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Archive for the ‘People are Stupid’ Category



Courting Controversy

June 26th, 2013 at 11:33 pm by Brian

I am utterly baffled by what gets people happy these days.  Why should liberals be excited that the same 5-4 margin of victory as Citizens United just went the other way in favor forcing businesses, churches, religious-based hospitals and people who have voted overwhelmingly the other way to accept gay marriage?  Oh, for Citizens United it’s wrong.  But for this it’s right.  Striking down part of the Voting Rights Act is wrong.  But this is right.

It’s always right when it’s something you want and it’s always wrong when it’s something you don’t.  Some consistency would be nice.

Let’s just get something out of the way – I do not believe that being gay should be a protected status.  It is a lifestyle choice.  Just like being straight.  Just like using drugs.  Just like wearing a pink mohawk and a leather jacket.  People get judged for lifestyle choices.  By their families, friends and employers.  Whether or not you feel you are born that way and how you choose to live your life is a personal choice.  Embrace the personal responsibility for how you have chosen to live your life.  That’s not a judgment against it.

Presumably, you are a person.  Presumably, one rich in spirit and capable of many thoughts and feelings above those of primates.  I myself am an amalgam of a wide-ranging and sometimes contradictory set of personal beliefs and actions.  However, I would never seek to only define and identify myself but what I prefer to stick in my asshole, mouth or what genital I prefer to lick.

To define yourself solely based on your sexual behavior is a perversion whether you are homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual or asexual.

I don’t fully know what to think about the Supreme Court rulings today.  My personal belief is that government has no right regulating marriage – period.  The only way conservatives can preserve marriage is to have the federal government end giving tax credits, incentives, etc. to one group of people and not to another.  Otherwise, Big Government with it’s all crushingly clumsy boots are going to step all over your steeple.

Everyone can still get married in their church.  If your church recognizes same-sex marriage well good for you.  But everyone should enter a civil union if they want the state or federal government to recognize legal implications from your religious ceremony and eventually there will be standardized nomenclature for asset distribution and in the event of death or marital dissolution.  It can automatically renew based on a negotiated timeline with an auto-renew clause unless notified in writing 90 days in advance.

I know.  I’m a romantic.  But tax credits and government incentives are what have given the government the wink and nod to jam the tips of their gangbanging 5-4 Supreme Court strap-ons into the tender orifices of the historical institution of marriage and the only way to preserve it is to quit taking their welfare.

Exit question:  So, the historically anti-samesex marriage Obama can call up gay activists congratulating them on a judicial victory like they just won the Super Bowl with a sense of urgency he doesn’t reserve for his Ambassador in Benghazi crying for help as he’s being raped in the streets and murdered?

Priorities, people.  Priorities.

Blissfully Unaware

March 29th, 2013 at 8:01 am by Brian

I remember before September 11th.  It wasn’t that long ago.  Airport lines were shorter.  Not necessarily pleasant but they didn’t involve a prostate exam by a person selling nude body scans of you on the Internet.

What I remember most was the feeling the morning before everyone knew.  The not having to care as much.  The enemy is over there.  Sure, we all have to worry about the criminals among us but the truly damaging threats are somewhere on the other side of a sea.

It’s why North Korea bothers me so much now:

The photos appeared in the state-run Rodong newspaper and were apparently taken at an “emergency meeting” early on Friday morning. They show Kim signing the order for North Korea’s strategic rocket forces to be on standby to fire at US targets, the paper said, with large-scale maps and diagrams in the background.

Move along.  Nothing to see here, right?  Just more Bellicose Rhetoric ™ from a young dictator wannabe trying to show his military experience is what they keep telling us.   Obama’s in Charge!  What could possibly go wrong with such a experienced statesman like that at the helm?

Let’s just poo-poo these comments and see the continuation of Clintonian State Departmentalizing.  We’ll say his comments are “unhelpful”.  Maybe when the rockets are fueled and you see the blood-raging in his eyes you can upgrade them to “deeply concerning”.

“He finally signed the plan on technical preparations of strategic rockets, ordering them to be on standby to fire so that they may strike any time the US mainland, its military bases in the operational theatres in the Pacific, including Hawaii and Guam, and those in South Korea,” the state-run KCNA news agency reported.

Huh?  Wuh?  I’m sorry.  I wasn’t paying attention.  The family’s coming over Easter and I’ve been busy with trying to do my taxes.  I got this new tablet and you won’t believe all the crazy shit it does.

Kim “convened an urgent operation meeting” of senior generals just after midnight, signed a rocket preparation plan and ordered his forces on standby to strike the U.S. mainland, South Korea, Guam and Hawaii, state media reported.

How long are you suppoesd to thaw a turkey?  I’m probably just going to get a ham from Honeybaked or something.  I’m sure we don’t have enough chairs.  It would be easier if we just went out.  And cheaper too.  Nashville is growing so much.  We’re absolutely certain that we’re the next big thing.  So many new places to choose from in Midtown and The Gulch and all the right people are moving here.

Kim said “the time has come to settle accounts with the U.S. imperialists in view of the prevailing situation,” according to a report by the North’s official Korean Central News Agency.

Later Friday at the main square in Pyongyang, tens of thousands of North Koreans turned out for a 90-minute mass rally in support of Kim’s call to arms. Men and women, many of them in olive drab uniforms, stood in arrow-straight lines, fists raised as they chanted, “Death to the U.S. imperialists.” Placards in the plaza bore harsh words for South Korea as well, including, “Let’s rip the puppet traitors to death!”

Now, to the untrained eye, this type of thing is just what they do over there.  Little children that they are.  Banging their highchairs for attention.  Pat them on the head.  Tell everyone to calm down and quit being so sensitive.  We went from being the World’s Policeman to the World’s Wet Nurse in five short years.  In another three we’re going to be it’s bitch.

Experts believe the country is years away from developing nuclear-tipped missiles that could strike the United States. Many say they’ve also seen no evidence that Pyongyang has long-range missiles that can hit the U.S. mainland.

Lucky for us – experts are never wrong.  It’s not like Little Un has painted himself into a corner here that if he doesn’t do something that he’s going to look incredibly weak.

