Survey Says….
February 22nd, 2010 at 10:18 am by MicheleLast night I got a call from a survey company out of Denver. It went something like this:
Hello, my name is ***** and I’m calling from ***** and was wondering if you had some time for a brief survey concerning your political opinions?
I felt a little energetic, so I replied in the affirmative.
Great Mrs. ****. Tell me, how likely are you to vote in Tennessee’s next gubernatorial election? Not Likely, Likely, or Certainly?
Certainly.
(here I begin paraphrasing a bit.)
Thank you. Mrs. ****. Some in the administration have proposed that in order for Tennessee to be fiscally healthy, there should be a one cent tax on sugar, soft drinks, and sports drinks. Others have proposed that local officials come and take your babies by force and have them severed in two. Tell me Mrs. *****, which option would you support?
Uh. Um. Can I pass on that one?
Sure. I’ll just note that you “don’t know”.
In the country right now there is an epidemic of obesity. Some lawmakers in Tennessee have proposed that special funds should be set aside for educating school children, especially at-risk kids, about healthy lifestyles. Others have proposed that all Tennessee babies should be force-fed crack sandwiches. Tell me Mrs. *****, which option would you support?
I’ve gotta pass on that too.
Sure. I’ll just note that you don’t care about children.
All right, let’s see. Mrs. *****, due to the same obesity epidemic, some lawmakers have proposed a law that would require chain restaurants to list nutritional information on their menus. Those who don’t support the proposal have stated that they would like to stand by as fat customers choke to death on their fried buffalo bacon and bleu cheese sandwiches. Which option sounds best to you Mrs. *****?
You know, all of these questions seem designed to get me to choose option A.
Ma’am, I didn’t design the questionnaire, I’m just reading from a form here.
Oh, I understand. Can I just say something here?
Sure.
(here begins the transcript of my fantasy conversation. The one I came up with after the survey while I was making bean sprout sandwiches on whole wheat with sugar free yogurt for the kiddies, and Nutri-Crap cake for dessert. This is what I would have said if I had a quick wit to match my justifiable political cynicism. I mean, do you know how long it takes me to write these things?!)
I think I understand the political purpose of this survey. First to publish in the news that the population of Tennessee overwhelmingly supports higher taxes and greater government intrusion, since no decent survey taker ever supported option B. Secondly to place in my mind (the Tennessee voter) that there are no other viable alternative solutions (besides the evil option B) to the problems of the budget or obesity. Thirdly, to place in my mind that the candidate I must vote for is the option A candidate, because his opponent is obviously an option “B” man, and to give the option “B” man our vote would prove that I hated children and thought they should grow up ignorant and die a slow painful death from diabetes and heart disease. Right?
Like I said, I didn’t design the questionnaire.
Let me just say this. I’ll start taking the advice of my school officials on issues of children’s health when they stop loading my kids with white bread and high fructose corn syrup in the lunch room, and chocking kindergartner’s pie holes with marshmallows and chocolate kisses every time they bark like a trained seal.
And I’ll start giving Tennessee’s wise government authorities my ear about my kid’s health and safety when they start putting aside a bit of the budget to make sure autistic kids don’t end up in cages, and to do background checks on elementary school teachers to make sure they haven’t attempted to kill anybody in the last few years.
Mrs. ****, should I note that you intend to discontinue the survey?
Click.
Yeah. That’s how it should have gone.
