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Much like the insatiable Great White shark in Jaws 4, Atlanta survived an attack by a bloodthirsty and errant tornado that mistook the Georgia Dome for a double-wide trailer because of all the Alabama and Mississippi State fans inside.
Honest mistake.
Vols take a dump on my hometown boys from Tiger High, 66-62. When Monday comes, the basketball Vols will take over the #1 spot in the polls for the first time ever. Pat Summitt just had an aneurysm.
Memphis sandwich
I’m sorry Tom Petty but who programs the Super Bowl half-time? And why do they only seem to pick up a satellite signal stuck on 1989? My full moon fever broke around the time Nirvana came out.
Janet Jackson, Prince (though he owned last year), the Rolling Stones….jesus. Are they going to roll out Genesis or Whitesnake next year?
What’s left? Martha Quinn and Downtown Julie Brown doing play-by-play? Anyway, here I go again on my own.
In related news, Blue Moon bottled is better than the bottled version of Sam Adam’s White Ale.
However, in draught draft form the opposite is true.
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And then Obama Christ puts on an ad saying he can “end the war and save the planet”. Smooth.
But before the grace of Obama go I. Obama be with you.
He can smile and melt the heart of Ahmadinejad. And convince China and India to curtail pollution. Or Robert Mugabe to stop destroying the farms. Or stop Venezuela, Brazil, Argentina, and Ecuador to stop drilling for oil. *sigh*
Adam “Pacman” Jones, known in courtrooms across the country as “The Defendant”, has an interview on the web where he claims to be pursuing a move to the Cowgirls:
“I just want to get through to kids to watch their choices and watch who they hang out with.”
Dallas and Houston area gentlemen’s club owners, strippers, bouncers, cocktail waitresses, night club owners, police officers, defense attorneys, and media personalities should adjust their insurance coverages accordingly.
(pimpslap to Mrs. McMurphy for that awesome title)
With the upcoming Titans/Chargers rematch just hours away, consider this the gauntlet being thrown down. Nigel from TG211, an avowed user of electricity and confessed Ron Burgundy enthusiast was magnanimous in offering Tennessee a pass earlier this week on today’s game:
hey guys…just got back from playing golf in sunny 75 degree weather.
Rub it in whydontcha?
The pride before the fall mudslide.
Anyway, I was thinking (a) friendly wager on whoever wins.
[...]
But based on your analysis, I would understand if you wanted to pass on the wager. I’m not really looking for “bragging rights”, just thought it might be fun…
Dearest Nigel. Since when have we ever needed something to brag about to brag?
Kerry Collins off-the-bench is arguably the most explosive back-up QB in our offense. Lendale White has been loading up on fatty foods and empty calories to provide him the quick burst of energy he’ll need to hit the line. Our corners provide more cushion than my Tempurpedic mattress and lay down almost as often.
Thanks to the fine work of Habitat for Humanity and the Americans With Disabilities Act, our Special Teams now have access to the gridiron. So when the ground starts shaking, you’ll know it’s not the Charger lightning but the Rolling Thunder of The Titans that’s going to tear Quallcom Stadium a new wheelchair ramp.
Some San Diegans are even seeking help from the dead to put the cosmic kibosh on the Southern Invasion:
A Spring Valley man will have visited his uncle’s grave to talk about the football game. And one fan in the stands will have voodoo beads he bought in New Orleans, just in case the Chargers fall behind and the team needs a little extra help from the other side.
[...]For Alejo Hao, 35, of Spring Valley, game-day rituals involve playing “San Diego Super Chargers” while his young children dance and sing, and going to church.
And then there’s a visit to his uncle’s grave, where the tombstone has an etched picture of his uncle wearing a Junior Seau jersey.“It makes me feel better, kind of like a security blanket,” Hao said. “If I don’t do something I normally do and the Chargers lose, I blame it on myself.”
[...]
