Last night I got a call from a survey company out of Denver.  It went something like this:

Hello, my name is ***** and I’m calling from ***** and was wondering if you had some time for a brief survey concerning your political opinions?

I felt a little energetic, so I replied in the affirmative.

Great Mrs. ****.  Tell me, how likely are you to vote in Tennessee’s next gubernatorial election? Not Likely, Likely, or Certainly?

Certainly.

(here I begin paraphrasing a bit.)

Thank you.  Mrs. ****.  Some in the administration have proposed that in order for Tennessee to be fiscally healthy, there should be a one cent tax on sugar, soft drinks, and sports drinks.  Others have proposed that local officials come and take your babies by force and have them severed in two.  Tell me Mrs. *****, which option would you support?

Uh.  Um.  Can I pass on that one?

Sure.  I’ll just note that you “don’t know”.

In the country right now there is an epidemic of obesity.  Some lawmakers in Tennessee have proposed that special funds should be set aside for educating school children, especially at-risk kids, about healthy lifestyles.  Others have proposed that all Tennessee babies should be force-fed crack sandwiches.  Tell me Mrs. *****, which option would you support?

I’ve gotta pass on that too.

Sure.  I’ll just note that you don’t care about children.

All right,  let’s see.  Mrs. *****, due to the same obesity epidemic, some lawmakers have proposed a law that would require chain restaurants to list nutritional information on their menus.  Those who don’t support the proposal have stated that they would like to stand by as fat customers choke to death on their fried buffalo bacon and bleu cheese sandwiches.  Which option sounds best to you Mrs. *****?

You know, all of these questions seem designed to get me to choose option A.

Ma’am, I didn’t design the questionnaire, I’m just reading from a form here.

Oh, I understand.  Can I just say something here?

Sure.

(here begins the transcript of my fantasy conversation.  The one I came up with after the survey while I was making bean sprout sandwiches on whole wheat with sugar free yogurt for the kiddies, and Nutri-Crap cake for dessert.  This is what I would have said if I had a quick wit to match my justifiable political cynicism.  I mean, do you know how long it takes me to write these things?!)

I think I understand the political purpose of this survey.  First to publish in the news that the population of Tennessee overwhelmingly supports higher taxes and greater government intrusion, since no decent survey taker ever supported option B.  Secondly to place in my mind (the Tennessee voter) that there are no other viable alternative solutions (besides the evil option B) to the problems of the budget or obesity. Thirdly, to place in my mind that the candidate I must vote for is the option A candidate, because his opponent is obviously an option “B” man, and to give the option “B” man our vote would prove that I hated children and thought they should grow up ignorant and die a slow painful death from diabetes and heart disease. Right?

Like I said, I didn’t design the questionnaire.

Let me just say this.  I’ll start taking the advice of my school officials on issues of children’s health when they stop loading my kids with white bread and high fructose corn syrup in the lunch room, and chocking kindergartner’s pie holes with marshmallows and chocolate kisses every time they bark like a trained seal.
And I’ll start giving Tennessee’s wise government authorities my ear about my kid’s health and safety when they start putting aside a bit of the budget to make sure autistic kids don’t end up in cages, and to do background checks on elementary school teachers to make sure they haven’t attempted to kill anybody in the last few years.

Mrs. ****, should I note that you intend to discontinue the survey?

Click.

Yeah.  That’s how it should have gone.

On a good day, the country of Haiti is a little glimpse of what the tropical areas of hell might be like. After the earthquake, it’s unimaginable.

The Anchoress has a massive round-up of ways to help.

I’ve also put up a link in the sidebar to World Vision, one of my preferred charities with their hands already at work down there. There are many worthy ways to help, so do what you can wherever you feel will do the most good.

And Merry New Year and what-not from all of us at the Buffet.

It’s not about gifts, it’s about the greatest gift of all.

I need to instruct my kids in the art of state sanctioned child abuse by the use of “very, very, brief” stuns with the Taser and then putting them in handcuffs. We could make it fun! Dad could cheer me on!

OZARK, Ark.  —  Ozark Police Chief Jim Noggle says one of his officers used a Taser on a 10-year-old girl who was combative when the officer tried to get the girl into a patrol car to be taken to a youth shelter.

Noggle said Tuesday that officer Dustin Bradshaw went to the girl’s home after her mother called police woman called police. (UH EDITOR?)

