ugly. Two nasty-looking teams. Not as bad as last year’s Titans/Texans game that I attended, but ugly just the same.
  • Broncos 25 Rams 17I like Denver this year, for some reason. Must be Jay Cutler.
  • Bears 77 Packers 2Every Chicago point will be a result of an interception run back for a touchdown. Seriously, why the hell hasn’t Favre retired yet? He’s at least two years past his expiration date.
  • Patriots 26 Bills 21This will be a good game. I don’t know why I think that, but I could see Buffalo pulling it off. I can see the Jim Kelly-to-Andre Reed combination putting some points on the board in Foxboro.
  • Colts 33 Giants 23The Manning Bowl. Somebody bring me a bowl in which to puke.

That’s it for this week. I may or may not post a review of this week’s Air Force game (like I did with last year’s Georgia game), so stay tuned!

Football Friday

February 3rd, 2006 at 11:25 am by Preston Taylor Holmes

Just a reminder – this Super Bowl Sunday, we’ll be opening up the chat room for anyone who is sitting home drunk watching the game with nothing better to do than yap about it. We’ll also be “live-blogging” it, so stop by if you’re in the neighborhood.

Also on this final Football Friday of the year, there’s a bit of college football news in the air.

Via Michael Silence, Coach Philip “The Great Pumpkin” Fulmer has gone so far off the rails that he’s blaming his brand new 25th-ranked recruiting class on the “kids”. Not only that, he’s calling them liars.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Tennessee coach Phillip Fulmer said recruits are more dishonest now than he’s ever seen before with coaches and teams trying to sign them.

Fulmer topped his worst season as coach at Tennessee with one of his least flashy recruiting classes according to analysts’ rankings. He announced on Wednesday the class of 22 players he and his staff signed, rated 23rd in the nation by analysts at Rivals.com and 24th by Scout.com.

But it’s not just the Tennessee recruits getting the attention. Some of the talk in Knoxville on Wednesday focused on five top players who were thought to have picked Tennessee, but instead signed elsewhere.

“There’s guys that just lie to you — flat lie to you,“ he said. “That goes back to upbringing.“

“It’s the generation now out there,“ he said. “It’s not everywhere, but it’s out there. There are a few out there that make it a show. … You might come or you might not, but just be honest.

If anyone followed the Vols’ horrific 5-6 football season this year, the one thing that The Great Pumpkin never did was accept any responsibility for the slide. Despite workin’ like heck, they didn’t get it done in any shape, form or fashion last season – and now that Fulmer has his worst recruiting class to date, he’s attacking the kids.

This is a coach who makes more than $2 million a year, and blamed last year’s issues on everyone and everything but his own failed leadership and inability to get the job done. It’s downright comical that he’s blaming this sub-par recruiting class on the current generation of kids and their shenanigans.

This is also a coach who brought in old/new Offensive Coordinator David Cutcliffe, and proudly proclaimed that the addition of Coach Cut will restore discipline to the team. The buck stops everywhere but the Head Coach’s office when it comes to Fulmer’s Vols – whether it’s the 5-6 record, the off-the-field discipline issues, or this year’s crappy recruiting class.

Fulmer has made his living off of getting the best recruits from all over the country, bringing them to Knoxville and coaching the talent right out of them. Fulmer’s outrageous winning percentage (and ’98 championship) has been due to superior athletes overcoming mediocre coaching – and now that the pipeline of top-notch recruits is drying up, you can bet your ass that times are only going to get tougher for the (at-one-time) Big Orange.

Football Friday

January 27th, 2006 at 5:59 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Well, it’s only Football Friday in that I’m officially announcing that we’ll be opening up the brand new Six Meat Buffet™ Chat Room for the Super Bowl. We’ll also be live-blogging the blessed contest between the Browns and the Oilers – or whoever the hell is playing, I can’t remember.

Smantix, Cranky & Feisty were kind enough to test out the chat room last night, and I just hope Feisty is okay this morning.

So join us on Sunday, February 5 for some serious idiocy – right around kickoff. Smantix says he’ll be drunk by kickoff, so you may be able to temporarily out-wit him, so take advantage. The chat room will be open to whoever wants to jump in.

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