Bill Carli, 53, of Encinitas bought voodoo beads in New Orleans many years ago. The beads, he suspects, are part of the reason the 1994 Chargers went to the Super Bowl.The Chargers were leading by one point in a divisional playoff when Miami Dolphins kicker Pete Stoyanovich lined up for a field goal.
Carli called on the beads. Stoyanovich missed.
“Those voodoo beads, you can’t mess with those,” Carli said.
Quick question: Does Mr. Hao need to get his uncle a new tombstone now that Seau plays for the Pats?
This abomination will not stand Nigel. A Chargers victory today is mud in the eye of God himself. And in the land of the blind the one-eyed God is King. Either that or a cyclops.
There can be only one, “LT”.
Loser will dedicate part of their site to the victor and possibly a haiku or three in honor of their opponent’s mightiest warriors.
Bring it.
Three Yards And A Cloud of Heavy Whipped Cream Update: Well, God’s going to have to learn to live with disappointment. Sorry ’bout that G-dawg. The holy defensive line of the Titans couldn’t overcome the sacrilege of Bill Carli’s Charger butt beads.
I can’t help but think that Collins would have been able to mix-up the defense better than Young did. Young’s well….he’s young. The game has not slowed down for him yet and the stats don’t lie. 138 total yards passing a game don’t pay the pickle man. Plus, where’d the old young Vince go? The one not afraid to scramble for a 1st down? 2 carries / 12 yards.
*sigh*
Well, since John Kerry was kind enough to get this game broadcast on every major network besides BET, I guess we should pay close attention. It must be the most important historical event (since his own failed Presidential run) this decade to receive such attention.
Right now, I’m actually live blogging Mrs. Holmes playing golf on the Wii so I have no idea what’s going on in the game, but hope to see some action soon.
Whither thou Melissa Stark, Lisa Guerrero or even a Lesley Visser? If those that are still clinging on, one hand as it were, to the life raft of Monday Night Football could you please toss Michelle Tafoya into a cool, mountain stream?
After filing a restraining order against my feminine side, I’m daring to the watch the Aints taking on the Atlanta Dog Killers. I thought the worst would be firmly within the confines of the gridiron but I was mistaken. Thinking, however mistakenly, that there would be a football game on tonight. Instead, Monday Night Oprah has returned.
Please, for the love of Dan Dierdorf and possibly Doctor Phil, will someone shut Michelle Tafoya up? Assess a 15 yard, personal foul penalty for illegal encroachment into the personal life?
Again, her forced segues to interject some researched bit of personal tragedy into a player’s life brought utter silence from the rest of the announcers. In this instance, the painful murder of Warrick Dunn’s mother and his meeting the killer. Going so far as to interviewing his teammates on what they think about it.
For crying out loud, it’s a football game and a color commentary crew not jumping-into-the-trust quilt at Encounter Therapy. Hank Williams, Jr. didn’t sing about “Are you ready for some mangina? A Monday Night Tea Party?”
Come back Melissa. We miss the way you classed up the sideline with your folksy “interest in the game” and ability to MYOFB.
History in the making as, the presumably Pro Football Team the Dallas Cowboys, escaped by the worn leather of their assless chaps against the Detroit Tigers. But If you can’t keep it in the same league, can you at least keep it in the same sport? Thanks, New York Times:
Way to hang in there, Tigers. Not to beleaguer this meaningless error. It’s the kind anyone could make. Even with all of the fact-checking editors that bloggers don’t have.
In interest of leveling the literal playing field, I hope in the future that they can release the play formations and hand signals for the team that appears to be the most “pro-U.S.” before the game. Because the public deserves to know.
If copies of that information were destroyed before the game, I hope the Senate will take this matter up some time late in the week.
It was horribly painful, but a W is a W, which unfortunately means four more years of Fulmer. But on the bright side, we have a shot at an inexplicable SEC Championship, however massively unlikely.
Nick Saban, the Red Tide’s multi-million dollar man, has given me yet another reason to root against them: Alabama’s loss to Louisana-Monroe a castrophe – you know, like 9/11 and Pearl Harbor.