So where are we? What changes if:

A nuclear missile flies and gets shot down by an iron dome rocket.  Do we call that a mulligan and schedule tea with the Ambassador?

A nuclear missile flies and misses its target.  Another mulligan?

A nuclear missile flies and it hits an ally, a US territory or our mainland.  Then what?

What changes?  The world, chico.  The world.

You can almost see the Army manuals being written now.  When your transgendered platoon leader conducts door-to-door introductions with environmentally and ethnically sensitive gift baskets you should introduce yourself with your head bowed so as not to offend.

As on that same morning before the crisis, we remain unprepared and unwilling to acknowledge the threat in our faces.  It’s over there somewhere.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel *shudder* said on Thursday that North Korea‘s provocative actions and belligerent tone had “ratcheted up the danger” on the Korean peninsula, but he denied that the United States had aggravated the situation by flying stealth bombers to the region.

We have to take seriously every provocative, bellicose word and action that this new young leader has taken so far” since coming to power, Hagel told a Pentagon news conference, referring to Kim Jong-un.

Ah, yes.  The “young” leader.  Good thing he’s not a woman.  She’d probably just be on her period or something.  The U.S. has to take North Korea seriously.  At least we have to say we do.  Else we lose the optics.  Perhaps we can push through some gun control legislation because of this.  Or maybe some gay marriage bills.    Or perhaps some more laserlike focus on Priorty Numero Uno – Yobs!  You know the problem that’s solved already.

I don’t know about ya’ll but I am taking my money out of the bank.  Remember, we financed two wars we didn’t need on a credit card so they say.  How do you think they’re going to pay for the one they are going to let happen to us?  Get Alec Baldwin to transfer our balances to a new, low-interest rate Capital One Card?

Come to think of it – what am I worried about money for?  An arsonist is fleeing the scene of the shithouse moments before it goes up in flames.  Sure he’s in a 600 ton bulletproof limousine that doesn’t run on diesel and if Trayvon had a father it would probably look like him but that is somebody else’s problem.  Hopefully Austin, Texas.

And the money?  I never missed what I never had.  I can leave it in my 401k and the Dow will jump 200 points once the first missile lands.  Now, about that turkey.

From the Wayback Machine:

Slack Ops

On Wii, Ennui: Will Obama be able to finish 18 holes in time to hold the 38th parallel?

Use pitch, draw and don’t forget SPIN to turn what is traditionally a lazy, rich man’s pastime into your foreign policy legacy.

Realistic gameplay lets you be the POTUS. When North Korea launches a sneak attack on an ally’s civilians, you are forced to reckon with 18 Holes to avert Nuclear Holocaust starting off with a brutal par 5 where you must negotiate a harrowing sand trap after the first dog leg.  If we can’t get back to the clubhouse by nightfall, a tersely worded letter to the U.N. won’t get drafted in time!

So Real Even Your Ratings Will Plummet: Use the crowd control feature to whip-up or settle down a fawning press corps.  Camo’d cameo announcers Chris Mathews, Andrea Mitchell, Katie Couric and Brian Williams report from the rough (terrain of their New York /D.C.studios) to give you the play-by-play commentary and your Wii controller’s leg adapter unleashes our patented vibrating Tingle ™ Technology.  Don’t get distracted by how awesome you are. You’ve still got to compose that meeting request with your Cabinet so you can draft that letter!

Unlock hidden missions! It’s a game inside of the game.  After being rebuffed from Chinese diplomats, you are forced to enter into a deadly game of pick-up basketball.  Will Robert Gibbs get picked last?    Use Obama’s natural tendency to bow as you reach in to steal the ball and hog it until the shot clock runs down.  You only have minutes left before you can draft that text message to your assistant so she can schedule that meeting request with your Cabinet and hold a quorum on that letter you were thinking about writing when everybody was still mad about that thing that happened - before The Final Buzzer.

 

 

 

Egyptian President Morsi Touts New “We Can’t Wait” Initiative

November 24th, 2012 at 11:06 am by Brian

Fresh off a ringing endorsement by half of our country’s President, the dangerous idiot Barack Hussein Obama, Egyptian President Muhamed Morsi has crowned himself the next Mubarak.

Youths clashed with police in Cairo on Saturday as protests at new powers assumed by President Mohamed Mursi stretched into a second day, confronting Egypt with a crisis that has exposed the split between newly empowered Islamists and their opponents.

A handful of hardcore activists hurling rocks battled riot police in the streets near Tahrir Square, where several thousand protesters massed on Friday to demonstrate against a decree that has rallied opposition ranks against Mursi.

Following a day of violence in Cairo, Alexandria, Port Said and Suez, the smell of teargas hung over the square, the heart of the uprising that swept Hosni Mubarak from power in February 2011.

Meet the new boss.  With a slightly more violent Islamist streak than the old boss.

Not to worry you 47 percenters.  We won’t let these “unhelpful” distractions detain your thoughts for even the slightest moment from fighting to the death over flat screen tvs and discount yoga pants in honor of the birth of Jesus Christ – the renegade ahead-of-his-time union delegate who bestows paid time off from work every December 25th and supporter of socialized healthcare.

Please don’t ask me why He didn’t create it in those first seven days if He wanted us to have it.

In typical limp dick State Department fashion, Hillary Clinton meekly asks if Morsi needs a back rub so that he’ll remember the true goals of Obama’s Arab Spring :

The decisions and declarations announced on November 22 raise concerns for many Egyptians and for the international community. One of the aspirations of the revolution was to ensure that power would not be overly concentrated in the hands of any one person or institution. The current constitutional vacuum in Egypt can only be resolved by the adoption of a constitution that includes checks and balances, and respects fundamental freedoms, individual rights, and the rule of law consistent with Egypt’s international commitments. We call for calm and encourage all parties to work together and call for all Egyptians to resolve their differences over these important issues peacefully and through democratic dialogue.

Firm but tough?  More like flaccid and vacillating.  Or, “Smart Diplomacy” as they call it.

Morsi’s declaration that he is now and forever above question and the law “raises concern” and Hillary naturally treats the democratic protesters as being equally responsible for the unrest as a result.