According to a report filed by Bradshaw on Thursday, the officer found the girl on the floor of the house screaming and crying. She refused to follow her mother’s instructions and the mother told Bradshaw to use his Taser.

The mother told Bradshaw to use his Taser. Imagine what it felt like for that child.

Bradshaw carried the girl to the living room and told her she was going to jail, according to the report.

Told her she was going to jail.  Good way to calm her down.

The girl was violently kicking, the report said, and struck Bradshaw in the groin with her legs and feet. The report said Bradshaw administered a “very, very brief” stun with the Taser, put the girl in handcuffs and carried her to his patrol car. She was taken to the Western Arkansas Youth Shelter in Cecil.

Poor child.  I hope she finds a way to get over the trauma.

No word on how hard that officer hit the pavement when he was booted off the force.

Update: Police Chief is defending him.

Update: Here’s the face of the child the mom (and others) were so happy to have tased.  From the Smoking Gun.

Forgive the long post.  I’m not known for being particularly laconic.

Does idolizing someone require you to suspend rational thought?  If independent, rational thought is at the core of your principles, can you really ever have an idol?  Even if that idol inspired your radical libertarian way of thinking?  Because at some point have to accept as a creed of sorts that humans are deeply flawed, overemotional, and irrational on the inside and many will disappoint you at all turns, especially the ones you put on a pedestal.  How can they let you down if you didn’t hold them up in the first place? I assert that you probably hold someone in too much esteem because they have only revealed to you what they want you to see, and that you don’t truly know them.  If you still feel deep affection for someone despite who they actually are, and you are in full possession of your senses, then that is called love/friendship and is a whole different issue.

I started thinking about this a few months ago while researching Ayn Rand.  I was curious about what she thought about the infirm, the mentally ill, and the unborn.  I discovered to my dismay that her belief in the inalienable rights of the human individual does not extend to those who still have an umbilical cord attached, no matter which trimester.  She also believed that handicapped people shouldn’t be seen in public, especially by children.  So there’s a hole in her belief that she would never ask another man to give up his life for her.  And her belief that one should never initiate violence. But I guess that depends on your objectivist definition of “man”.  If his existence is an undue burden for you , and he has no ability to rationalize, then he is not a human, and therefore he is dispensable.

While I was deciding whether I was going to throw the baby out with the bathwater, I realized that my beliefs are not an all-or-nothing proposition.  Independent thought is an a-la-carte menu and I don’t have to dine exclusively at the table of Ayn Rand.  I can take from her table some very important ideas and accept that despite her brilliance she is still deeply flawed.  I also am freed from idolizing her.  Which is refreshing, because I dislike the idea of submitting myself to someone else’s ideas so completely.

All that being said, I found this video very interesting.

I think Penn’s problem is that he suspended his independent thought when it came to his idol. And when his idol disappointed him, it hit him like spit in the face.  Literally.  The sad thing is that Jillette is temporarily abandoning his own reason by thinking that perhaps his unhinged hero may have been correct .  But it jars a person when he gets yelled at by someone dear to them, and most deeply flawed human beings want to make things right when their world gets a crack in it.  Jillette can’t change Smothers, so instead he considers changing himself.

I just have to say, if I had to agree with someone on all core principles in order to even engage them in conversation, then my husband and I would never speak to one another.

I also believe Tommy Smothers is an ass, but I still like his yo yo tricks.

I learned from Cracked magazine.

Six bullshit facts about psychology that everyone believes.

Thought you might like to know…

I learned two things this past week that challenged my assumptions.   First that Jack Kerouac was a conservative Catholic who supported the Vietnam war and was friends with William F. Buckley. I think I’ll read “On the Road” with that in mind now. My second surprise that the lead singer for Depeche Mode has a string of ex wives and three children.  Now I can hear “Behind the Wheel” without suffering all of the Brokeback Mountain images that used to come to mind.

Sometimes the strangest things make me feel good.

Anybody have any more welcome surprises?

I just got this email from our excellent public school (no, really!) regarding Tuesday’s Presidential Message to Our Youth.

Here’s the question in two parts; How do you feel about it and what, if anything, are you going to do with your child on that day?

I’d put up a poll, but I’m at the office and have many enemies who are planning my destruction. I have already said too much.

I have bad news, friends.