Citing the 9-11 terrorist attacks and Pearl Harbor, Saban said Monday his team must rebound like America did from a “catastrophic event.”
In this case, that would be an embarrassing 21-14 loss Saturday to Louisiana-Monroe, dropping the Tide’s record to 6-5.
“Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event,” Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. “It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event.”
Alabama’s just getting ready to face No. 25 Auburn, its biggest rival, on Saturday.
Simply calling Saban a douche doesn’t quite cover it, but it’s a start. The administration quickly swooped in like a giant housecat and tried to cover Saban’s verbal poo with some Gritty Kitty™.
Oh, I get it now. I’m sure the survivors of those who were burned up, crushed or jumped from the WTC or were blown up by the Japs at Pearl Harbor completely relate to two football losses in a row.
This is understandable, however, from a man who was so committed to the Miami Dolphins’ training camp regimen that he couldn’t make the time to break bread with the leader of the free world. Perhaps if President Junior had offered Nicky a few million bucks to join him, he would have reconsidered.
Soldier on, Nick!
Titans vs. Broncos @ Tampax Stadium at Mile-High.
Can everyone on Monday Night Football get fired? Preferably yesterday. I just listened to a 10 minute exposition by Tony Kornholer and the woman announcer about how Vince Young’s father was in and out of prison all his life and the emotional scarring he endures to this day. That other kids’ dads would visit them in the locker room but Vince would go around shaking their hands because his dad couldn’t make it and that one day they hope to overcome their differences.
What are you woman, his parole officer? His social worker?
It’s Monday Night Football, not Monday Night Oprah, bitches.
I never thought I’d say this but where is Joe Theismann now that I finally need him?
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Curt from Flopping Aces is still interested in the theatre and offers up Michael Medved’s restrained review of Brian DePalma’s “Redacted”.
This could be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. The most digusting, most hateful, most incompetent, most revolting, most loathesome, most reprehensible cinematic work I have ever encountered. And since I’ve been reviewing movies for more 25 years that covers a lot of disgusting ground.
None more disgusting that “Redacted”…
That portrays the Marine corp as corrupt, vicious, racist, killers and rapists.
[...]
I don’t believe in boycotts…but this film is an atrocity. I was close to vomiting when watching this movie.
[...]
It is a slander on the United States of America. It is a slander on the Marine Corp. It is a slander on our troops.
[...]
Will it inspire future terrorists? Of course it will. Because it portrays American soldiers in Iraq as sick, murderous, deviant losers.
But then again, Mark Cuban is the Joe Francis of traitor snuff porn.
So cancel your Dallas Maverick season tickets accordingly.
I realize that many of you have been unable to place regular bets with your bookies over the last few weeks due to the lack of Football Fridays here at the Buffet. Never fear, gambling addicts, we’ve returned this week to help you rake in the dough through reverse prognostication.
It’s been a pretty depressing season for my beloved Orange. This weekend could be the final nail in the Fulmer coaching coffin. If Spurrier’s Gamecocks come in and do what I expect them to… which is win, then it’s going to be time for the staff to start cleaning out their lockers, just like Randy Sanders did two years ago. Three gangland beatdowns from Cal, Florida and a crappy Alabama team points to a staff with serious problems, no matter what happens this weekend.
Last week Fulmer was outcoached – this week, Fulmer will be outcoached for the umpteenth time by his longtime nemesis Steve Spurrier. Will the players rebound and play for their coaches and their pride and overcome the Gamecocks tomorrow night? I don’t think so. South Carolina 31, Tennessee 25.
Elsewhere…
My Titans have had a good run so far this season. I didn’t get to watch the end of the Texans’ game last week – typical stupid me.
One of my favorite memories from the old Adelphia Stadium was a Thursday night game with the Raiders (back in 1999) where the boys in blue repeatedly sacked Rich Gannon and beat the Raiders much worse than the 21-14 score indicated. I like the Titans this week against the Raiders as well – Titans 27 Raiders 17.