If only Morsi were a Republican she could have sicced her lapdog media on him and call him a racist, homophobe or misogynist.  You know?  Things he actually is.  After all, where could Morsi have even gotten the idea that he could just elect to ignore those who check his power?

During a lengthy speech at the University of Yangon in Burma, President Obama signaled the important traits of American democracy, particularly his limited powers as president.

As President, I cannot just impose my will on Congress — the Congress of the United States — even though sometimes I wish I could,” he stated. “The legislative branch has its own powers and its own prerogatives, and so they check my power and balance my power.”

Thank you for that 3rd grade Civics lesson, Mr. Helper as you embolden the Butchers of Burma and everywhere.

Of course, like many duplicitous, two-faced liars and tyrant sympathizers Obama says one thing in public and often does another at 5 o’clock on a Friday afternoon before a long weekend.

Hopefully, the Egyptian protesters will have more resolve than the pathetic excuses who now call themselves “American”.  They’ll be wiggling their fat asses into those yoga pants just fine in the next year when they’ve lost their jobs and the price of food skyrockets.

The rest of us should begin to plan according if you have not already done so.  We Can’t Wait ™ to begin preparing when we see smoke smoldering in the vicinity of the shithouse and Obama’s economic arsonists are fleeing the scene while blaming Bush for five years of their own policies.

IRS To Begin Offering Free Colonoscopies

September 30th, 2012 at 10:09 am by Brian

Never before has inter-governmental agency cooperation been higher thanks to the incontinent leadership of Vice President Poopy Pants:

During his speech, Biden reminded the audience that some of their Republican friends would distort Obama’s record on Medicare.

“Everyone knows, everyone in this room knows that President Obama has increased the benefits available to people on Medicare by the action he took,” Biden said. “You are now able to go get a wellness exam, and guys, if you conclude you need a colonoscopy because you feel like you have a little too much weight in your wallet then the IRS is more than willing roto-root your pooter.    Or let’s say you need a breast health examination by your’s truly or any one of our highly qualified TSA agents, then you don’t have to pay a co-pay for that.  You’re welcome, America.

Personally, I’m looking forward to the synergistic possibilities of mandatory urine donation for drug screening with it being recycled for offensive anti-Christian art projects.

The AARP Is Just Media Matters With A Colostomy Bag

September 23rd, 2012 at 2:39 am by Brian

Forward Comrades!

But don’t let the bag fool you.  They’re still full of shit:

The 71 pages of emails show an AARP management taking orders from the White House, scripting the president’s talking points, working to keep its board “in line,” and pledging fealty to “the cause.” Seniors deserve to know all this, as AARP seeks to present itself as neutral in this presidential election.

The emails overall show an AARP leadership—Policy Chief John Rother, Health Policy Director Nora Super, Executive Vice President Nancy LeaMond, Senior Vice President David Sloane—that from the start worked to pass ObamaCare, before crucial details pertaining to seniors had been addressed. This crew was in constant contact with Mr. Obama’s top aides, in particular Nancy-Ann DeParle and Jim Messina.

As early as July 2009, Mr. Sloane was sending the administration—”as promised”—his “message points” on Medicare. Ms. DeParle assured him “I think you will hear some of your lines tomorrow” in President Obama’s speech—which he did. Mr. Rother advised the White House on its outreach, discouraging Mr. Obama from addressing seniors since “he may not be the most effective messinger [sic] . . . at least to the McCain constituency.” Better to manage these folks, he counsels, through the “authoritative voices of doctors and nurses.”

Knowing this, why did Paul Ryan mistakenly pitch his plan to repeal Obamacare to this cadre of soon-to-be crypt bound commies?  And why again is the AARP tax exempt?

They are the wrinkledy, old strongarm of the Democrat machine that threatens wheelchair bound blue hairs that their strategic reserve of tapioca pudding will be cut off if their candidate doesn’t get elected.  That’s a nice Jazzy you’ve got there.  It’d be a shame of something happened to it.

The AARP is a bedsore on the ass of our comatose economy.

They need to be lectured not sought after.  Once the coordinated boos start, its time to drop the facade of the “I have a realistic chance to court your vote” and swiftly transition to a “it’s about time you turned up your hearing aids and started listen to some hard truth you selfish, old bastards”.   The American Association of Retired Persons has seen to it that no other generation will ever be able to afford to retire.

If Romney wins, I’d like to nominate myself to be Chairman of the death panel.   Like Obama said, forget that pacemaker.  I’ve got a budget saving pain pill with your name on it and an AARP junkmailing list that should keep the lines at Hell’s gates about as long as the lines of traffic behind your Buicks.

 

The Nauseating Conclusion To North Carolina’s Cavalcade of Commies

September 6th, 2012 at 9:49 pm by Brian

I am a glutton for punishment.  Having caught an eyeful of Lurch McHorseface’s rhetorical road apples, I am not sure that my living room has adequate ventilation for the weapon’s grade horseshit that permeates the air.

The lecherous traitor who made his name lying to Congress about his fellow soldiers killing innocent people in Vietnam for fun in the manner of “Jenghis Khan” having the stones to brag about the foreign policy accomplishments of  President Frank Marshall Davis Jr. was almost too much to bear.

Success, as he defines it, is the US unilaterally making nuclear weapons reductions in a new START Treaty while Russia reduces their arsenals by ZERO much to the delight of Czar Putin.  He claims that the rightwing Prime Minster of Israel supports Barack Obama’s policy towards his country and considers him a passionate ally somehow:

Again and again, the other side has lied about where this president stands and what this president has done. But Prime Minister Netanyahu set the record straight – he said, our two countries have ‘‘exactly the same policy.” – ”our security cooperation is unprecedented…’’ When it comes to Israel, I’ll take the word of Israel’s prime minister over Mitt Romney any day.

I really do hope someone decides to interview Netanyahu about this assertion because this report casts an incredible wet blank on Sweetback McSadwidow’s inventive interpretation of the day’s events:

Rogers, speaking to WJR radio host Frank Beckmann, painted a very different picture. He said the meeting, originally scheduled to be a discussion of intelligence and technical issues between himself and the prime minister, spun out of control when Netanyahu began lambasting Shapiro over the Administration’s Iran policy. When Beckmann asked Rogers to describe the tenor of the meeting, he said: “Very tense. Some very sharp… exchanges and it was very, very clear the Israelis had lost their patience with the (Obama) Administration.” He went on, “There was no doubt. You could not walk out of that meeting and think that they had not lost their patience with this Administration.”