I’ve just received word that Preston is suffering from the Swine Flu. Worse, he unsuccessfully tried to self-medicate with a Nyquil and Meth cocktail.

Michele, ever the heroine, tried to rush Preston to the ER only to be accidentally run off the road when the credit ape became unmoored and hit her speeding Ford F-150.

Completely unrelated, but equally tragic, our very own Brian was beaten near senseless by a group of hairy Nashville Scene staffers ironically wielding their Pabst Blue Ribbon bottles.

So, while our friends are incapacitated, I’m going to make a few changes around here. Not sure what that will entail, but rest assured, it will suck.

That is all.

Cranky

… your wife refers to this as “The Laundry Song”.

I really really do.  I don’t want any scary government agency breathing down my neck.  There are a few things a sane person should never do, run down the street naked, douse yourself with honey and throw yourself into the bear pit at the zoo, or to call for the assassination of the president.  Apparently there is a politician out there who misunderstood my tea party sign and posted about it in a letter to the editor of our local paper.

It is slated to run this Sunday.  Here’s the bit:

Among the most noteworthy signs were the following: ‘Revolution is Brewing’ held by a member of the College Republicans; ‘Each State is Sovereign,’ citing the Articles of Confederation; ‘Stop Predatory Taxation’ with a target on the president’s head;

I wish he had come up and asked me about it, and I would have told him that the target was not in fact on Barack Obama’s head, but the head of a businessman, meant to symbolize Congress’ unconstitutional targeting of AIG reps’ bonuses with a 90% tax. I also would have reminded him that these same AIG reps were the recipients of a polite request by Senator Charles Grassley that they give up their bonuses or kill themselves. That too inspired the target.

He could have looked at me for goodness sakes.  Imagine Debbie Gibson calling for the president’s head.  That’s pretty much what it would have looked like.

So here’s the photo of my sign:

Yes, he has big ears and a skinny neck. I should have thought of that. I went to great pains to make him balding, I put pinstripes on his suit so he would look more like a banker-type, and he wore a bright blue shirt.

Here’s the original that worked from:

Next time I’ll just go to Kinko’s. But let me say this. I think people see what their preconceived notions tell them to. Like how for the last 8 years when I was watching all of  those peaceful rallies where screaming activists painted Bush up like Hitler and the Devil and burned our president in effigy. The media never made a big deal about how dangerous these folks might be, I mean these political activists were just doing their patriotic duty to dissent and disagree. Maybe I remember that all wrong because I’m a right-wing extremist teabagging nut.

Ugh.  Enough with this blogging. I have a country barn to draw and some azaleas to plant.

Sure there is a lot going on what with the economy melting down and all.

But I wanted to quickly share with you some technical geekery.

I recently my home PC was infected by the Virtumonde virus. (Hence the lack of Photoshops last week) This is one the nasty cuss that attaches itself very deep in your operating system memory.

Well, I finally killed it dead using ComboFix.

If McAfee is the National Guard and SpyBot Search & Destroy is the Special Forces, the ComboFix is a freakin’ nuclear warhead.

By the way, I do recommend SpyBot because it is a very smart and efficient tool. It is free but the authors will gladly accept donations. They’ve earned a big one from me.

On an unrelated note, I have a tips and tricks blog that I occasionally update. If you’re so inclined, check out Stupid Code Tricks.

As we drift headlong into our new Socialist Paradise as envisioned by Omaraosa Obama, Rahmbo, Dumbo and the rest of the Marxists who have taken over the Central Government, we decided it was time for a facelift that was more in tune with the times.

The new look may have heavy Soviet overtones, but we’ll be working in a mix of all the fantastic Central Governments (past and present) that our new brave nation is modeled after – North Korea, China, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Cuba, North Vietnam, the list goes on. Expect constant change, because I hear change is really hip and what-not.

We are also welcoming a new face to the fold. The lovely Michele (whom you may already know from some of our sister and brother bloggers-in-arms) will be joining us and has the keys to the blog for as long as she so chooses.

I’ll be updating the blogroll and adding/changing stuff regularly, so stand by for chaos. These are the kinds of problems one causes when one is not actually a web designer, but does a redesign just the same.

Have you ever wondered, in a fit of nostalgia, how your first girlfriend/boyfriend was doing? We are talking hypothetically, because doing it for real might be a little creepy.

Say that, while Googling, you find that your former flame wrote something like this:

Again, hypothetically, wouldn’t that make you feel that maybe things worked out for the best?