Elsewhere in the big leagues…
Happy weekend, superfruits.
Dude, nice mannary glands you got there, Juice.
What’s up with that?
Cranky is right. Friday is for frivolity and football. So on we go to this week’s Football Friday.
The news ain’t too good for us Vol fans, though, heading into Gaytorville. As a local sportstalk host told me over a bowl of gumbo earlier in the week, he thinks the Vols will lose by two touchdowns tomorrow in Gaynesville. I hope we can keep it that close. It will likely be in the neighborhood of Florida 38 Vols 28 or something to that effect.
Ainge and the Orange offense have played pretty well thus far, but the Tennessee defense has been woeful, despite the one good half played against Southern Miss last week. Unfortunately, I just don’t see us outscoring the Gaytors with a defense like ours. I’m not happy about it, either.
Elsewhere…
I’d love to predict that my beloved Titans will be knocking off the defending Super Bowl champs this weekend, but it just isn’t in the cards. The Titans’ defense isn’t ready, though I expect Chris Brown and Vince Young to keep us in the game for 3 quarters or so. Colts 34 Titans 24.
Elsewhere…
Happy Friday, all you faggots!
It’s that time of year. There’s a smell in the air. And it’s not just the usual smell of feet. It’s the smell of pigskin flying through the air, end-over-end and through the uprights. It’s the sound of necks breaking on gridirons from coast to coast. It’s the time of year for Senators to leave the glory holes of Summer behind and get back to Washington to rob us of more income and freedom.
It’s also that time of year when it gets cooler in the mornings and the wasps crawl around on the ground because it’s too cold to fly, which gives me the opportunity to stomp them to death without the possibility of being stung. I love that.
Anyway, back to football season. Vol fans everywhere are filled with the anticipation of yet another season under the guidance of the Great Pumpkin. Will we win the East this year? Will we finish 4th and lose to Vanderbilt again? Both of these are plausible. Will we be able to run the ball this year, or will we continue to suck at the line of scrimmage? Will Erik Ainge be hampered this Saturday by his broken finger?
One thing is certain, our front seven on defense will be solid, but the secondary is up for grabs. If our tailbacks can stay out of prison long enough, we may have a running game – but our receivers are a big question mark.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a good feeling about tomorrow’s nationally-televised battle with Cal. It will be close, but the Gay Bay Bears will squeak out a victory, 22-17. Take heart, though, Vol fans, I’m usually wrong about these things.
Elsewhere in the NCAA….
Last but not least, Ole Miss will knock off the Memphis State Tigers, 13 – 10. This game is always bizarre – and it’s shocking to me that Brent Schaeffer got knocked down the depth chart by a walk-on, but that’s how it goes when you don’t do your homework. The Rebels will win because every chick I’ve ever known that went to Ole Miss was hotter than hell and dumber than a stump. Evidence:
HOTTY TODDY INDEED.
SAT AM UPDATE:
ESPN Gameday is broadcasting from Virginia Tech this morning, in yet another politically correct move meant to curry favor with the gun-grabber lobby. They could have gone to a location where there was an actual game, but better to keep the “tragedy” story going as long as possible.
Congratulations* Barry Balco* for breaking* the record.* You’re still a fukken punk, and you always will be a fukken punk. Punk.
I don’t know why he thought he had to take the family with him.
Lt. Tommy Pope of the Fayette County Sheriff’s Department told ABC News that Benoit had missed several appointments over the weekend, leading concerned parties to ask police to do a “welfare check.” When sheriffs arrived at the Benoits’ home, they found the wrestler, his wife, and their son dead.
There were no signs of gunshot wounds or stabbing, according to Pope. Authorities are not ruling out other causes, such as poisoning, suffocation, or strangulation. Pope told ABC News that his department is looking at this situation as a “possible double murder, suicide.”