Kerry is, after all, bucking for a Secretary of State gig in the event of a calamitous 2nd term.  Kerry being the wise judge of character who, in an attempt to embarrass George Bush, threw a hijab over Nancy Pelosi and drug her along in tow to Syria in 2007 to stand in solidarity with Bashir Assad and lobby for the U.S. to re-open our embassy and give credibility to this wonderful leader who had just recently ordered the assassination of Lebanon’s prime minister.

Of course, now Assad is a tyrant who murders his own people which is hyped on the nightly news by the same media that covered up Saddam Hussein’s crimes.  He wasn’t then though, right?  Kerry wasn’t taking his traveling road show of commies and kleptocrats a half dozen times to undermine US security abroad and prop up tyrants for political points.  Because that would mean he was a traitor or something.  No.  A celebrated war hero like Kerry?  He couldn’t be a traitor.

The only alternative being that he’s just an incompetent buffoon who shouldn’t be anywhere near a negotiation table on our behalf.

Exit Question:  Has anyone noticed how much Fox News has been licking the DNC’s ass this week?  Brit Hume looked like he was ready to blow a hobo to get a Clinton interview after his speech last night.

Local Merchants Pay Their Fair Share ™

December 23rd, 2011 at 6:37 pm by Brian

Something tells me if some of these people were standing in line looking for a job and not sitting outside of a mall waiting for some Chinese made sneakers with a multi-hundred millionaire’s name on them that their families would be considerably better off:

Louisville, Ky. (WDRB) – Witnesses say Louisville Metro Police had to break up a fight early today at Jefferson Mall over the release of a new style of sneakers.

Officers were on the scene where witnesses told WDRB that 75 to 100 people were reportedly in a fight over pairs of the new Air Jordan Eleven Retro Concords.

One witness claimed that a security guard was trampled by the crowd waiting for several shoe stores to open early. That claim could not be independently verified, as WDRB News was not allowed inside the mall.

At least eight police cars were on scene. Sources with the mall claim they were already there to provide security.

From the Keynesian / Krugmaniac  perspective, look at all of the jobs this melee helped to create or save.  The riot police called in to maintain order and make arrests (plus overtime!), the booking agents who would log them into the jail, the ambulance drivers who would pick up the wounded, the therapists who could counsel them,  the locksmith to prepare new fences for the stores and the janitors to clean up the blood.  And, of course, the welfare office who cut the checks that allowed these folks with such misplaced priorities to use their cash on hand for something this important to begin.

This riot is probably the greatest thing to happen to this particular strip mall since October 2008.

“I got the love for the ‘Js,’ you feel me?” said Brandon Betts, a customer who purchased the shoes. “Look at the box! The box is cold!”

“Man it’s crazy in there: people getting run over and security guards getting trampled and stuff,” he added. “They almost tried to arrest us!”

Sources with the Mall deny that there was a fight and say no police report was made out.

Correction:  No jobs were created for booking agents logging anyone into a jail for these various felonies.  And from North Carolina:

PINEVILLE, NC (WBTV) – Dozens of police officers had to break up fights and restore order at a local mall while shoppers were waiting for an overnight sale of a popular tennis shoe.

WTF is it about tennis shoes?  They don’t make you jump any higher or run faster.  Michael Jordan retired from basketball almost a decade ago.  Now, this could just be the cracker in me talking, but are tennis shoes important enough to add another candle to the Kwanzaa menorah?

You’ve got Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumbaa, Imani and Air Jordans.  Air Jordans being the last candle.  The highest.  The culmination of all of your race-based collectivist couch-sweating labors.

In a related story, Eric “We’re Cowards On Race” Holder brought a federal lawsuit against South Carolina today for daring to ask voters to show some form of identification in order to vote:

The Justice Department on Friday entered the divisive national debate over new state voting laws, rejecting South Carolina’s measure requiring photo-identification at the polls as discriminatory against minority voters.The decision by Justice’s Civil Rights Division could heighten political tensions over the new laws, which critics say could depress turnout among minorities and others who helped elect President Obama in 2008.A dozen states this year passed laws requiring voters to present state-issued photo identification, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures.

Just how is this related to a story about people rioting over Christmas tennis shoes?  Maybe because if showing some form of official ID to vote was such a hardship that all of these people standing in line to pay $200 for a pair of tennis shoes could, I dunno, take their Granny or Auntie to the DMV to get a $15 driver’s license.  The wait would be less too as well as not being out in the cold.

Voting with Their Feet:

Do Blacks care more about tennis shoes than their right to vote?

 In Tennessee, we have to show a government issued photo ID to buy 8 tablets of Sudafed and enter our names in a DEA Registry if we want to effectively combat allergy season.  Yet, somehow, exercising your right to vote – the ultimate franchise – shouldn’t require anything more than showing up at the poll of your choice several times a day and show nothing save the cartons of cigarettes and “walking around money” that Eric Holder gave your preacher.

Taking time away from his busy schedule of murdering border agents, funneling illegal arms to and money laundering for Mexican drug cartels, AG Holder had these comments earlier this month regarding those who have an entire year to figure out a way to get a Photo ID in between their hectic tennis shoe rioting schedule:

Holder expressed concern about the new laws in the Dec. 13 address, saying: “Are we willing to allow this era – our era – to be remembered as the age when our nation’s proud tradition of expanding the franchise ended?’’

At the same time, Holder vowed to not let politics affect his department’s review. “We’re doing this in a very fair, apolitical way,’’ he said in a recent interview with The Washington Post. “We don’t want anybody to think that there is a partisan component to anything we are doing.’’

Of course, not.  Politics plays no part whatsoever in  suing those racists in red states for affirming the identity of their voters and preventing fraud at the polls using the same standard as buying a six-pack of beer or cigarettes.

And if you believe that, I have some Black Panthers standing outside of a voting station  in Philadelphia to sell you.