This post is brought to you by seat belts.  Those wonderful pieces of fabric that keep you from flying through the windshield as your vehicle uses you to soften it’s landing between rolling over several times and finally skidding on it’s roof across the interstate.

Thanks seat belts! I take back everything I ever said about you wrinkling my freshly pressed shirts.

I’ve been AWOL lately, yes, I know. Hey, real life interrupts, and, let’s face it, it’s much more rewarding in many ways. Thankfully, I have excellent cohorts who do the heavy lifting for me, so thanks to BMac and Cranky. I am thankful at Christmas (and year-round) for you twisted freaks.

I would like to take a moment to wish all of you a merry Christmas and acknowledge the true reason for the season – the birth of Christ. For that, I am thankful beyond words.

This post from LaShawn Barber serves as a reminder that we need to be grateful for every day we’re given and do our best to focus on the gift that is another day and not the negatives of our daily irritations. God bless.

Kiss my ass, Microsoft.

That is all.

No pervs, it isn’t what you think. I have a domain name that some China-based sino-douche is using to spam people to his “Canadian Pharmacy”.

I have sent rude emails and even tried to contact an internet attorney. All were ignored. Now I would like to pay him back in kind.

Are there any geeks* out there who know some guerrilla war tactics?

ps To my fan(s), During daylight hours, I’ve been doing contract work with an employer who would frown upon any blogging activities. Hence the light posting.

pps. I just finished reading Thomas Sowell’s Black Rednecks and White Liberals. If you have a long train ride into some metropolitan center that went ga-ga for Obama, I HIGHLY recommend it. Perhaps a Cranky book review is in order.

* More geeky than me.

One of the classic Memphis wrestling moments that I will never forget. Take your mind off of this bleak week and kick back with Lawler, Dundee and the Blonde Bombers. A tragedy in three parts.

I’ll believe that this was a shoot until the day I die.

Due to the dangerous health risks and rise in emergency room visits from the “My Friends” Drinking Game, Metro Health and Human Services has asked that Six Meat Buffet not have another live presidential debate thread.

Concerned citizens or bullying bureaucrats?

More importantly, does anyone think McCain’s going to do anything but bring a Nerf rocket launcher to a South Side of Chicago gunfight?

I’m voting early this weekend based solely on the performance tonight and then I’m done with this mess.  If McCain stinks up the hall like a nursing home again then I am walking right into that voting booth and leaving the choice for President blank.  Republicans need to admit that they have a problem and it’s not that they are too conservative.

My friends on the Right side of the aisle, in the future you might want to nominate someone whose main accomplishment includes something other than knowing how to take a beating.  We’ll file that under “foreshadowing”.

I know.  I don’t see “The Big Picture”.  As if this cinematic nightmare has not been rolling across my screen for the past two years.  It took eight long years of watching the people I voted for, showing no desire to lead whatsoever, to get me to this point.   But I’m here now and I doubt I’m alone.

So….Debate Thread?

The Madcap Live Laughs after the jump.  Might as well jump. (more…)

Well, really, there was none from me. Despite the debate (which B. Hussein Osama won if you work for NBC, MSNBC, Reuters or AP, or McCain won if you work for Drudge or Fox News), the economic meltdown and President Junior’s attempt to sell us down the river for 20 pieces of silver, and yet another pathetic performance on the gridiron from The Great Pumpkin’s Vols, I’ve been too busy to pay attention. Things should resume to normal half-assed blogging this week. It’s hard to stay in touch with current affairs when you’re living in Fantasyland™.

(more…)

QOTD:

I am not a party hack. Mike Kernell is my friend and I am standing by him. I KNOW he had nothing to do with this. Whatever his son did or didn’t do, Mike had nothing to do with any wrong doings.
As for your need to call me names, go join Six Meat Buffet, they do that there just to be cruel and evil. (And yes, G-dless–just ask them if they believe in G-d)
Terry is too classy to be cruel for the sake of being cruel to a fellow blogger.
But by all means, go join the chorus of G-dless haters at 6 Meat.

To my knowledge, Cranky is a Jew and Preston is a Christian.  Make that a chorus of one.

They told me when Bush was elected that civil rights would be rolled back for people who weren’t Christofascist godbotherers, and they were right!

This one gets my vote.

Later,

Johnny Walker Red