Pope said “the instruments of death were located on scene,” but would not specify what those instruments are or where in the house the bodies were found. Pope added the department is “not actively searching for any suspects outside of the house.”
Was it steroids? Was he just insane? I remember watching him back in the mid-90s when the WCW/WWF feud was halfway decent. He sucked on the mic, but worked his ass off in the ring. Oh well, if it turns out he was a double-murderer, it was nice of him to spare us the court costs and media circus of a trial and send himself to hell so the state doesn’t have to. Too bad.
UPDATE: Strangled and smothered the family, then hung himself, according to authorities.
Police are calling the case a double homicide-suicide and are investigating whether steroids may have been a factor in the deaths.
Authorities said they found steroids in the home among other legal prescriptions. Steroid abuse has been linked to depression, paranoia, and aggressive behavior or angry outbursts known as “roid rage.”
Nancy Benoit filed for a divorce in May 2003, saying their three-year union was irrevocably broken and alleging “cruel treatment.” But she later dropped the complaint, as well as a request for a restraining order in which she charged that Benoit had threatened her and had broken furniture in their home.
And the frontrunner for Mother of the Year is….(drum roll please)
Upon hearing the news that her delinquent son, Punkman Jones, was suspended from the NFL for only one year in response to inciting an attempted 1st degree double homicide after being shown the door of a strip club for assaulting one of the dancers:
Deborah Jones, said: “I just pray that this can be changed. This is not fair for him. It’s just not fair.”
But Mrs. Pacman continued, “He’s young, 23 years old. You’ve been 23. You’ve hung up with the right crowd. Lighten up on him.”
Ricky Williams was given a harsher sentence for smoking a joint than Pacman Jones is for having one of his entourage (who is still at Large) attempt to murder people.
Punkman himself was saddened by the news but could not be reached because he was spending the day with his baby daughter. Say again?
Teaching her how to dance on the brass pole while Daddy “makes it rain”? How is this thug allowed access to a baby?
If Chief Spanky had any balls under that curly tail of his, Punkman’s daughter would be in protective child services already.
An Urbanski support site paints Punkman’s night on the town a little less innocently than mee-maw did:
Eyewitnesses allege the shooter was a patron of the Minxx club that evening, seen entering the club and partying side-by-side with NFL Tennessee Titans football star Adam ‘Packman’ (sic-k) Jones. Club video surveillance also corroborates eyewitness accounts. The shooting occurred after Jones was restrained and ejected by club security for repeatedly and viciously assaulting a woman inside the club. Just prior to being ejected from the club, along with the rest of Jones’s entourage, eyewitnesses allege that Jones made direct death threats to club security personnel who had restrained him, stating they would be dead before the night was over. Within minutes of Jones’s death threat, the bouncer who had restrained Jones, along with Tommy and another female patron, were shot multiple times just outside the clubs front entrance.
Please “lighten up” on poor Punkman. After all, who hasn’t wanted to rain gunfire on the strip club after paying $10 for the bottomless mug.
For those of you who didn’t watch the game last night (WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?), our beloved Lady Vols won yet another national championship, and a whole host of celebrities have chosen this very forum to express their congratulations!
Congratulations, Lady Vols. Enjoy every minute of it.
Heading into the weekend’s Elite Eight round, here are your standings…
I feel like a fool for picking Memphis to win the whole thing, though, cuz they ain’t gonna.
Tipoff 9:55 pm ET – Vols vs. Buckeyes.
And the contest standings as of the Sweet Sixteen…
It’s on, Deliverance. It’s on.
*Thanks to A-Ron for forwarding the photoshop.
Vols vanquish Virginia, 77-74.
Sweet 16. That’s how you spell respeck. R-e-s-p-e-c-k.
Previous episodes of sheepin’ it up for Pearl….
I’m a Bruce Pearl Sheep, Part 3
I’m a Bruce Pearl Sheep, Part 2
Me a Bruce Pearl sheep. Baaaa.