Of Electoral Prickteases, Chris Christie and Otherwise

September 29th, 2011 at 12:26 am by Brian

For Jabba’s sake will you people leave this poor man alone?  He doesn’t want to run for President.  Or for fitness.  He doesn’t have any fire in his belly.  Or vegetables.

TRENTON— A top Republican said Wednesday that Gov. Chris Christie really is not running for president, even as political commentators began to use sexual imagery to discuss Christie flirting with the possibility.

That’s going to be a hard image to shake.

Lawrence E. Bathgate II of Lakewood, who has led fundraising for three presidents and a presidential nominee, said that after a series of high-level telephone calls, he is convinced that Christie is not headed into the GOP primaries for president.

“I heard him say that he wasn’t running last night. Everything I know, and everyone I’ve talked to — and it doesn’t get much closer than the people on the plane with him — say he’s not running,” Bathgate said in an interview.

Yes, it’s cheap taking shots at Christie.  To be fair, I’ll take cheap shots at Sarah Palin shortly.  But when he starts holding court about foreign policy – don’t start talking about exceptionalism and why we don’t have any but that you’re not going to do anything about it.  Are people on the right so hard up for a candidate that they’ve turned chubby chaser?

Same with Sarah Palin.  Go sell your books.  Go raise your kids.  Three and a half years of “I’m running / I’m not sure I’m running” blue balls are enough for me thank you very little.  Quit dry humping conservatives for attention.  My leg can’t take it anymore.

Is Ben-Gay Considered A Lubricant?

July 24th, 2011 at 2:11 pm by Brian

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this:

Via the NY Post: AFP/Getty Images Phyllis Siegel (rear) and Connie Kopelov (front) celebrate after becoming the first same-sex couple to get married in New York City the day the state's gay marriage law went into effect.

The Big Apple said “I do” to a new era of gay rights this morning and celebrated New York City’s first same-sex weddings.

Chelsea residents Phyllis Siegel, 76, and Connie Kopelov, 84, got hitched at the marriage bureau on Worth Street in Lower Manhattan at 9:02 a.m., setting off wedding bells across Gotham.

City Council Speaker Christine Quinn, who is openly gay, witnessed the ceremony that was officiated by City Clerk Michael McSweeney.

‘It was just so amazing,’’ said Siegel, who has been with her love for 23 years. ‘‘It’s the only way I can describe it. I lost my breath and a few tears.’’

 

Is “losing your breath” really that difficult to do when you’re 76 years old?

 

Personally, I could not care less about what consenting adults do in their private lives but this isn’t that.  This is forcing your state and an attempt to force other people’s states to recognize your deviant personal behavior as normal and to get businesses to pay for health insurance.

 

Not that I have a problem with deviant behavior either.  Or, in the case of homosexuality, a statistically deviant behavior that you choose to engage in since it’s not genetic.   Either way, it should not be government’s role to play referee or certify people’s religious ceremonies.  Especially a “ceremony” that just got invented in the face of several thousand years of that particular religion’s tenants.

 

Get government out of the marriage business and let everybody get a civil union and then you’re problem is solved.  At the rate divorce courts screw over men anyway, heterosexual marriage should be a thing of the past in this lifetime.

 

What man in his right mind is going to engage in this financial risky proposition?  Only gays it seems.  80 year old lesbians harboring their daddy issues like the pack of Lucky Strikes rolled into the shirt sleeve of their v-neck tees.

 

I’m glad we don’t have anything better to worry about any more than Great-Grandma Siegel’s honeymoon as she turns down her environmentally sensitive fluorescent mood lighting and gently caresses Nana Kopolev’s Depends thong and fends off the arthritis in her diddle finger.

 

New York, NY.  You can’t smoke a cigarette but the Mayor can flick God the bird right in his stupid, fucking face.  Let’s move the reception to the nearest mosque for an exercise in the tolerance of this idiocy, shall we?

Why Won’t The Internet Stop Masturbating Me?

June 9th, 2011 at 9:43 pm by Brian

You’ve got to rove Arrec Bawrin.  Sure, it’s been several decades since Glengarry Glen Ross, but he’s still the closer.  Are you interested???  I know you are:

Which brings me to Anthony Weiner.

The Internet, as I understand it, is best for sharing information, ideas and even feelings. We send our thoughts and feelings, our very spirit, over the airwaves, with astounding velocity. At times, as human beings, we want to attach the body to the feelings, as well. Photos of ourselves and loved ones. Pets. The view out our window. The image of a child’s purity.

Barring any further revelations about the underage purity of the children Mr. Weiner of the Incalculable  Certitude, may or may not have spanked his Hebrew National to – that might have been Mr. Barrwin’s most unfortunate turn of phrase in this curiously unsolicited defense of the wanky Weiner.

Photos to find love. To find sex.

My thought on Weiner is that he is a very busy man.

For high functioning men like Weiner and other officials who have lived through such scandals, who are constantly on the go, that leaves one tried and true source of a reliable high. The affirmation that comes when someone lets you know they want to sleep with you. Or even cyber-sleep with you.

“High functioning” weiners, aside the running sexting joke is that no one ever knew if the person on the other end was a hot co-ed or a beefy bear with the keyboard of a slutty angel.

One busy gentlemen may feel a bit betrayed if he comes home from his busy day at work to find his missus jilling off to a tattooed, unemployed construction worker who’s milking the coconuts to his veiny palm tree on the other end of the Skype connection.  Much less half a dozen construction workers.

Who can say?  Working for Hillary Clinton might be a walk in the park.  A park fraught with flashers in trenchcoats.  Or the ever-gracious  frotteurs on the subway who, above all others, understand how pressed for time you are.

This is sex for many people now. No time for Mateus and cheap spaghetti. No time for slowly moving toward one another with a combination of hope and caution, lust and integrity. One can push a button and get something beyond porn. Porn is essentially two dimensional. One sees and hears. Internet sexting can be perceived as three dimensional by adding the component of “feel”, regardless of how cheap and unearned those feelings are. That person on the screen is doing whatever they’re doing… just for you.

Is this a defense or a confessional?

We tell ourselves that these devices help us communicate more effectively. What they actually do is allow us to bypass the person lying right next to us, across the room from us or at an airport heading home to us, in order to meet our immediate, even inconvenient, needs. To bypass their moods, their current view of us and their own desires, or lack thereof.

Weiner is a modern human being. So he ensnared himself in things that modern humans do. When I first heard about his problems, I snickered and made jokes, too. Now, I’m sad for him, his family, his district and his colleagues.

Let he who is without sin…

So only the atheists should be allowed to criticize Weiner by Barwin’s standard.  Preferably ones who aren’t so modern or busy.  Lazy Luddites who are fapping in the ways of our forefathers.

Through all of this, there is an unreasonable assumption that Weiner only played Hide The Salami with himself and throughout his engagement and marriage that he never indulged in an extra-marital affair.  He’s earned it, right?

Running a self-styled gauntlet of leftarded bimbos and pornstars stands he, Integritous Masturbatus.

An undeserved presumption of innocence for someone who played fast and loose with anyone on Twitter who paid him a compliment.

Damn you, sexy Internet.  I’m a married man!  And oh so busy.

 

Promises, Promises

April 6th, 2011 at 2:49 pm by Brian

 

The Jimmy Swaggart of Class War continues to make promises he’ll refuse to keep:

Disgraced politician John Edwards is said to be deeply depressed – to the point of being suicidal - over the prospect of a criminal trial that could end with him being jailed if found guilty.

The 57-year-old former Presidential candidate reportedly told a close friend: ‘I won’t go to jail. I’d kill myself first!’

I get so tired of politicians who refuse to tell the truth and only pander to what I want to hear.
So let me get this right, the felons are good enough to vote for you but they’re not good enough for you to hang out with.  Classic Edwards.
I guess I know which of the Two Americas he prefers.
In keeping with Edwards’ ambulance chasing theme, his former staffer Andrew Young who, if you’ll recall, he ordered to take the fall and fallaciously admit to cheating on his wife to protect the candidate described the sex tape thusly:

According to the Wall Street Journal Mr Young has described the tape as like ‘watching a traffic pile-up occur in slow motion – repelling but also transfixing.’

How auto-erotic.

Newsweek Is A Filthy, Naughty Linkwhore

March 21st, 2011 at 3:54 pm by Brian

Liberals are universally too clever by half. Particularly those at Newsweak.

After being sold for a dollar to a Far Left California Congresswoman, they’re taking The Nashville City Paper route and insulting their readership in an attempt to gain advertisers.  Is that how Old Media papers used to work when they were successful?  This week’s cover story:

How Dumb Are We?

NEWSWEEK gave 1,000 Americans the U.S. Citizenship Test–38 percent failed. The country’s future is imperiled by our ignorance.

Like all liberal attempts to fingerpoint, there are four more fingers pointing back at themselves.

Exit question:  If people are so stupid, how is this not the teacher’s union fault?  They’re the ones who failed to educate them about US history after all.  Did they miss that class in between Gender Studies and Ecology?

Correction: This is all Charles Maldonado’s wife’s fault.

The New Chickenhawks And A Coalition of Broads

March 20th, 2011 at 10:07 am by Brian

I do believe that your local recruiter’s station is still open if you want to support your President’s undeclared war on Libya.

I also hope that chiropractors are covered under the new Obamacare law given the twists and contortions of the antiwar Left, who never took advantage of a moment to STFU during Bush’s year long Rush To War ™ in Iraq, versus Obama “The Poet Warrior’s” week long, “cautious” unconstitutional intervention in a civil war that’s technically not our business at all.

What Fantasyland is this that we’re living in?

I just saw John Kerry and Carl Levin on Meet the Press saying that we’re doing all this, took our time to do it right with our Broad Coalition ™ or rather a Coalition of Broads and that at the end of the day we’re pretty cool with expending a lot of blood and treasure to leave Qaddafi in power.   This, for some reason, only makes sense if you’re a Liberal Democrat so may be our house commies can riddle me that one.

Funny that among all those consulted, Congress wasn’t. Congressman John Larson of Connecticut, head of the Democratic Caucus, says, “They consulted the Arab League. They consulted the United Nations. They did not consult the United States Congress,” one Democrat lawmaker said of the White House. “They’re creating wreckage, and they can’t obviate that by saying there are no boots on the ground. … There aren’t boots on the ground; there are Tomahawks in the air.”

Also, that in two closed to questions speeches that Obama has made the case for intervention so painfully clear that only an unAmerican dupe would deny him seeking justice for Libyan rebels of undetermined democratic commitment.  Even if you did support them it’s too little too late and if you leave Qaddafi in power without an occupation would you expect that he would not hunt them down afterwards?

This is beyond senseless and no high-minded journalists seem able to latch onto this headsnapping reversal of course from the people who opposed Iraq and Afghanistan for a decade.

Obama just asked US soldiers to risk their lives for nothing, in pursuit of a goal that is undefined if not ill-defined that puts their mission under the leadership and mandate of the worthless United Nations.

The same United Nations that is authorizing us to attack the chairman of their own Human Rights Council with such a narrowly defined scope as to be more of a threat to our own soldiers than to Libya’s.

God, I know I ask for too much as it is being that you have no real obligation to help me at all but please save our people from these professional morons and two-faced traitors.

In lieu of divine intervention, I will gladly accept MoveOn.org, Code Pink, International ANSWER and Women in Black anti-war rallies against this imperial President with added calls for his immediate impeachment.

Hilarity: Tubby Riefenstahl rips into Obama as if he was packaged in a Hostess Twinkie wrapper. Sacrelicious.

I guess he won’t be taking credit for all of the voters he steered towards Obama now, huh?  Success has a thousand Dreams of My Father but failure is a Kenyan orphan apparently.

Rape My Wife, Please

March 6th, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Brian

In The Tank: Dukakis does his best Associated Press impersonation.

Poor Michael Dukakis.  Still trying to re-fight the electoral ass-kicking that muddied GHW Bush’s shiny wingtip.

Thanks to Salon’s War Room (see “The New Civility” – war – arghh!), it appears that Shortstack McRapeMyWife’s plan to launch the Dukakis/Mondale 2016 juggernaut continues apace. 23 years later and not one iota the wiser.

The Lee Atwater Boogie Man still lurks under his petite daybed.  He didn’t lose because he was cold to the question of how he would respond if his wife and daughter were raped.  He didn’t lose because he coddled rapists and murderers by sending them on weekend vacations.  No, it was those mean ole meanies who don’t fight fair.

Come for the asking Walter Mondale for good advice, stay for the comments where Obama is congratulated for being our first black Republican president who took a hard “right” once elected.  Cuckoo stuff.

Willie Horton is still available for comment.

 

Hey, Nothing Else Is Going On So Why Not?

March 3rd, 2011 at 9:17 pm by Brian

They’re not called The State-Run Media for nothing.

At a joint presser with Felipe Calderon and President Davis, Jr., the Accomplice Press got their “one question”.  After applauding President Davis for his many words on Libya and a kinda, sorta answering his own question about imposing a useless “no-fly” zone, he finally gets to his well-thought out point – Hey, when are you going to intervene in that civil war between the NFL’s multimillionaire athletes and hundred millionaire owners?

Absolutely shameful.   Ben Feller of the AP should be fired before he gets back to the office.

At a time when Mexico is embroiled in an appallingly violent drug war that is leaving dozens dead, beheaded even, every single weekend.  At a time when gas is already over $4.00 a gallon.  Where governments in the Middle East are falling like dominoes or hanging on by gunning down innocents in the streets.  Where two US soldiers were assassinated by the Muslim offspring of the people Clinton “liberated” from civilization in Kosovo.  Where a Florida judge has ruled Obama’s landmark entitlement healthcare bill unconstitutional.  Where February 2011 had close to 400,000 people filed for unemployment benefits for the first time again two years into his Presidency.  When his Attorney General just stood before Congress yesterday and defended dismissing charges in a voter intimidation case because the defendants were the correct race.  When corrupt unions are assaulting taxpayers in the streets to preserve pensions that they don’t deserve and the country cannot  in any way, shape or form be able to afford.

Nah, use that one question to ask about pampered football players in the offseason.  Well played, sir.

Now wipe your chin off and ask for a towel.  The money’s on the nightstand as usual.

 

 

 

Was Mary Mancini Not Available?

February 23rd, 2011 at 10:04 pm by Brian

Ron Ramsey is officially too stupid to remain Lt. Governor of Tennessee. Quite a feat in and of itself.

How else to explain naming a Liberadio-ing, democrat voting, Daily Kossifying, Dave Weigel worshipping, never-miss-an-opportunity-to-cheap-shot-a-conservative House Donkey like Adolph Klanheider to be his Communications Director?

To paraphrase The Godfather:

Don Corleone: [kisses Michael] Listen, whoever comes to you with this Klainheider recommendation, he’s the traitor. Don’t forget that.

You’re going to live to regret putting the enemy in charge of your message, Boots.

STOP THE PRESSES: Softcore Gay Fiction Author Quits Pretending To Be A Christian

July 31st, 2010 at 8:03 am by Brian

Nathaniel Hawthorne surrenders:

And the Lord sayeth, “A vampire man shall don his shorty robe and layeth in the same coffin as another vampire man and it is ass-spankingly Good.”  After all, the 11th Commandment was “if it feels good do it”.

I don’t know why people ignored that one for so many centuries.  It was right there all along, people.

Don’t Assume Public Officials Have a Clue

June 25th, 2010 at 12:06 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Most of you already know better, anyway, but here’s a reminder.

You heard that right. This elected official doesn’t know that Arizona shares a border with Mexico. I guarantee you, however, that she knows which snack machine houses her precious Chocodiles™.

So we’re being ruled by complete bedwetting morons. From the stammering nitwit-in-chief in the white house to this dim-O-crat “County Supervisor” in Wisconsin. Is it any wonder this country is spiraling down the crapper at NASCAR speeds?

As seen on my new camera phone

June 10th, 2010 at 8:28 pm by Cranky

This sign and others like it have been popping up on the highway near my house. It is related to the folks behind the Truther movie, Loose Change.

I just did a little research and I feel yucky giving this loose nut free play, but the sign at the end of my street did grab my attention. Anyone know anything else about “InfoWars”?

Added bonus!
Also captured on the camphone.

Say, anybody know the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

Obama Get The Money From His Stash

June 1st, 2010 at 1:53 pm by Preston Taylor Holmes

Further proof that liberalism truly is a mental disorder.

You don’t have to be a complete idiot to support Obama, but it sure helps.

Violent, Racist Teabagger Responsible For Attempted Times Square Bombing Arrested At Wal-Mart

May 4th, 2010 at 7:37 am by Brian

If by “violent, racist teabagger” you mean “Pakistani” and by “Wal-Mart” you mean “plane bound for Dubai“. Dubai, of course, has a long history of extremist, anti-government rhetoric dating all the way back to their Confederate days during The Civil War up until their staunch opposition to Obamacare.

Dixieland Über Alles

March 30th, 2010 at 8:59 pm by Brian

Weasel Zippers is busting Chuckles McBagofSnacks for telling pony tales out of school:

Charles Johnson “Fairly Sure” the Tennesee State Flag is a Neo-Nazi Logo…

Mandy Messypants:  I saw it at a Vlaams Belaang rally.  Straight up Nazi.

Cunto The Incontinent: Amanda Geller flies it over her FEMA concentration camp.

Pillwhore Troutmouth:    Obviously, Irish nazi Celtic Wolves!

I’ve been trying to find some hidden meaning behind the California state flag but there’s just nothing to work with.

In Jim Jones, Jerry Brown, Red Dellums, Natasha Pelosivic and Senator* Barbara Boxer We Trust

/because of the triskeles!

Like the Masonic all-seeing Eye of Providence, our subliminal neo-nazism has embedded itself deeper than you can ever imagine:

Dumb ass.

Today Tennessee, Tomorrow the World!

The Science Is Settled! UPDATE: Little Green Frogboilers is 30% more vinegary than the leading douche.   You noticing that I’m getting my little, pink panties in a twist and going on a Nazi Witch-hunt  over a state flag while all my commenters smear away is really a sign of what a wingnut YOU are!    What a lying PoS.

Genius Lessons: Trick A Species Into Endangering Itself

February 15th, 2010 at 10:31 am by Brian


In response to the Georgia Right-To-Life billboard above, another overeducated fool stumbles on the Holy Grail Fail:

Abortion rights advocates are disturbed. Spelman College professor Beverly Guy-Sheftall called the strategy a gimmick.

“To use racist arguments to try to bait black people to get them to be anti-abortion is just disgusting,” said Guy-Sheftall, who teaches women’s history and feminist thought at the historically black women’s college.

“These one-issue approaches that are not about saving the black family or black children, it’s just a big distraction,” she said. “Many black people don’t know who Margaret Sanger is and could care less.”

To use anti-racist arguments to bait black people into killing themselves is what’s disgusting in an evil genius kind of way.  You don’t know who Margaret Sanger is but I assure you that she’s looking up to you and smiling at this very moment for continuing her pioneering work in  “Weed” Eradication.

Fortunately for you, your mother was not as “educated” as you are.

To Hell With The Saints

February 6th, 2010 at 4:06 pm by Brian

Who doesn’t love an underdog?  Year in and year out for decades the lowly Aints have struggled to even make it to a playoff but now they’re in The Big Game.  Are we supposed to be surprised when they can’t act like they’ve been there before?

NEW ORLEANS – A student at a Maurepas school was sent home by the principal for refusing to take off an Indianapolis Colts jersey, according to a statement from the American Civil Liberties Union.

“(T)he Principal of Maurepas High School, which had declared that students could wear jerseys in support of the New Orleans Saints, punished a student for wearing a jersey in support of the Indianapolis Colts,” said ACLU Executive Director Margie Esman in an e-mail.

“The student, who had lived most of his life in Indianapolis and has an outstanding academic record, was called out of class and told that he was not allowed to wear that shirt. When he refused to change his shirt, the principal sent him home.”

We’re just talking about one out-of-control, tinpot fascist here – right?  A rogue principal whose school spirit borders on North Korean nationalism.  But then you delve into the comments section and see how far some people are willing to go to support his actions.  Running the gamut from calling for permanent expulsion of the student, to veiled personal threats of the student because “they know who he is”, to calling for arresting his parents with a few “whodats” peppered inbetween.   Rules are rules!

Maurepas High Valedictorian, Lootie: Just following the rules!

It’s easy to think some people are engaging in a bit of pre-Super Bowl hyperbole but since most Saints fans can’t spell “hyperbole” I dismissed that out of hand.  They’ve expelled one of the brighter students at their school for engaging in a harmless bit of free expression because he didn’t read the DRESS CODE.  This criticism coming from people who couldn’t watch a weather forecast for an entire week warning them to get out of the way of a CAT-5 hurricane the size of Germany.

Dumbasses don’t follow rules.

Rule #1:  Big Hurricane = Move.

But seriously, folks – Go Colts!

And if by some miracle of animal sacrifice and voodoo magic New Orleans is able to win then the police will need to be on standby.

To prevent Houston from being burned to the ground.

Obama Light: Now With 95% Less Negro Dialect

January 10th, 2010 at 10:51 am by Brian


Artist’s Rendering: Ass not really that dark.

Projection ain’t just for movie theaters, folks. As Cranky pointed out the selective outrage that always seems to effect national Democrats, the revelations that Mark Halperin and John Heilemann’s book “Game Change” is threatening to unleash is bound to give us a sequel to America’s Historic Conversation On Race that we all need to have so much:

–In lobbying the late Sen. Edward Kennedy to endorse his wife, former President Clinton angered the liberal icon by belittling Obama. Telling a friend about the conversation, Kennedy recalled Clinton had said “a few years ago, this guy would have been getting us coffee,” the authors paraphrase.

At least he didn’t say anything about Obama being the half and half for his coffee. These arbiters of racial sensitivity. And at least he didn’t say anything about shining his shoes or then Chuckles McPonytail would be obligated to defend him.

It’s this type of black-on-black violence, the First Black President and the Second One, engaged in these rhetorical drive-bys by the Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X of our times that makes me worry about the future of our Idiocracy. A real tempest in a demitasse.

Reid said Obama could fare well nationally as an African-American candidate because he was “light-skinned” and didn’t speak with a “Negro dialect unless he wanted to have one.” Saturday, the majority leader said he had used “poor choice of words” and called Obama to apologize; the White House issued a statement indicating that the president had forgiven Reid.

Now everybody’s making ado about the “light-skinned” and “Negro dialect” mentions but I don’t see anyone talking about the last part of it – the “unless he wanted to have one” comment. That’s the part that needs fleshing out. Why would such an erudite, by all appearances “clean” and well-scrubbed politician want to speak in some ghettofied dialect? Presumably, Reid is not referring to an African dialect but the one that Al Gore and Hillary Clinton usually devolve into – the Stepin Fetchit-ism from the pulpits of black churches.

That’s the explanation I want. When does Reid think that it is beneficial for Obama to get ghetto? Maybe when he’s going to shame someone on the other side for an innocuous remark?

Not to worry, folks. Not to worry. Once he knew the story was going to break (read: yesterday), Dingy Harry immediately called to apologize and kiss Obama’s light-skinned ass. All that’s left is for him to kiss it and for the media to ignore this story by tomorrow morning.

Nothing fosters racial conciliation more than a bigot and a race huckster coming together in the name of stealing all your money.

Thank God For Taxation Without Representation Update:  Attention, all you Washington, D.C. vacationers.  If you think you can seize on Harry Reid’s comments and find a friend in the black community then you better recognize:

D.C. Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton is warning Republicans against trying to make hay out of Harry Reid’s comments about Barack Obama’s skin color and lack of a “Negro dialect.”  The nonvoting member of Congress said Reid’s opponents “will not find a welcome mat in the black community” if they try to seize on his remarks.

Norton, a black woman who represents one of the most heavily African-American cities in the country, said Reid will enjoy support from the black community because he has “earned it with long support of civil rights and many other issues that matter most to African-Americans.”

So don’t wonder where the mat is if you end up in the D.C. area.  You won’t be able to find it. Some crazy woman stole it and is running around with it to protect a man who can appreciate the finer points of her negro dialect that she’s taking out on you.

He earned that right.

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